Tony Robbins – Personal Power Day 15 – Overcoming Fears of Failure, Success & Rejection
you’ve learned a lot now and you have a lot of fundamental tools so we’re gonna focus on you just getting yourself to apply some of the fundamentals that you’ve already learned consciously I want to get you to apply them to make some specific changes and what we want to address in this particular tape to start with is a major thing called fear fear of failure and fear of success if there are any two labels in our society that we’ve learned to link both a mixture of pain and pleasure to it’s those two known as failure and success and they are totally interwoven what one first of all what is fear and what does it do to us a long time ago I heard a simple but I think a very useful way of looking at fear first of all we know it’s an emotional state that’s all it is but it’s an emotional state where our brain is activated to avoid pain that’s really what it is it’s a state of major concern where our entire nervous system gets activated it can be very powerful state we can use it to really become a fully awake alive pay attention and that’s what was intent was its intent was to protect us and to make sure we had all of our resources available to pay attention to take quick action it helps us to get access to our deepest resources of fight-or-flight the problem happens is when we take this intense emotion called fear this emotion that can get our heart beating at an incredible pace shoot adrenaline through our body create an incredible biochemical change throughout our entire system and we attach that to something we don’t need to have any intensity about like trying something and not have it turn out exactly the way we expected what some people call failure wait isn’t that insane and then all of a sudden we find herself no longer one to try things because we want our nervous system to go to that havoc of massive pain we’ve got to break this pattern we’ve got to learn that the fear is not going on avoid fear is a useful emotion in the appropriate context we don’t want to eliminate fear but we want to do is eliminate fear where it’s limiting us and not supporting us so useful way of looking at fear for most people is most people anticipate the potential of problems or pain and generate this emotion known as fear in fact I heard somebody once call fear f.
e.a.r false evidence that appears real probably a good metaphor for it how often if you’ve gotten afraid about something are really concerned about something are really worried about something had all this pain all this concern and that didn’t even happen yet you know what it did happen it happened in your body you might as well have had the problem you might as well have had the tragedy because your body went through the same exact experience as if it had happened in fact it was worse if it would have happened you would have done at once but since you were waiting and thinking about it and fearing it you may have run the same movie in your head many times you’ve heard the phrase that says a coward dies a thousand deaths a courageous man only one you’ve got to learn to get control of it now let’s relate it directly to this thing called failure and success we’ve already spoken about these so I’m not gonna talk in detail what I want you to do though is use this tape as simply a trigger for you to absolutely use a few techniques to free yourself from the fear listen failure is impossible the only way you can possibly fail it’s to tell yourself that you have failed what do I mean specifically by this but what I mean is an order for you to feel feelings that you may associate to being a failure you have to represent things in a certain way you have to evaluate your life in a very specific way and it’s very different than the way you evaluate things in order to create this feeling inside of yourself you may have labeled success the point is we are in control nothing and no one outside of you can determine whether you’re a failure success only you give yourself permission to give yourself a label like this so how do we change and break out of this fear well the first way is to change our rules or our ways of defining what determines an experience we call successful or one we call a failure what determines when we start firing off those negative emotions in other words any two people you meet on the street if you ask them what does it take for you to know you’re successful what does it take for you to feel like you’re a failure inevitably you’ll get radically different answers everything from well the fact that I haven’t achieved all that I set out to achieve in my life by now – well I know that there’s more possible and I’m not doing it – I’m afraid and if I’m afraid that I’m a failure people have such radical different ways of evaluating some people set things up for themselves they have mental rules where no matter what they do they feel like their failure for example you remember the example I told you about earlier the gentleman who by most people stares was extremely successful but by Arizona was a failure why because if in order to be successful you’d have to be earning four or five million dollars a year and he’s only earning two think about it his definition of failure is anybody earns less than four million dollars a year you might want to create better rules for yourself so it’s a lot easier you don’t have to worry about having that kind of fear conversely ask people about what does it take to succeed some people say I have to never ever feel bad or they say I have to achieve my goals other people say I have to be breathing or above ground remember the example see in life what we want to do to make ourselves effective is we want to make it really hard for us to feel bad and real easy to feel good I mean you might say well gosh if I’ve operated that way then I probably wouldn’t make my life the way I wanted I wouldn’t be motivated garbage I used to believe that too but it’s just not true I used to believe in life that I’ve got to go on achieve and therefore all I myself to feel happy but I’ve chosen to look at life differently where I now happily achieve instead of achieved to be happy I’m gonna tell you was something it radically changes your personality I’m having so much more fun while I’m achieving now how does this all relate well you’ve got to take a look if you’re experiencing fear of failure fear of success the first place you gotta look is how do you define them how is it that you evaluate things and is it appropriate whose rules are you living by to create these feelings or emotions inside yourself did you sit down one day and say if this and this and this happens then I think