sex & drugs & rock & roll

sex & drugs & rock & roll

GOOD EVENING.
I’M FROM ESSEX,
IN CASE YOU COULDN’T TELL.
MY GIVEN NAME IS DICKIE.
I COME FROM BILLERICAY,
AND I’M DOING…
[ DRUMROLL ]
VERY WELL!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪ HAD A LOVE AFFAIR WITH NINA
IN THE BACK OF MY CORTINA ♪
♪ A SEASONED-UP HYENA ♪
♪ COULD NOT HAVE BEEN
MORE OBSCENER ♪
♪ SHE TOOK ME TO THE CLEANERS
AND OTHER MISDEMEANORS ♪
♪ BUT I GOT RIGHT UP BETWEEN HER
RUM AND HER RIBENA ♪
♪ WELL,
YOU ASK JOYCE AND VICKY ♪
♪ IF CANDY-FLOSS IS STICKY ♪
♪ I AIN’T A BLINKIN’ THICKY ♪
♪ I’M BILLERICAY DICKIE ♪
♪ AND I’M DOING VERY WELL ♪
♪ I BOUGHT A LOT OF BRANDY
WHEN I WAS COURTING SANDY ♪
♪ TO AIM TO MAKE HER RANDY,
AND ALL I HAD WAS SHANDY ♪
♪ ANOTHER THING WITH SANDY
WHAT OFTEN CAME IN HANDY ♪
♪ WAS PASSING HER AND MANDY,
SHE DIDN’T HALF GO BANDY ♪
♪ SO, YOU ASK JOYCE AND VICKY ♪
♪ IF I EVER TOOK THE MICKEY ♪
♪ I AIN’T A COMMON THICKY ♪
♪ I’M BILLERICAY DICKIE ♪
♪ AND I’M DOING VERY WELL ♪
♪ I’D RENDEZVOUS WITH JANET
QUITE NEAR THE ISLE OF THANET ♪
♪ SHE LOOKED MORE LIKE A GANNET,
SHE WASN’T HALF A PRANNET ♪
♪ HER MOTHER TRIED TO BAN IT ♪
♪ HER FATHER HELPED ME PLAN IT,
GO ON, SON ♪
♪ AND WHEN I CAPTURED JANET,
SHE BRUISED HER POMEGRANATE ♪
[ SCREAMING ]
♪ OH,
YOU ASK JOYCE AND VICKY ♪
♪ IF I EVER SHAPED UP TRICKY ♪
[ SCREAMING CONTINUES ]
TELL HIM…
TO SHUT THAT RACKET UP!
♪ AND I’M DOING VERY WELL ♪
♪ YOU SHOULD NEVER HOLD
A CANDLE ♪
♪ IF YOU DON’T KNOW
WHERE IT’S BEEN ♪
♪ THE JACKPOT IS IN THE HANDLE ♪
♪ ON A NORMAL FRUIT MACHINE ♪
♪ SO, YOU ASK JOYCE AND VICKY ♪
[ SCREAMING ]
♪ WHO’S THEIR FAVORITE BRICKIE ♪
♪ I AIN’T A COMMON THICKY ♪
♪ I’M BILLERICAY DICKIE ♪
♪ AND I’M DOING ♪
♪ VERY WELL ♪
♪ SO, YOU… ♪
[ CRYING ]
♪ …ASK JOYCE AND VICKY ♪
♪ ABOUT BILLERICAY DICKIE ♪
♪ I AIN’T A FUCKING THICKY ♪
♪ I’M BILLERICAY DICKIE ♪
♪ AND I’M DOING VERY WELL ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
1, 2, 1.
[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ GASPS, SCREAMS ]
[ CRYING ]
[ SINGING INDISTINCTLY ]
WHOA.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
[ FEEDBACK SQUEALS ]
HOLD ON, HOLD ON.
[ MUSIC STOPS ]
THE TIMING’S OFF, MATE.
YOU’RE OUT OF TUNE.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
YOU LEARN TO PLAY THE DRUMS,
AND I’LL LEARN TO SING IN TUNE.
LET’S BE NICE, LADS.
HOW CAN YOU TELL
IF A STAGE IS LEVEL?
‘CAUSE THE DRUMMER DRIBBLES OUT
BOTH SIDES OF HIS MOUTH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH, VERY BRILLIANT.
FUNNY.
YOU KNOW,
WHAT’S FUNNY IS THIS, MATE.
YOU’RE FUCKING FIRED.
WHAT?
OH, NOT AGAIN.
OH, YES.
I’LL TAKE THE EQUIPMENT.
IT’S ALL RIGHT, YEAH.
YOUR BODY ODOR SMELLS LIKE
A FUCKING ORANGUTAN ON HEAT.
YOU SMELL LIKE
YOUR MOTHER’S COCK AND BALLS.
OHH!
COME ON, THEN.
Man:
WHO WANTS HIM OUT?
[ BABY CRYING ]
I’VE JUST GIVEN BIRTH.
ANY CHANCE
YOU COULD KEEP THE NOISE DOWN?
IT’S A BOY.
OH, YOU ARE SO CLEVER.
I’LL BE IN THE KITCHEN.
[ CRYING ]
NOW LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE.
[ CRYING CONTINUES ]
WE’RE ALL AROUND HERE, SON.
[ APPLAUSE ]
NOW, LISTEN, YOU MONKEYS.
STORIES ARE
WHAT WE TELL OURSELVES
TO MAKE OURSELVES
FEEL BETTER ABOUT OURSELVES,
SO NEVER LET THE TRUTH GET
IN THE WAY OF A GOOD STORY.
ONCE UPON A TIME,
IN A MYSTICAL LAND
FAR, FAR AWAY —
WELL, SOUTHEND-ON-SEA —
A YOUNG PRINCE HOLIDAYED.
HIS NAME WAS IAN DURY.
HE WAS HANDSOME, HEALTHY,
HIGHLY INTELLIGENT,
AND BRILLIANT AT SWIMMING.
[ CROWD GASPS ]
[ DRUMROLL ]
[ CROWD GASPS ]
LOOK AT ME.