would be useful for me to feel like a failure so I’ll be motivated and if this and this and this happens it be used to little feel successful I doubt it what happened is you’ve just developed a pattern and that pattern may be controlling you instead of you controlling it I suggest you sit down right now and stop the tape and before you anything else I want you to define for yourself what must happen in order for you to feel like you’re successful what must happen I know this seems like a general question or an amorphous question but be honest with yourself that’s question number one what must happen now again people give all kinds of answers to this I must make a million dollars I must have the ultimate relationship I must have my children go to college I must after whatever the case may be other be things like I must breathe I must wake up this decide what they are for you at least right now and then the second question is what must happen in order for you to feel like a failure what kinds of things do you allow to cause yourself to feel those sensations that maybe you now label failure in your body what kinds of things trigger that so what must happen for you to feel like a failure just failure to achieve a preconceived idea of what you want in a certain specific period of time nice fancy way of saying failure to get what you want when you thought you’d get it what are your definitions for these two and let’s first of all find out what they are and then we’ll take it from there so please stop the tape and jot down or if you’re in your car then clearly get a clear idea of what are your definitions what must happen for you to feel like a failure or to feel successful stop the tape now and check it out okay so what did you discover my first question for you is this whose rules are these who define for you that this is what successes or failure is again I doubt very seriously if it was you consciously designing it my second question is equally important maybe more important and that is is this definition you’ve got appropriate to create lifelong happiness and success if you’re experiencing fear of failure and success on a daily basis it’s highly likely that you’ve got some rules that are disempowering you so what I’d like you to do right now is I’d like you to define for yourself what should your rules be for failure and success in other words you might want to do like the gentleman we talked about earlier and make it a lot harder to feel like a failure and a lot easier to feel successful I’ve already told you my definition no matter what the situation is if I give my all and if I learn something I’ve succeeded now if I didn’t give my all then I can at least learn something and I can still succeed and I can turn around and give my all and learning something about it I mean I’ve found a way to make sure I can succeed no matter what and by succeeding I feel good inside and because I feel good and I’m willing to go for more instead of what I used to do which is beat myself up and all that did was put me in a lousy state and create performance that I’d rather not even talk about so right now create two new definitions what’s going to be your new definition now what must happen now for you feel like a success and make sure it’s easy and what must happen for you to feel like a failure for me to feel like a failure I have to quit I have to totally give up so that’s something I want to avoid that’s something I would like to feel bad about would it be totally to give up does that make sense so go for it now stop the tape again and give yourself to new definitions of success in failure go for these new definitions that you’ve now created are basically the foundation for releasing yourself from the bondage of fear remember in order for you to feel that feeling called fear you’ve got to evaluate things in a way that makes you think that what’s gonna happen it’s gonna lead to pain it’s always important for us to remember then that our own core beliefs are what generate our emotions that whatever we believe to be true is what’s gonna happen to us so as long as that’s true it’s better for us to identify and to establish for ourselves beliefs that empower us instead of disempowers I remember a belief system that was offered to me years ago I think Robert Schuller’s one of the people that popularized it and it started many years before that a belief system was this somebody once asked me Tony what would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail and I think I know it couldn’t fail do almost anything and so I offer you the same thing what would you attempt to do if you knew you couldn’t fail and if you’re saying almost anything then just go do it because if you set up the right rules it’ll be almost impossible to fail it’s impossible for me to fail because the only way I could fail would be to give up and there’s no chance of me doing that I got too much pleasure and going for 100% in life remember the analogy from earlier in this tape program if you try something and it doesn’t work you ran a play you’re still in the football game as long as you’re in the field and the clock is still ticking then the bottom line is you haven’t failed and if your heart’s moving that’s the clock it’s still ticking you’re in great shape so just go for it try something else change your approach and eventually you’ll achieve what you want but make sure it’s hard to fail easy to succeed make sure you’re in control not your environment not what other people think otherwise you’ll always be in a reaction in life and never be in control now what can we do to really free ourselves from this what can we do you say okay I got these great definitions Tony it makes sense but you know that’s one thing intellectual have new definitions it’s another thing to have this gut level feeling here that drives me nuts how do I get rid of it well number one step like in any other change that you want to make is just decide decide you’re gonna be free of this fear does that mean it never comes up no it just means that if it comes up you’re a human being you take a look at it you realize it’s false evidence that appears real and you move on you change your state you change your physiology and you go for it anyway you ask yourself a better question like we talked about earlier or you create a positive anchor there’s so many things you can do but first right now you got to decide that these two killers of human success fears of failure and fear of success are no longer going to stop you I’ll give you a classic example years back when I was doing work initially I was just establishing myself in the media in terms of my work with athletes and with business people Life magazine did an article on me and in covering me I told him about some of the work I’ve done with the army and you know to say the least they were a little bit conservative and a little bit skeptical might be a better description and I said okay if you’re so great you can do all these great results well let us pick an athlete and let’s see you do some work with him so I said great they happened to be at my house that day while we’re talking and the television was on the Los Angeles Lakers were playing well Byron Scott at the time was not doing too terribly well in fact on a score three points that game and Chick Hearn was a little bit on his case bottom line is they said let’s see work with this guy I said great you set him up sure enough they did the next day I find myself in Los Angeles in a gymnasium with Byron Scott here we are and what’s the problem while I start talking to Byron and he said the problem with his game is this I found out when people threw him the ball one thought was rushing to his head pass it why because in his mind he had stored so many failures so many times where he had screwed up made some dumb mistakes that now whenever the ball came to him his immediate association was failure the only way to keep from failing was give it to somebody else can you imagine trying to make a shot when most of your nervous system is associating to past failure there’s no way you’re gonna succeed so you remember that phrase our belief we talked about earlier I want to reinforce it again if you want to succeed in your life remember this phrase the past does not equal the future because you failed yesterday or all day today or I’m gonna go over the last six months over the last 16 years the last 50 years of life doesn’t mean anything all that matters is what are you gonna do right now otherwise you carry all that luggage all that load of negative emotion with you and it’ll affect your present performance now it’s one thing again to say that how do you change him 1 you’ve got to decide just as we said earlier you’ve got to then get enough leverage that you’re gonna follow through I got started talking to him and I wanted to get a Dickens on him if you will I said look if you don’t change this what’s it gonna cost you I mean he said well you know I don’t know it’s already costing me I’m screwing up I I said if you keep at this rate what’s gonna happen he said I’m gonna end up on the bench and I got him actually has some feelings about that why I wanted to link Cain to not changing this pattern as soon as his brain links pain what’s it gonna do anything to avoid this and it’s gonna use all of his resources does that make sense now on the other side I said if we could really turn this thing around what would happen he said well God I’m a great shooter he said I’d be swishing him he said I could be one of the best shooters in the league I really know I could beat it I could compete with the best I’ve got an incredible shot so sure enough we had plenty of pleasure linked to making a change pain and not what step 3 step 3 is what I want you to do with your ideas of failure from the past it’s a simple way of changing your nur Association so you don’t have any negative feelings linked anymore how do you do it real simple I took Byron Scott and I said look here’s what I want you to do I want you to stand it nice and tall I want you to breathe fully and I want you to stand and breathe the way you do when you feel absolutely unstoppable and sorry what I basically did was got him to feel really good I got him to change his what his state how by changing the way he was breathing and is moving by changing his physiology remember when we talked about the ways to change state I also got enough focus on times when he’d really been successful so what’s happening now he’s standing tall he’s breathing strong he’s feeling energetic I got him making gestures like he’s really in charge I got him shouting word the word was boom a particular sound we felt really strong when he made this particular sound sure enough I got enough focus on his success now he feels absolutely incredible while he’s feeling incredible i anchor him a few times and while he’s feeling credible I said the word boom he’s feeling great I say boom he’s feeling great I say boom Tabriz – a boom in a weird way and sure enough his shoulders come back and began to feel good just like Ivan Pavlov and the dogs with the Bell same thing just like what advertisers have done for you for years only I’m helping him to find a trigger doing stuff in a strong state so I got him in a great place and now I want to use what I call my eraser technique so I said listen this is what I want you to do Byron I want you while you’re still feeling good without having any major negative feelings I want you to just watch the memory of some of your biggest mistakes and when I say watch it I said just if you would pretend it’s a movie in your mind and just see the situation happen again but don’t get any negative feeling just watch it like an outsider so it’s like way over there so he watched and I said you tell me when you come to the end and you run several of those movies so he did for about 60 seconds maybe two minutes maybe three he continues to go and they Ike’s got his eyes closed and finally goes okay nods his head I said okay now what I want you to start at the end of those memories and this is all I want you to do I want you to run those memories as if they’re movies backwards at triple the speed in other words I want you see everything happening in Reverse the ball you threw away comes sucking right back up in your hands and everything goes perfectly anything that was said in noises you hurt everything’s happening in Reverse and while you’re seeing all these things happening in Reverse I want you to simultaneously to hear some humorous sounds like a Nickelodeon or like a circus or something that would make you smile and I want you to see the whole image in your favorite color now what am I doing here I’m interrupting the pattern do you remember step number one was get leverage I got leverage with him didn’t I I got to think about how painful it’s gonna be if he doesn’t change how much pleasure he’s gonna get if he does number two I’m now gonna interrupt his pattern these memories he keeps bringing up as a way to make himself feel lousy and then his failure becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy I’ve got to break that pattern I haven’t run it backwards at hyperspeed and while he’s running it backwards I say see imagine that Mickey Mouse ears are growing out of the other players as you’re doing this imagine their noses are getting longer now do you take the ball now