WEREN’T I A LOVELY LITTLE CHAP?
[ DRUMROLL CONTINUES ]
[ CYMBAL CRASHES,
WHISTLE PLAYS ]
BUT IN THE POOL…
EVIL LURKED.
HIS NAME WAS POLIO,
A WATERBORNE CONTAMINATION,
A VIRUS,
AND WHEN IT GETS
INTO YOUR SYSTEM, YOU’VE HAD IT.
LADIES AND GENTS…
THE POLIO VIRUS,
A.K.A. THE CRIPPLER.
IT ATTACKS THE NERVOUS SYSTEM
HERE, HERE, AND HERE.
MAKES YOU BLOODY NERVOUS ‘CAUSE
IT CAN BLOODY WELL KILL YOU.
IT INFLAMES THE BRAIN STEM
AND FUCKS WITH THE SPINAL CORD,
LEADING TO PARALYSIS
AND MUSCULAR WASTING.
LOCK UP YOUR CHILDREN.
NO ONE IS SAFE!
A MONSTROUS EPIDEMIC.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING ]
DADDY!
[ FUNKY BLUES MUSIC PLAYING ]
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS,
LAUGHTER ]
Man: BLOODY HELL.
IT’S THE MUPPETS.
[ CONVERSATIONS CONTINUE ]
WE ARE THE BAND.
YOU GOT TO BE JOKING.
WE WAS GONNA CALL OURSELVES
“CRIPPLE, NIGGER, YID,
CHINK, AND DEAD FISH,”
BUT WE DIDN’T GET ANY BOOKINGS.
COULD YOU DIRECT US
TO THE ARTISTS’ DRESSING ROOMS?
[ TOILET FLUSHES ]
OH, YOU ARE SO GONNA MISS
ALL OF THIS
WHEN WE’VE MADE OUR MILLIONS AND
ARE PLAYING HAMMERSMITH ODEON.
WHY? DON’T HAVE FRIENDS
TO PISS IN THE DRESSING ROOMS?
NO, IT’S ALL SHAG BAR CARPETS
AND EXTRAORDINARY ACOUSTICS.
[ LAUGHS ]
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
Children: ♪ FOR HE’S
A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪
♪ FOR HE’S
A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪
Ian: WAIT, DID YOU HEAR THE ONE
ABOUT THE DYSLEXIC PIG
WHO SHUT UP A WAREHOUSE?
[ LAUGHS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
Children: ♪ …FELLOW ♪
♪ AND SO SAY ALL OF US ♪
YAY!
[ CHEERING ]
IS DAD COMING?
Ian: HEY, WHAT DO YOU CALL A MAN
WITH PAPER TROUSERS?
RUSSELL.
[ LAUGHS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
IF YOU DON’T MIND ME SAYING SO,
RUSSELL,
YOU ARE BEING
A RATHER MISERABLE OLD CUNT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
WE SHOULD SPEND OUR MONEY ON?
I DON’T KNOW.
BIRTHDAY PRESENTS,
BIRTHDAY HATS, BIRTHDAY CARDS.
[ BLOWS ]
[ SLIDE WHISTLE PLAYS ]
Boy: HEY, EVERYONE,
LET’S GIVE HIM THE BUGS!
LET’S GIVE HIM THE BUGS!
[ ALL SHOUTING ]
Ian:
WELL, I’D JUST LIKE TO SAY
THAT YOU’VE BEEN A MONUMENTALLY
ATROCIOUS AUDIENCE TONIGHT,
APART FROM THE FAITHFUL FEW
AT THE FRONT.
IT’S THE WORST GIG —
YES, I’LL BE THERE FOR YOU LOT.
IT’S THE WORST GIG WE’VE EVER
PLAYED SINCE SIDCUP CREMATORIUM.
BUT WE GOT TO FINISH ANYWAY.
WE HAVE A SONG
CALLED “BLACKMAIL MAN.”
1, 2!
1, 2, 3, 4!
[ INTRO TO “BLACKMAIL MAN”
PLAYS ]
Children: 3! 4!
♪ I’M AN IRISH CRIPPLE,
A SCOTTISH JEW ♪
♪ I’M THE BLACKMAIL MAN ♪
♪ A RASPBERRY RIPPLE,
A BUCKLE-MY-SHOE ♪
♪ I’M THE BLACKMAIL MAN ♪
♪ A SILVERY SPOON,
A BUBBLE AND SQUEAK ♪
♪ I’M THE BLACKMAIL MAN ♪
♪ WELL, I’M THE BLACKMAIL MAN,
AND I KNOW WHAT YOU DO ♪
♪ EVERY ONE OF YOU,
I’M THE BLACKMAIL MAN ♪
♪ YOU MAKE ME SICK,
MAKE ME TOM AND DICK ♪
♪ I’M THE BLACKMAIL MAN,
BLACKMAIL MAN ♪
[ ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]
I WOULDN’T HAVE BOOKED THEM
IF I’D KNOWN.
WHAT A LOAD OF SHITE.
THEY’RE OUT OF TUNE!
♪ …MAN ♪
♪ CAVALIER DRUNK ♪
[ SHOUTING CONTINUES ]
COME ON, RUSSELL!
GET IT RIGHT, YOU DOUGHNUT!
YOU’RE FUCKING SHIT!
GET OFF!
FUCK OFF!
♪ HAMPTON WICK ♪
♪ FRAISER AND NASH,
PONY AND TRAP ♪
♪ UP YOU HARRIS, IN YOUR MINCE ♪
♪ HAMPTONS DON’T LEAVE
FINGERPRINTS ♪
♪ I’M THE BLACKMAIL MAN ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ THUD ]
Man: PULL THAT!
OH, SHIT!
[ ALL SHOUTING ]
[ CROWD CHANTING INDISTINCTLY ]
I’M MORE OF AN
EMERSON LAKE & PALMER
MAN MYSELF.
[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING ]
I THOUGHT
YOU WERE FUCKING GREAT.
REALLY?
GREAT AS IN…
CELEBRATED,
ILLUSTRIOUS, FAMOUS?