and you slam dunk it I have him do this over and over again where each time he plays the memory he does it faster and faster he creates humorous music he sees different images until pretty soon now whenever he thinks of it he starts to smile or laugh I said so how do you feel about those failures he starts to grin that’s a lot different than one before when I talk about the failures of shoulder drop his head drop his breathing we get poor and he go in a state where he couldn’t get peak performance does this make sense do you remember the strategy we’re talking about we’re talking about if I take a record that you’ve got remember this and I come along and scratch it by playing it over and over again scratch it and scratch it and scratch it and change it and scratch it pretty soon you’ll never be able to play that record the same way again I have eliminated the feeling of failure because he can’t picture things he can’t focus on things the same way are you following me so let’s try it with you I want you to take one of the big fat failures okay one of those ones do you think about it and makes you have poor self-esteem or maybe it just keeps you from really going for it in a particular area pick a major one one that really bugs you and let’s have some fun with it first of all do this wherever you are in your car sit up but I mean sit up like you are absolutely in charge of the world sit up like you’re proud sit up like you’re energized and excited come on go for it and if you’re not in a car and you’re listening to me in any other way then please stand up right now no don’t just listen to me stand up I’m there I’m watching you come on you can do it stand up breathe put a big dumb silly grin on your face people wonder why it’ll be good for you now all you stand like this and you feel really good I want you to breathe the way you breathe when you feel proud and strong and unstoppable come on go for it proud strong and unstoppable breathe that way feel that way stand taller that’s it good now while you’re feeling really great why don’t you to do is create for yourself some kind of positive anchor so make yourself feel really great and at the peak while you’re feeling great do something unique do something unique do something unique do something unique till later on you could do that something unique and immediately feel this way again so just feel really good and do something so you feel even better feel good link it to something feel good link it to something feel good link it to something so you got yourself in a really good state go for it think about how you feel and what you see what your voice sounds like when you’re feeling really really strong now while you’re feeling good let’s do the following remember that big fat failure from the past I want you to imagine that you’re watching it on a movie screen in front of you and I want you to watch it through one time just the way it happened whatever it was and I want you to make sure you stand tall and remain feeling good as you watch it going across that screen okay real simple just watch it go across the screen continue watch it watch it just does it happen back then now would be a good time and see everything just does it happen then and you may feel some of the feelings not quite as bad as it was then because it’s outside of you all the way the end and then just finish up and come to the very end of the situation where you felt bad because you’d failed okay finish up come to the end if you need more time you can stop the tape otherwise you should come to the end now great stop at the end and here’s what I want you to do standing tall again feeling really good this time I want you to get a little bit outrageous so not only stand tall and feel strong but put the big silly grin on your face be a little outrageous and pretend like you’re a little kid again is about to have some fun now don’t be like an adult adults go yeah okay I would do another exercise kids a lot of fun they’ll go for it just be playful be outrageous so here’s what I want you to do with a smile on your face I want you to close your eyes and imagine that same memory but here’s how you’re gonna do it I want you to start at the end of the memory in other words right after you had failed and when I say now what I want you to do is run that entire memory backwards in time at hyperspeed where everything is moving in Reverse whatever you said whatever you said is coming back inside your mouth and reversing your all in reverse and Walt’s going on a way to see your favorite colors around everything and you may hear some weird noises as well go all the way back to the beginning run as fast as you can ready go if there other people around watch them changing as well and hear the sounds of dudududududududududududududududududududu all at the beginning and watch people around you if somebody else was there and they were upset with you or they made some weird look watch them develop Mickey Mouse ears getting really huge and watch their nose getting bigger that’s it and run all the way to the beginning till you right in the very beginning again it should be back at the beginning now get there now great now run it forwards this time run it twice as fast but again if there was anybody else around and they were giving you a hard time or you felt embarrassed watch them shrink down and pick them up your hand and whispered to the minutes okay ready go run forward as fast you can’t see the same memory come on faster and faster I think’s happening as fast as you can probably didn’t make it go make all kinds of different colors put rainbows across people’s faces again their ears are getting big watch a few these people shrinking down pick them at me and say it’s okay don’t worry that’s it good put him back on the ground watch them grow back up come on go for it make all kinds of bizarre pictures as fast you can run away through the end stop you should be right back at the end now again you’re gonna run it backwards only this time when you run it backwards listen to it to your favorite music make it like a an mtv video of some bizarre sorts ready run it backwards as fast as you can go faster Kansas watch it I’ll reverse everything moving reverse all the voices everything else going vs.