OR GREAT AS IN LARGE,
FAT, BLOATED,
SOMETHING YOU DO
TO A NUTMEG, PERHAPS?
“GREAT” AS IN “GREAT.”
AND I SHOULD KNOW.
I SAW JIMI HENDRIX
BEFORE ANYONE.
REALLY?
MM-HMM.
TELL ME, WAS JIMI…
…NICE?
YEAH.
HE WAS EXTREMELY POLITE.
SO, DO YOU ALWAYS WEAR
THOSE GLASSES?
FOR YOUR PROTECTION,
MY DEAR.
OH, I’M VERY, VERY GOOD
WITH WOMEN.
I USED TO LIVE WITH ME MUM
AND HER TWO SISTERS.
I LIKE WOMEN SO MUCH,
I USED TO THINK I WAS
A REPRESSED HOMOSEXUAL.
[ LAUGHS ]
BUT I’M NOT.
FORTUITOUSLY,
I AM GORGEOUS TO LOOK AT.
CAN I TICKLE YOUR TONSILS,
PLEASE, MISS?
[ GIGGLES ]
MAYBE.
HMM.
YOU HAVE TO BE
EXTREMELY POLITE.
OI, SLING YOUR —
JUST PAY OUT
WHAT WAS AGREED.
I DIDN’T AGREE TO A BUNCH
OF SPAZZES FROM THE MENTAL HOME.
YOU SEE, THAT’S JUST NOT
A VERY SPIRITUAL THING TO SAY.
WELL, HAVE A LOOK
AT YOUR DRUMMER!
WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?
HE CAN’T LEAVE THE STAGE
AT THE INTERVAL.
SO?
WELL, IT DON’T HAVE
THE FUCKING PINK FLOYD, DOES IT?
AND AS FOR
LONG JOHN SILVER —
WAIT, MATE.
ARE YOU PUTTING ON?
YOU DIDN’T LIMP LIKE THAT
ON STAGE.
OH, NO.
ON STAGE I TRY TO HOVER.
LOOK, I’M SURE WE CAN COME
TO SOME FRIENDLY AGREEMENT.
YEAH, WE CAN AGREE.
YOU CAN’T SING,
AND YOU LOOK LIKE
A POTATO JESUS.
NO OFFENSE.
NONE TAKEN,
YOU FAT-ANKLED FUCKER.
FAT ANKLES?
HEY!
I MIGHT BE A FUCKING CRIPPLE,
MATE,
BUT I AM DANGEROUS,
ALL RIGHT?
YOU — YOU WANT TO SORT IT OUT,
YOU’RE IN A CAR.
UGH!
NICE ONE!
FUCK YOU!
GO ON, RUSSELL!
GET IN THERE!
[ ALL SHOUTING ]
RUSSELL, RUSSELL,
WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS.
HERE YOU ARE.
HERE’S YOUR MILLIONS.
JOKE MONEY.
JOKE LIFE.
IT’S OVER, MATE.
WE’RE GOING NOWHERE.
RUSSELL, HOW CAN YOU SAY
THINGS LIKE THAT?
I QUIT.
YOU QUIT? QUITTING’S NOT
IN THE VOCABULARY.
YEAH?
WHAT ABOUT “FUCK YOU, IAN”?
IS THAT
IN THE VOCABULARY?
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
NOTHING.
GO ON, THEN.
GO ON.
I DON’T FUCKING NEED YOU.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I WRITE THE MUSIC.
I DRIVE THE VAN.
I CARRY YOU UP THE STAIRS
WHEN YOU’RE PISSED.
I MAKE
THE FUCKING SANDWICHES.
CAN YOU DRIVE?
YEAH, SEE, SHE CAN DRIVE,
AND I BET SHE CAN MAKE
FUCKING SANDWICHES.
RUSSELL, COME ON.
LOOK, WE’RE TALKING, MATE.
WE’RE TRYING TO TALK.
RUSSELL!
RIGHT. YOU’RE FUCKING FIRED.
YOU ARE.
YOU’RE FIRED!
YOU DIDN’T QUIT.
YOU ARE FIRED!
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
YES? DO I KNOW YOU?
NO.
WELL, DO US A FAVOR
AND FUCK OFF, WILL YOU?
Man: HEY, IAN, YOU KNOW THAT KID
IS A KEYS PLAYER.
THAT’S NOT VERY POLITE,
IS IT?
I LEARNED THAT IN SCHOOL.
YOU’RE A GROUPIE?
NO, MUSICIAN.
WHAT DO YOU PLAY?
SORRY ‘BOUT THAT, MATE.
THAT’S ALL RIGHT.
I WAS OUT OF ORDER
BACK THERE.
IT’S THE DRINK, YOU KNOW.
IT’S BAD BREATH FOR THE MIND.
SOMEONE SAID
THAT YOU PLAY KEYBOARDS.
YEAH, I PLAY A LITTLE PIANO
AND GUITAR.
OH, WELL, WE DON’T HAVE
ANY GIVEAWAYS.
WHAT’S YOUR NAME?
CHAZ.
CHAZ?
CHAZ JANKEL.
CHAZ JANKEL?
VERY AVANT-GARDE.
I TELL YOU WHAT — WHY DON’T YOU
COME OVER TOMORROW?
AFTER ALL,
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY —
THE MORE INTERESTING A MAN,
THE GRAYER HIS TROUSERS.
AND THEY ALSO SAY YOU’RE NEVER
ALONE WITH SCHIZOPHRENIA.
SO, WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY KNOW?
BUT IT’S TRUE.
WE ARE ALL ON OUR OWN,
AREN’T WE?
Crowd:
OH, NO, YOU’RE NOT!
Ian: OH, YES, I AM!
OH, NO, YOU’RE NOT!
THE YOUNG PRINCE WAS.
HE WAS GONNA DIE.
DEATH WAS HIS BEDFELLOW.
SOME WHISPERED, “OH,
HE MIGHT BE BETTER OFF, TOO.
“I MEAN,
WHAT SORT OF QUALITY OF LIFE?
“A CRIPPLE?
A RASPBERRY RIPPLE.”
[ ROOSTER CROWS ]
BUT IN THE MORNING…
HE WAS STILL THERE.