all the beginning run it forward again as fast you can we’re doing this as fast as we can go only forward all we do very again come on faster faster faster faster run it backwards again do this six times back and forth back and forth each time change something in it a little bit different each time see something shift a little bit make it a little bit more outrageous that’s it great every time make it even better make it weirder make it more bizarre back and forth back and forth back and forth back and forth as fast as you possibly can make the whole thing black and white now now make the whole thing a rainbow where everything you see people places things yourself you’re in rainbow colors good all the way to the end run it all the way back to the front again excellent now let’s try something first of all with a smile on your face now go back and think about that memory that was bothering you so much and tell me what happens now yeah once you go through it you might see a Mickey Mouse don’t listen to those sounds be careful doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo all the way through to the front that’s right and right now when you do it what happens do you have a smile you Lisa have neutral feelings if not you just run this pattern a few more times all we do is we interrupt the pattern that’s what I do with Byron it’s what you can do with yourself it’s called an erasure technique instead of like you next time you feel really bad you feel like oh god I screw this whole thing up learn your lesson if there’s something you didn’t do well figure out okay what can I learn from this good question ask yourself once you learn the lesson then get rid of the negative feeling by using your ratio otherwise you’ll keep playing the same memory over and over he keeps saying the same things to yourselves keep picturing the same things keep feeling the same things and all you do is feel like heck and you’re not gonna have a better performance use the eraser technique and you can’t believe what’ll happen so what are we do next once we erase the failure well in Byron Scott’s case all of a sudden started feeling good he doesn’t feel like he has to be afraid somebody give him the ball and hey he’s gonna do well so what do I do well now I want to just not overcome his fear of failure but ensure he’s gonna have even more success how do we do that we get ourselves in a peak state so all I did was reinforce his anchors and that’s what you can do for yourself I got him in his best state so I got him to remember times when he had performed at his best and right the peak moments when he felt like god that’s a swish boom I made that sound and another time I had him rehearse right at the peak moment I had him make the sound as well boom did it over and over again until pretty soon all me to say was boom and he went right into that perfect state or he knew he’s releasing the ball and he absolutely knew he was gonna swish it it was gonna be a perfect shot well sure enough the next thing I did is I gave him the ball now life magazine was there the whole time right wondering what the heck is going on here when I first gave him the ball before we started our work and he was just shooting around he was making one out of every three to five shots hitting the rim bouncing off spinning off no real consistency well we did this process of eliminating his failures till I said look how do you feel now somebody throws you the ball because I’m ready then we increased his skill by anchoring in a success with the boom and then all I do is take the ball and I threw it to him and as I threw it to him when it got the ball to his hand I said boom swish doing the ball again boom swish threw the ball on any place in the course boom swish he made 28 shots in a row in front of Life magazine which was rather useful for me the point though is this he went out the next night the previous night scored three points he was 1 for 12 the next nine he was 8 out of 12 and he scored 22 points second highest score in the game behind creme abdul-jabbar boom became an anchor he used for himself throughout that process to put himself back on a success track you can do this for yourself as well once you eliminate the failure create for yourself an anchor where you rehearse succeeding where you imagine having the success that you want over and over again until it’s absolutely real for you and you create that success remember what we did initially is we made a decision secondly we got leverage on ourselves we showed ourselves hey we got to change or it’s gonna be a lot of pain and if we do change we get a lot of pleasure 3 we’ve interrupted our old pattern of looking at things using the eraser technique and for we’ve conditioned ourselves or associated in our mind that we’re gonna succeed by rehearsing it over and over again so that’s likely to come up now as long as you’re talking about success let’s just make one more point and that is this that many people have as much fear of success as they do failure how could that be well the only reason you have fear is because your brain associates it something isn’t I mean more pain than pleasure some people think that success is gonna mean pain in many different forms they might think well gosh if I succeed then people may not like me so much anymore so sure enough even though they want success in the one hand they have approach avoidance again they think we’ll success can mean all this pleasure but it could mean even more pain and so sure enough they fear success or some people believe that hey if I succeed then what if I can’t continue to succeed therefore it mean I’ve failed and so they actually fear success because they believe that if they have a higher standard success now it’s easier to fail it’s a bizarre trap we humans sometimes great for ourselves so stay out of these traps create definitions that work for you condition yourself so that you no longer feel those sensations you used to call failure and move yourself ahead by programming yourself for success let’s take this fear of success and let’s get rid of it how do we do it 1 decide remember the technique step want to just absolutely decide decide means cut yourself off from any other possibility except the success is gonna be nothing but pleasure and no more pain to get some leverage on yourself and this is gonna be your assignment right in your success Journal these two elements all the things you’ll lose if you don’t change this fear of success and all the things you’ll gain by linking pleasure to success and then do the erase your technique what do I mean think of these ideas you have about success and how it could be painful and run them forwards and backwards forwards and backwards and make them so weird and scrambled until pretty soon you could never think that way again in fact gonna make you giggle or laugh or just think how absurd that’s all it takes free yourself interrupt the pattern so you can now establish a new pattern of success being something that you’re driven towards instead of something you avoid as soon as you’re done with that we’re gonna go into how to overcome fear of rejection