YOU SEE, IT’S NOT THE SIZE
OF THE DOG IN THE FIGHT
BUT THE SIZE OF THE FIGHT
IN THE DOG.
MAGNIFICENT.
TROUBLE IS
THERE’S NO CURE FOR IT…
JUST LIKE LOVE.
THERE’S NO CURE FOR THAT,
NEITHER.
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
[ HORN HONKS ]
[ UP-TEMPO JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ]
[ HORN HONKS ]
HEY!
DADDY’S HOME!
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
YOUR DAD’S HERE.
AND NOW, THEN, LET’S SEE
WHAT THE OLD CLOT HAS GOT.
FOR YOU,
JEMIMA, DARLING…
BOING!
AND FOR YOU, MY SON…
FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY…
BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.
♪ BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM
BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM ♪
[ IMITATES EXPLOSIONS ]
SO POWERFUL,
NO MAN COULD STOP HIM.
RUBBISH.
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
[ ROARS ]
[ SCREAMS ]
[ ROARS ]
DON’T MAKE ME ANGRY!
YOU WON’T LIKE IT
WHEN I’M ANGRY!
DR. BANNER,
YOU’RE CHANGING!
[ SCREAMS ]
BUT WITH PAIN COMES POWER!
HULK IS STRONG!
[ SCREAMS ]
[ GLASS BREAKS IN DISTANCE ]
Betty:
YOU CHOSE TO LEAVE.
HE DOESN’T NEED YOU TURNING UP
OUT OF THE BLUE, YOU GIT!
HE NEEDS A FATHER!
HE’S GOT A FATHER!
I’M HIS FATHER!
HE NEEDS A FATHER
WHO’S AROUND!
WELL, I’M AROUND!
I MEAN, I COME AROUND.
I WAS HERE WHEN HE WAS BORN,
WASN’T I?
WELL, JUST DOWNSTAIRS.
I MEAN, NOT A LOT OF FATHERS
CAN SAY THAT.
FOUND A CUP.
THERE’S ONLY TWO LEFT.
HE’S BEEN MISSING SCHOOL.
AND STEALING.
WELL, THAT’S ALL RIGHT.
ALL BOYS DO THAT.
IT’S A BOY THING, ISN’T IT?
YEAH?
PACKET OF FAGS,
DIRTY MAGAZINE.
IN FACT, IT’S GOOD —
SIGN OF INTELLIGENCE.
SHOWS A SENSITIVITY
ABOUT THE WORLD.
AND HE’S BEING BULLIED.
BY WHO?
I TOLD HIM
NOT TO RETALIATE.
NO, YOU DON’T WANT
TO DO THAT.
HE WANTS TO GIVE HIM
A BLOODY GOOD SMACKING.
YEAH, WELL, THAT’S WHY
HE NEEDS TO COME AND STAY
WITH YOU FOR A WHILE.
NO.
NO, NO.
HE NEEDS YOU
AT THE MOMENT.
LOOK, I’M ON THE VERGE
OF SOMETHING.
THINGS ARE HAPPENING.
I’VE BEEN OFFERED SOME WORK
AT THE ACADEMY.
GOOD.
ONE OF US NEEDS TO EARN,
AND I CAN’T DO IT
STUCK OUT HERE IN THE COUNTRY.
[ SIGHS ]
I’VE ALWAYS ENCOURAGED YOU,
IAN.
NOW IT’S YOUR TURN.
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
[ CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING ]
IS DAD GONE?
LEFT ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.
[ SIGHS ]
[ UP-TEMPO JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS ]
IT’S ALL RIGHT.
BLIMEY.
HOW MANY MORE STEPS?
[ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ]
IT’S ONE OF OUR MANSIONS.
WE GET TO LIVE
IN A MANSION TOGETHER.
CATSHIT MANSIONS,
MORE LIKE.
[ LAUGHING ]
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ MUSIC STOPS ]
Denise:
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT COLOR FOR THE WALLS?
WOULD YOU SAY WHITE?
NAH, THAT’S TOO —
TOO INSTITUTIONAL.
BLUE, THEN?
NO, TOO CONSTITUTIONAL.
IT SHOULD BE CLARET.
YEAH.
YEAH, THE COLOR OF BLOOD,
PASSION, AND A SORT OF BOOZE.
[ CHUCKLES ]
YOU UP FOR IT?
MM-HMM.
I…
I CAN DO ANYTHING
IF YOU TEACH ME.
WHAT’S WRONG?
WE’RE GONNA HAVE TO
SWITCH PLACES,
‘CAUSE I’M STRUGGLING
TO UNDO YOUR BUTTONS
HERE WITH MY DODGY LEFT HAND.
[ GIGGLES ]
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
[ INTRO TO “WAKE UP
& MAKE LOVE WITH ME” PLAYING ]
OH, YOU ALREADY DID IT.
[ LAUGHS ]
♪ I COME AWAKE ♪
♪ WITH A GIFT FOR WOMANKIND ♪
♪ YOU’RE STILL ASLEEP ♪
HERE. GET OFF.
♪ BUT THE GIFT
DON’T SEEM TO MIND ♪
♪ RISE ON THIS OCCASION ♪
NOT TOO BAD.
YOU’VE DONE THIS BEFORE.
♪ HALFWAY UP YOUR BACK ♪
YEAH.
[ MOANS ]
♪ SLIDING DOWN YOUR BODY ♪
♪ TOUCHING YOUR BEHIND ♪
♪ YOU LOOK SO SELF-POSSESSED ♪
♪ I WON’T DISTURB YOUR REST ♪
♪ IT’S LOVELY
WHEN YOU’RE SLEEPING ♪
♪ BUT WIDE AWAKE IS BEST ♪
♪ WAKE UP
AND MAKE LOVE WITH ME ♪
♪ WAKE UP AND MAKE LOVE ♪
♪ WAKE UP
AND MAKE LOVE WITH ME ♪
♪ I DON’T WANT TO MAKE YOU ♪
♪ I’LL LET THE FANCY TAKE YOU ♪
♪ AND YOU’LL WAKE UP
AND MAKE LOVE ♪
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
[ LAUGHS ]
♪ YOU COME AWAKE ♪
♪ IN A HORNY MORNING MOOD ♪
♪ AND HAVE A PROPER WRIGGLE ♪
OW! STOP!