and take heart we’ll do this very shortly it won’t be as long as this side but do your homework first okay see in a minute or two now that we’ve talked about the fear of failure and the fear of success let’s take a look at this thing called rejection cache if you talk about an emotion that grabs people one that most people associate massive pain to will do almost anything including ridiculous things to avoid its rejection and again the only way you can feel rejected just like any other emotion is if you make yourself feel rejected there is nothing and no one outside of you that can ever generate that painful emotion inside of you except you remember it’s just a physiological storm and your brain and what you are as the person who sets it off just by the triggers you give yourself you’ve got rules to create rejection and you know what I think most people are afraid of failure not because failing would be painful but because they’re afraid if they fail at something other people aren’t gonna like them as much or somebody might reject them or if they succeed they might get rejected I think rejection is really the core of fear behind both of those now not always but a good deal of the time so how do we deal with this thing called rejection well let’s do it the same way we’ve already handled these other emotions like failure and success piece of cake right let’s go through a very simple process let’s use some of the same technology by the way this isn’t the only way to deal with it but as long as we’re doing it today let’s get in practice step 1 decide you are not gonna allow this limiting feeling or emotion to control your life that what you’re gonna do right here and now is set things up so it’s very very difficult or impossible for you to feel rejected to get enough leverage on yourself that you’ll follow through so again what you’re gonna do and I ask you right now is you’re gonna stop the tape and I want you to write down two things you know how this works number one what is the price you will pay and Nevitt ibly in your life if you do not control this thing called rejection what are you gonna have to give up what are you gonna miss out on how many people are you not gonna meet what kind of relationships will you never create how many business opportunities will you never try what’s the price you’re gonna pay long-term in your life if you don’t handle this fear called rejection and we really put it on yourself get real stack the anchors make it painful we want to cause our brain to associate that the idea that a causing myself to feel rejected is gonna create ultimate pain in my life called losing everything that matters and then to your second exercise and please do this in your success journal is to write down what is all the pleasure what are all the benefits you’ve gained in your life if in fact you were able to free yourself from the fear of rejection if you were able to just go for it and not worry not wonder and not be concerned not run these voices inside your head about that I do it right or not if you could just free yourself what would you gain what level of confidence would you have what levels success how much action would you take what kind of results could you create and really sell yourself on the massive pleasure you’ll gain by freeing yourself from this fear stop the tape right now and do this piece of homework okay I’ll talk to you in about two or three minutes go for it full-on begin now okay now you should have created the appropriate carrot-and-stick for yourself the stick that says I got to handle this or I’m gonna pay ultimate pain and it’s a lot more painful than the rejection itself I got to get rid of this fear and the pleasure that says gosh if I get rid of this think of all the incredible things I could have in my life this means your brain is conditioned and ready to change so what do you do next simple do what we did with success and with failure create a new set of rules about what must happen before you’re gonna allow yourself to feel rejected for example right now your rules for rejection might be in order feel rejected what must happen is just somebody disapprove of you or somebody not give you approval and for some people that’s rejection if you share an idea and they don’t agree with you or they don’t even get enthusiastic some people go they rejected me they make it so easy to feel bad it’s a joke and that keeps them from moving ahead maybe you want to change your rule so that now in order for you to feel rejected someone would have to demonstrate for you that you consistently violate your own standards your own values if you will maybe that would make you feel rejected because you knew they were right but somebody just disapproving of your own view or your own approach certainly can’t create that feeling inside of you free yourself see that’s really critical you’ve got to come up with a great definition I remember hearing a great story about Buddha you know Buddha was well known for his ability to respond to evil with good and there was a man who knew about this reputation who traveled from miles and miles and miles to test Buddha and what he did is when he got in Buddha’s presence he verbally abused him constantly challenged him he insulted him he did everything he could of trying to offend Buddha Buddha was unmoved he simply turned to the man and said may I ask you a question see even bood ask questions all masters do who thought you learned that earlier remember the man responded as I want what he said if someone offers you a gift and you declined to accept it to whom then does it belong a man said well then it belongs to the person who offered it Buddha smiled that is correct so if I decline to accept your abuse does it not then still belong to you the man was speechless and walked away this might be your strategy for how to deal with a rejection be a Buddha go for it don’t allow anybody else’s view to destroy the way you feel about you take another look that does not again mean don’t listen it just means don’t just accept things at face value we all have a right to our own perceptions and by the way do sometimes people get in state and get angry about something and communicate what they might feel differently in another situation they may not be rejecting you they may be in a rejecting state so don’t allow that to affect you so let’s start right now by having you create a new set of rules for yourself what must happen for you to feel rejected and make it tough to feel rejected set a high standard one that will really support you stop the tape now and create a new rule or rules for what it takes to feel rejected another way of looking at as you might want to set it up but