♪ IN THE NAUGHTY NAKED NUDE ♪
♪ ROLL AGAINST MY BODY ♪
♪ GET ME WHERE YOU WANT ME ♪
♪ WHAT HAPPENS NEXT IS PRIVATE ♪
[ MUSIC STOPS ]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THIS IS DENISE.
HELLO, DENISE.
THERE, THAT’S BAXTER.
HELLO, BAXTER.
YOUR DOOR WAS UNLOCKED.
MUM’S PUTTING THE KETTLE ON.
NICE.
GO ON, THEN.
OFF YOU COME.
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
FUCK.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
THANKS SO MUCH FOR THIS.
SO KIND.
IT TAKES QUITE A LOT
TO MAKE A HOME.
YEAH.
HOME IS THE PLACE
NO MATTER WHAT YOU’VE DONE,
THEY HAVE TO LET YOU IN.
THAT’S WHAT IAN SAYS.
SO, YOU’RE A BASS PLAYER?
BASS PLAYER, SANDWICH MAKER,
PERSONAL MANAGER,
SOLE DRIVER
FOR A VANFUL OF NUTTERS.
WE’RE LOOKING FORWARD
TO HAVING BAXTER STAY.
ANY TIME YOU NEED HELP,
WE’RE HERE.
YEAH.
UM…HE’S A LITTLE FUSSY.
HE DOESN’T LIKE TOMATOES,
FRUIT OF ANY KIND, POTATOES.
LIKE FATHER,
LIKE SON, EH?
[ CHUCKLES ]
HOW OLD ARE YOU, DENISE?
UM, I’M ALMOST 20.
OHH.
[ LAUGHS ]
[ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ]
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
IT WAS ALWAYS HEAVY
FOR ME, TOO.
[ DRUMS PLAYING ]
[ WHISTLE PLAYS ]
IS THAT ELVIS PRESLEY?!
DON’T THEY TEACH YOU
ANY CLASSICAL HISTORY
AT SCHOOL THESE DAYS?
THAT’S GENE VINCENT.
SCRAMBLE-EGGED HIS LEG
IN A BIKE ACCIDENT.
HIM AND EDDIE COCHRAN
WERE THE BRIGHTEST STARS
IN THE FIRMAMENT
WHEN THEY CLIMBED INTO A CAB
OUTSIDE OF SAVOY,
APRIL 16, 1960.
TWO HOURS LATER,
THEY HIT A HAIRPIN BEND.
[ CYMBAL CRASHES ]
CRASH!
EDDIE COCHRAN IS LYING, DYING,
IN HIS OWN BLOOD.
AND WHO HANDS “SWEET” GENE
HIS GUITAR
THAT NIGHT
OUTSIDE THE HOTEL?
A 14-YEAR-OLD MARC BOLAN,
WHO MARRIES PINK FLOYD’S
MANAGEMENT SECRETARY,
WHO SIGNS ME
TO STIFF RECORDS.
SHAKE MY HAND.
YOU’RE ONLY FIVE STEPS AWAY
FROM GREATNESS.
STIFF?
STIFF, YEAH.
THEIR MOTTO IS
“IF IT AIN’T STIFF,
IT AIN’T WORTH A FUCK.”
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
HOW’S SCHOOL?
HEADMISTRESS IS
A BIT OF A STUCK-UP OLD COW.
OI, LANGUAGE.
A BIT OF RESPECT.
EDUCATION’S IMPORTANT.
DELACROIX,
FRENCH– FRENCHMAN, HE WAS —
PAINTER.
HE SAID INSPIRATION IS GETTING
TO OUR STUDIES AT NIGHT.
[ DRUMS BEATING ]
DON’T MISS IT.
[ CYMBAL CRASHING ]
[ SCREAMING ]
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ BOTH SCREAMING ]
Denise: YOU KNOW
WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.
YOU’VE BARELY SAID TWO WORDS
TO THE WOMAN.
YOU CAN’T TREAT PEOPLE
LIKE THAT.
DON’T GIVE ME THAT.
BETTY AND I HAVE GOT
A SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP.
EXACTLY.
SHE’S YOUR WIFE.
YEAH, BASED ON LOVE AND TRUST
AND UNDERSTANDING.
WHAT,
AND TAKING THE PISS?
YOU WERE
REALLY FUCKING RUDE, IAN.
IT WAS THE PAST.
IT WAS A SEPARATE EXISTENCE.
ANYWAY…
I ASKED YOU TO MARRY ME.
YOU KEEP SAYING NO.
THIS ISN’T A JOKE.
YOU’VE GOT CHILDREN.
YOU ARE NEVER GONNA BE SEPARATE.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
EXCUSE ME!
I’M TRYING TO SLEEP.
[ SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING ]
[ MAN HUMMING ]
♪ MY OLD MAN
WAS FAIRLY HANDSOME ♪
[ SINGING INDISTINCTLY ]
[ HUMMING ]
[ BELL RINGS ]
[ CHILDREN SHOUTING ]
DADDY!
[ SINGING INDISTINCTLY ]
♪ MY OLD MAN
WAS FAIRLY HANDSOME ♪
GO ON, BOY.
COME ON.
BOXERS ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES
ON THE SIDE OF THE FACE
TO REMIND THEM
TO KEEP THEIR GUARD UP.
MOVE YOUR FEET.
COME ON.
MOVE YOUR FEET.
MOVE ABOUT.
THAT’S IT.
KEEP MOVING ABOUT.
MOVE AROUND THE SIDE.
GOOD ORTHODOX.
LOVELY.
ALL THEM SOUTHPAWS
SHOULD BE BURIED AT BIRTH.
WHERE YOU GOING?
THAT’S IT. STAND UP.
ALL RIGHT.
NOW MOVE ABOUT ON THE BALLS
OF YOUR FEET IF YOU CAN.
THAT’S IT. PLENTY OF THAT.
PLENTY OF LEG MOVEMENT.
WHEN YOU’RE READY,
I WANT YOU TO TRY TO SWING
AT ME, ALL RIGHT?
GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT.
COME ON.
[ GRUNTS ]
TURTLE!
TURTLE! TURTLE!
TURTLE!
[ WHISTLE BLOWS ]
WHAT’S ALL THIS?
YOU HAVE TO GET UP
ON YOUR OWN.
THAT’S THE RULE HERE,
ISN’T IT, CHILDREN?
Children:
YES, MR. HARGREAVES!
I’M NOT STAYING HERE.
MY DADDY’S COMING
TO TAKE ME AWAY.
OH, YOUR DADDY, EH?
GOOD FOR YOU.
[ HUMMING ]
Mr. Dury: SHAPE UP.
IT’LL BE BRAVE, ALL RIGHT?
NO MORE ST. LIBBY’S
FOR YOU, BOY.
GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT.
COME ON.
ALL RIGHT?
NO.
YOU GOT TO STAND
ON YOUR OWN.
COME ON.
COME ON. WELL DONE, SON.
YOU DID GOOD.
BUT NO ONE OUT THERE’S
GONNA HELP YOU.
ALL RIGHT, NOW,
THAT SEEMS HARSH, I KNOW,
BUT YOU’RE BORN ON YOUR OWN
AND YOU DIE ON YOUR OWN.
AND IN BETWEEN,
YOU EARN YOUR OWN RESPECT.
NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER,
AND NEVER STEP
INTO A DEAD MAN’S SHOES.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
IT MEANS YOU GOT TO DO IT
FOR YOURSELF.
BEING THE UNDERDOG
WITH NOTHING TO LOSE
IS THE BEST PLACE
TO START.
I’M DOING PRETTY GOOD
AT THE MOMENT, YOU KNOW? YEAH?
ONE OR TWO PROPER DEALS
ON THE CAR, MONEY OWED.
I GOT A NICE PENTHOUSE
IN OLD VICTORIA.
I’M HAPPY
WITH ME THINGS.
YOU SHOULD COME AND SEE ME.
WOULD YOU LIKE THAT?
WOULD YOU?
YEAH, I’D LIKE THAT.
[ HUMMING ]
[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]
[ RINGING CONTINUES ]
[ RINGING STOPS ]
DAD.
DAD!
[ COUGHS ]
WHAT TIME IS IT?
LUNCHTIME.
[ INHALES,
EXHALES SHARPLY ]
IS THAT YOUR MUM?
IT’S THE SCHOOL ON THE PHONE.
IT’S THE HEADMISTRESS.
HELLO?
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
WOMAN:
This is Baxter’s headmistress.
Is that Mr. Dury?
YES, MR. DURY SPEAKING,
YES.
Are you aware
that Baxter has school today?
MM-HMM.
Do you understand?
YEAH, NO, NO.
I DO UNDERSTAND, YES.
YEAH, OF COURSE.
I’m sure I don’t need
to tell you how important it is.
YEAH, NO,
I DO UNDERSTAND, YES.
YES, OKEY-DOKEY, YES.
Well, it’s all very well
saying you understand…
MM-HMM.
MM-HMM.
WELL…
YOU KNOW WHAT?
HE WAS RIGHT.
YOU ARE A BIT
OF A STUCK-UP OLD COW.
I beg your pardon?
TIDDLY-POO, MADAM.
SNOTTY OLD MAGGOT SHE IS.
GET THE KETTLE ON,
WILL YOU?
[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC
PLAYING IN DISTANCE ]
WHERE’S DENISE?
SHE’S GONE OUT.
YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO HELP ME
PUT ME LEG ON, THEN.
ALL RIGHT, COME HERE.
ALL RIGHT,
THEN HELP ME SWING AROUND.
LIFT THE FEET.
1, 2, 3.
MERCY.
SEE ME NEW LEG?
[ GRUNTS ]
I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THAT
FOR AGES.
BEAUTIFUL.
YOU DO THAT ONE,
I’LL DO THIS ONE.
GOT TO GET THIS
IN THE LOOP.
[ GROANS ]
OF COURSE,
I’M GETTING USED TO IT MYSELF.
SEE WHAT YOUR OLD MAN
HAS TO GO THROUGH EVERY DAY?
Ian: “DEAR JEMIMA,
“I’VE BEEN WORKING
WITH A MAN CALLED CHAZ.
“IF WE DO WELL,
“WE WILL HAVE
DISGUSTING ICE CREAM.
“IF WE DON’T, WE WILL CRY.
“BOO HOO!
I CAN’T WAIT
FOR YOU TO MEET DENISE.”
“YOU SHOULD COME UP
AND VISIT SOMETIME.
“BAXTER’S TURNING INTO
A RIGHT OLD GEEZER.
“ALWAYS KEEP A STRONG HEART
IN CASE OF SADNESS.
LOVE, YOUR CHARMING FATHER,
DAD, NEBBISH, CLOT.”
Man on radio:
I TOTALLY DISAGREE WITH NIGEL.
I MEAN, THE REAL SHOCK HERE
IS THE WHOLE SEX PISTOLS
SWEARING ON TELEVISION,
BILL GRUNDY BEING SACKED,
AND TURNING INTO SOME SORT
OF MORAL PANIC.
I MEAN,
THESE BOYS ARE THE FUTURE.
THEY’RE THE VOICE
OF A YOUNG GENERATION.
FUCKING SEX PISTOLS.
BOLLOCKS.
AND HE NICKED MY
RAZOR-BLADE-EARRING IDEA
AND ALL, DIDN’T HE?
TURN IT OFF, DEN,
WILL YOU?
I’M SORRY, NIGEL.
I’M SORRY.
[ RADIO TURNS OFF ]
IF YOU GET BITTER,
HAVE A STRONG HEART, REMEMBER?
NEVER LET IT BE SAID
THAT MY FAILURE WENT TO ME HEAD.
SWEARING
ON THE TELEVISION
IS NOT FUNNY
AND NOT FUCKING CLEVER!
LANGUAGE.