the only way you can feel rejected is if somebody says something and you agree with them a hundred percent hey then you’re right maybe you should be rejected maybe you should have some pain maybe it’s something you’re doing that you don’t want to continue to do in the future but again make sure you make it tough on yourself to feel bad and make sure your rules support you and your own personal growth not something that limits you another strategy that’ll help you is to realize that no matter what somebody says or does they’re not rejecting you they’re rejecting your idea or they’re rejecting their impression of you in this moment and certainly you’re more than what you just said or what you just did or the way they’re looking at you right now hey that all of us have met people at time so we didn’t feel real attract the tour really liked but maybe later on we grew to like the person or grew to be attracted or grew to become a friend with them so initial impressions initial feelings of someone saying they don’t like you or someone not responding to you the way you want is not permanent remember the past is not equal to future someone rejecting you in the moment doesn’t mean in a moment later they’re gonna continue to reject you they may begin to like you very rapidly unless you’re walking around wounded and can’t allow yourself to continue to communicate in a way where you get through to somebody so break out of the trap okay so what have we done so far you’ve decided to make the change to you’ve gotten some leverage on yourself three you’ve created some rules that make sense what makes a little tougher for you to feel rejected but what else can we do to assist ourselves well one thing is to realize if you really want to succeed in life remember this massive rejection is the key to success you might have a new do a new rule that says if somebody’s rejecting me it probably means I’m on the right track if nobody’s rejecting you you’re probably insignificant and probably not doing anything I mean think about it the most successful people in the world those who were rejected more than virtually anybody else do you know programs like mash a television program that was on forever was turned down by over 32 different producers 32 they all said it was crazy Sylvester Stallone here’s a man and now earns what is it 20 million dollars a movie how did he pull that off you think it’s cuz he walked in one day into a casting office and said you’d ruin they want you you’re a star I love that voice that look on your face you are really material no it’s a look learn how to talk buddy you’re never gonna make it here he was turned down by over a thousand agents but he just kept coming back from Warren you know what when that didn’t work the guy just kept on going Becky wrote his own movie starring guess who you a Drude same guy and you know what everyone turned his movie down he said what a stupid idea this he’ll never succeed over and over again finally one company offered to buy it but only if he wouldn’t star in it in fact they offered him money not to star in his own picture when he desperately needed it how’s that for rejection he was living in New York City he had no money left barely paying his rent and they offered him all his money not to star in his own picture so instead of feeling rejected he just told him no he’s stuck by his guns and now he’s doing pretty well in fact if you see these Rambo movies where he’s shooting up all those bad guys he’s not shooting the bad guys he’s shooting up all those agents that rejected him in the past he’s got the last laugh the point is this anyone who succeeded has gone through massive rejection because if you’ve got an idea worth its salt everyone has got a different view of things in life and what’s gonna happen in order to get it out there you’re gonna have to receive much more rejection than you’re gonna receive acceptance but see all you need is acceptance from the right person and you can make your idea a reality but here’s the key you can’t allow the rejection to affect you emotionally because otherwise you just give up which is what most people do if you want to succeed remember massive rejection is the key to success how’s that for a phrase to remember in addition you can take anything used to feel like was rejection from a person a place a situation and you can get rid of it using the eraser technique just like we have here earlier and let me offer you one more possibility or approach condition yourself so that when somebody rejects you it actually makes you feel stronger you say how could I do that same way you conditioned yourself to feel lousy back in the old days that is create a nooner association how do you do that real simple make yourself feel incredibly strong whatever it is put yourself in a state where you feel unstoppable and while you’re feeling that way to create an anchor feeling absolutely unstoppable create an anchor feeling absolutely like you could do whatever it took to succeed create an anchor you do it over and over again now remember you got a stand you got to breathe it you got to feel it you got to be fully associated now what do you do imagine somebody rejecting you and right is it rejecting you Braham fire off the anchor and make yourself feel great somebody rejects you BAM make yourself feel great somebody rejects you BAM make yourself feel great over and over again until you literally condition yourself so that rejection triggers you to feel strong I know this may sound difficult or even impossible but it’s actually very easy I’ve done it over and over again in my seminars for more than a decade and a half in fact one of my favorite seminars I’ve done for the last 10 years it’s called unleashed power within because in that program we flat change people’s conditioning and we do it in minutes in fact maybe you’ve seen this program because now because of my alliance with United Artists movie theaters we’ve created what we call the empower net where literally I’m doing the seminar live on these huge screens where I’m connected with you and I do the entire program there so you may go to a United Artists movie theater and you’re waiting to see a movie trailer and there’s my smiling face going I come to unleash the power within but the point is in these programs we show people how to break through any fear I mean anything that stopped in the past we handle it I don’t care what it is and we do it by conditioning for example we take people right out of the audience and we do it in all the different theaters and we have them get up and we take an example like someone who’s deathly afraid of rejection from the opposite sex where they can’t follow through and we wipe