FIRST WORDS MY SISTER EVER SAID
WERE, “FUCK OFF, DAD.”
Chaz:
MUST BE INHERITED.
DOES SHE SACK DRUMMERS, TOO?
THE INCREDIBLE HULK
DOESN’T SWEAR, DOES HE?
HE’S GOT A MORAL COMPASS.
THAT’S RIGHT.
Ian: MORAL COMPASS?
I’M AN ENTERTAINER,
NOT CHRISTOPHER BLEEDING
COLUMBUS.
OI, WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THAT?
THAT’S TOO — TOO ROMANTIC.
THERE YOU GO.
IS THAT ALL?
IT’S BEEN A SLOW WEEK.
IAN?
TOO SATANIC.
WAIT, WAIT.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT ONE?
YOU ALWAYS GIVE ME
THAT ONE.
YEAH, AND?
WE KNOW
ALL ABOUT THAT, IAN.
OH, NO. CHAZ, CHAZ, CHAZ,
THAT — THAT IS A RIDDLE.
IT’S A LOVE SONG.
IT’S A QUESTIONING.
IT’S A STRIVING
OF THE HUMAN SOUL.
IT’S JUST CALLED
“SEX AND DRUGS AND
ROCK ‘N’ ROLL.”
THAT’S GOOD.
MNH-MNH.
YEAH, TELL HIM, DENI.
IT’S TOO OBVIOUS.
LOOK,
IT’S A CELEBRATION.
IT’S AN ANTHEM
FOR ALL THE OUTSIDERS,
FOR ALL THE UGLIES,
FOR ALL THE FREAKS, YOU KNOW,
WHO ARE SLAVING AWAY
EVERY DAY
IN THEIR SHIT SHIRTS
AND THEIR SHIT SHOES,
TRYING TO FIT IN.
“IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO LIFE?”
I ASK.
AND THEN,
LO AND BEHOLD…
[ HUMMING ]
CAN YOU DANCE TO THAT,
DENI?
YEAH,
IF YOU DANCE WITH ME.
YOU NICK THAT?
GOD, EVERYONE’S A CRITIC
THESE DAYS, AREN’T THEY?
[ HUMMING CONTINUES ]
THE IMMATURE ARTIST PLAGIARIZES.
THE MATURE ARTIST STEALS.
AND I AM ABOUT TO GROW UP.
[ HUMMING ]
[ PLAYING RIFF ]
ROLL.
HOW ‘BOUT…
[ STRUMMING CHORDS ]
SEE? YOU LOSE MORE COLOR.
YOU KNOW THAT?
THAT’S IT.
THAT’S IT.
[ STRUMMING CONTINUES ]
♪ GRAY IS SUCH A PITY ♪
YEAH! LOOK AT YOU.
MAGNIFICENT!
YOU ARE GONNA BE
JUST LIKE YOUR DAD.
NO, NO.
PROPER LITTLE GEEZER.
NO.
BAXTER, COME ON.
DON’T.
COME ON, BAXTER.
PUT IT IN.
BAX,
DON’T BE SUCH A BABY.
STOP IT.
GET OFF!
WHO DID THAT?
BOYS.
BIGGER BOYS.
SAID I WAS POSH.
ARE WE POSH?
NO,
WE’RE ARTS AND CRAFTS.
THAT’S WHAT WE ARE —
WE’RE ARTS AND CRAFTS.
THERE.
THAT’S HANDSOME, ISN’T IT?
[ MID-TEMPO FUNKY JAZZ MUSIC
PLAYING ]
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS,
LAUGHTER ]
BAXTER!
HERE HE IS!
HERE’S MY SON.
AND THESE ARE
ALL MY FRIENDS.
SAY, HELLO TO BAXTER,
EVERYBODY.
BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE
FOR MY SON.
[ APPLAUSE ]
YEAH.
LISTEN, WE HAVEN’T
TRIED THIS ONE BEFORE.
IT’S AN EXPERIMENTATION.
LET’S START IT.
WE’LL GO FOR THE ROCK —
YEAH, WE’LL GO FOR “WHITE FACE,
BLACK SHIRT, WHITE SOCKS.”
1, 2, 3, 4.
♪ WHO, WHO, WHO SLAPPED JOHN? ♪
[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING ]
♪ WHITE FACE, BLACK SHIRT,
WHITE SOCKS, BLACK SHOES ♪
♪ BLACK HAIR, WHITE STRAT,
BLED WHITE, DIED BLACK ♪
♪ SWEET GENE VINCENT ♪
♪ THERE’S ONE IN EVERY TOWN ♪
♪ AND THE DEVIL DRIVES
TILL THE HEARSE ARRIVES ♪
♪ AND YOU LAY THAT PISTOL DOWN ♪
KEEP SINGING THAT.
♪ SWEET GENE VINCENT ♪
♪ THERE’S ONE IN EVERY TOWN ♪
♪ THE DEVIL DRIVES
TILL THE HEARSE — ♪
OH, YEAH, KEEP SINGING.
♪ LAY THAT PISTOL DOWN ♪
[ INDISTINCT SINGING
IN DISTANCE ]
[ MID-TEMPO FUNKY JAZZ MUSIC
PLAYING ]
I HOPE
YOU DON’T MIND ME SAYING,
BUT YOU ARE BEING
A BIT OF A RIGHT OLD MOODY.
WE SAID
WE’D LOOK AFTER HIM, IAN.
I KNOW.
HE’S MY SON.
I’VE GOT HIM A DRIVER
AND EVERYTHING.
WHAT,
SOMEONE RELIABLE?
YEAH, YEAH, OF COURSE.
REALLY?
THE MAN WAS A ROADIE WITH
LED ZEPPELIN, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.
HELLO, BAXTER.
I’VE GOT A LITTLE SURPRISE
FOR YOU.
SPEAK OF THE DEVIL,
AND HE WILL APPEAR.
CAN YOU FEEL HIM SLOUCHING
EVER NEARER?
OOH, SANTA CLAUS
COME EARLY THIS YEAR.
NO, HE’S SET SAIL
FOR AUSTRALIA!