it out right there in less than 15 minutes including people have total phobias I’ll give you a classic example I was doing one of these seminars in San Jose California years ago when a woman approximately 200 pounds overweight stands up and she raises her hand as having had a major fear of the opposite sex so I said well tell me how do you feel about men and she explodes into tears and begins to shake like crazy well she does this I used to respond to people by saying oh it’ll be okay it’ll be okay but again that doesn’t change people states what are you gonna do you got to interrupt their pattern so she starts crying hysterically and I said please stop urinating on your face she said what I said please stop urinating on your face and she starts to giggle like crazy as soon as she’s giggled I’ve interrupted her pattern i anchor her feeling good i anchor her and laughter till a pretty soon I can just touch her in a certain way and she starts giggling a long story short I get her on stage and I get her to do what I’ve asked you to do I get her to feel absolutely incredibly strong and then I anchor that feeling over and over and over again will she feel strong will she feel sexy what she feels in charge then all I ever do is rehearse in her mind over and over again somebody rejecting her but she feeling stronger with a more the rejector the stronger she gets then I had a pick a role model she picked Jacqueline Bisset somebody who she thought could get a date with any man and I had to imagine that Jacqueline had taken over her body and no matter what a man did to reject her she would still get the date and she was to actually watch what Jacklyn did with her body in her face and her voice to make that happen so she had a role model and she practiced it over and over again were the more rejections she got the more committed she got to getting the date I want to make a long story short after about 20 minutes of conditioning this one was a monster I’ve been unleashed her on the men in the audience I said pick out a man this audience you’d like to have a date with well I got to tell you the truth when she pointed the group most of the guy’s ducked their head but she went out there and took this guy of the audience and sure enough she said I want to go on a date with you he looked at me like what to say I said reject her viciously tell her she’s a fat slob and she’s ugly so he did but while he was screaming at her she was firing off her positive anchor so sure enough he’s won you’re a fat slob and you’re ugly and she’s feeling good fat slob gurgling he’s feeling good fat slob she’s feeling strong she goes you’re right I may be overweight but there’s a great woman inside of here you talk about a shift and that kind of thing can happen for anybody a little sideline to the story two days later the seminars three days long two days later she comes up and shares with the audience she said you know this thing has changed my entire life some of you men have discovered that and she said I want you to know something the reason why I gained so much weight I just finally realized she said I was sexually abused by my father from the time I was 5 years old until I was 12 and she said believe it or not when I was 12 years old my father stopped sexually molesting me and started molesting my other sisters and I felt rejected can you believe that people could create that kind of Association she said I hated it when I was happening but then I felt even worse because now I didn’t even want me she said ever since that day I’ve been doing this and she pulled off a wig and she was almost completely bald she had little whispers hair she said I’ve been pulling my hair out every day since then and I had to share the story with you because for the last two days is been the first time since I was 12 years old when I have it pulled my hair out I want you to know no matter how much fear you’ve got a rejection it probably isn’t anything close to that no matter how many challenges you got it’s probably nothing close to that if you learn to condition yourself you can change anything in your life rejection is something you don’t ever have to fear again make it tough to feel rejected make yourself feel strong everyone has a right to their opinion you know they don’t like how things are right now that’s okay you don’t have to agree with them you can listen but you don’t have to feel bad move ahead and allow rejection to drive you to be more committed and find a better way to get through to the people you’re talking to that’ll give you some real power and by the way she’s lost 58 pounds and she has herself a boyfriend who seems to be having a good time with her see you can overcome any fear of rejection it’s your perception of yourself by the way that determines how most people respond to you I mean think about it W Mitchell may not be the most attractive man in the world visually with his face scarred from the fires and sitting there in a wheelchair yet he attracted the woman of his dreams literally because he knows who he is on the inside and his own perception of himself is so powerful that it affects the way everyone around him responds to him and they don’t reject this man in masks they love him in mass love yourself and other people love you as well here’s your assignment pull out your success journal and I want you to do the following write down two experiences in your life that you used to consider failures you know those horrible feelings just to make you feel bad and I also wants you to write down two experiences in your life where you felt rejected two experiences where you felt like you’ve failed too or you felt rejected and what I want you to do next – these four items is the following I want you to write down a benefit that you got out of those experiences I know it didn’t feel like a benefit but if there was one acting as if there was one what could you benefit from out of that situation maybe it made you learn something maybe the pain of being rejected or the pain of feeling like you’ve failed may just study harder in the future or made your work harder or made you more motivated or made you more sensitive to other people who had been rejected in the past have you had experiences like that I want you to come up with a benefit and then step 2 I want use the eraser technique so you destroy the negative feelings that you associate it to that quote-unquote failure in fact I won’t feel like failure anymore and the same thing the thing used to call rejection so what they become are learning experiences rather than emotional things like failure and rejection so please do your homework and again I’ll see you on day 22 till then live with passion you