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]
[ THUNDER CRASHES ]
♪ THE SONS OF THE PROPHET
WERE BRAVE MEN AND BOLD ♪
♪ AND QUITE UNACCUSTOMED
TO FEAR ♪
♪ BUT THE BRAVEST BY FAR
IN THE RANKS OF THE SHAH ♪
♪ WAS
ABDULLAH BULBUL AMEER ♪
♪ ONE DAY THIS BOLD RUSSIAN
HAD SHOULDERED HIS GUN ♪
♪ AND DONNED
HIS MOST TRUCULENT SNEER ♪
♪ DOWNTOWN HE DID GO,
WHERE HE TROD ON THE TOE ♪
♪ OF ABDULLA BULBUL AMEER ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
WATCH IT!
OH, SHIT.
SORRY, KIDS.
Ian: [ LAUGHS ]
HE DID NOT BLINK.
HAVE FUN.
HA HA!
[ RAIN FALLING ]
[ SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING ]
[ CRYING ]
WHY, DAD?
Mr. Dury: I’M DOING PRETTY GOOD
AT THE MOMENT, YOU KNOW?
YOU SHOULD COME
AND SEE ME.
WOULD YOU LIKE THAT?
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ MID-TEMPO BLUES MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ ENGINE REVVING ]
[ ENGINE BACKFIRES ]
♪ THE SONS OF THE PROPHET
WERE BRAVE MEN AND BOLD ♪
♪ AND QUITE UNACCUSTOMED
TO FEAR ♪
[ BELL RINGS, TIRES SCREECH ]
YOUR MUM TOLD YOUR DAD
TO TELL ME
TO MAKE SURE YOU WENT IN.
GO ON.
YOU’RE A PRICK.
[ HEROIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ ALARM SOUNDING ]
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
WELL,
THAT WENT WELL, THEN.
COME ON.
[ UP-TEMPO JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ ENGINE REVS, BACKFIRES ]
Ian:
[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]
DON’T SHOUT AT ME!
I’M NOT SHOUTING!
WHO’S SHOUTING?!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT TRY
AND SELL MY TYPEWRITER?
HOW DID YOU KNOW?
‘CAUSE IT SAYS IN HERE,
“FOR SALE —
IAN DURY’S FUCKING TYPEWRITER”!
ALL RIGHT, I DID IT.
HELLO?
[ INDISTINCT ARGUING ]
IAN, WE NEED TO WORK.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, IAN?
NO ONE FUCKING WANTED IT!
I AM NOT YOUR FUCKING PET,
ALL RIGHT?!
I’M AS HUNGRY FOR THIS
AS YOU ARE!
THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER’S
COMING OUT, IS IT?
[ INDISTINCT ARGUING ]
HOW WAS SCHOOL?
OKAY.
AAH! FUCK YOU!
FUCK YOU.
WRITE THE LINE —
“I WILL SHOW MORE RESPECT”!
I’M DOING ALL THIS FUCKING WORK,
ALL THIS WORK,
FOR THE FAMILY, RIGHT —
YOU AND ME?!
YOU AND ME IS FAMILY!
UGH!
OH, FUCK.
GOD, YOU EVEN FIGHT
LIKE A BLOKE, DENI.
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
OH, GREAT.
I BROKE ME NEW LEG.
CAN YOU HELP ME TAKE IT OFF,
PLEASE?
Chaz: IAN?!
HELLO?!
UGH!
YOU THINK YOU DO THIS
FOR THE FAMILY, IS IT, IAN?
YEAH. YEAH.
IS THAT
WHY THE FUCK YOU WANT IT?
EVERYTHING YOU DO IS FOR YOU,
ON YOUR TERMS.
AND IF THE REST OF US
HAPPEN TO FIT ALONG,
THEN THAT IS
A FUCKING BONUS.
IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK?
YEAH,
THAT’S WHAT I THINK.
IS THAT
WHAT YOU REALLY THINK?
‘CAUSE IF THAT’S RIGHT,
WELL, YOU BETTER FUCK OFF,
THEN,
BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?
I CAN’T HANDLE THIS.
I CAN’T HANDLE THIS.
I’M ON A FLOW AT THE MOMENT.
I’M RIGHT IN IT.
I’M RIGHT INSIDE IT.
AND YOU’RE GETTING RIGHT INSIDE
MY BRAIN WHEN I AM ON ONE,
AND I WON’T HAVE IT,
ALL RIGHT?
SO, IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE IT,
THEN FUCK OFF.
YOU THINK YOU CAN DO WITHOUT ME,
DO YOU, IAN?
[ CHUCKLES ] YEAH.
REALLY?
WAIT.
CAN I HAVE ME LEG BACK?
WAIT!
DON’T LEAVE ME ON THE FLOOR!
I’M A RASPBERRY!
UGH!
NICE THROW.
Chaz: EASY.
GOOD — GOOD GOING.
ALL RIGHT.
WHOO! FUCK.
OHH.
AHH.
WE CAN REBUILD IT.
WHOO-HOO-HOO!
[ CHUCKLES ]
Chaz: HE JUST NEEDS
A BIT OF DISTANCE.
I’M EITHER TOO CLOSE
OR NOT FAR ENOUGH AWAY.
DENISE, WHAT —
WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM
HAPPENED A LONG TIME AGO.
THERE’S NOTHING
WE CAN DO ABOUT IT NOW.
EVERYONE HAS
THEIR WEAKNESS.
IT’S JUST THAT HIS WEAKNESS
IS SO OBVIOUS,
HE DOESN’T NEED TO WORRY
ABOUT IT.
WHAT ABOUT ME?
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
MY WEAKNESS IS LOVING HIM.
[ ENGINE BACKFIRES ]
DAD’S HOME.
I-I’M KNOCKING 40.
I’M…A BIT OF A SHORTY.
LITTLE BIT HAUGHTY.
BIT NUTTY, BIT NAUGHTY.
ENOUGH WITH
THE RHYMING COUPLETS.
LOOK, I WILL PAY FOR MONEY
FOR THE ROOM,
OF WHICH YOU CAN BE
THE STERN LANDLADY
WITH THE SURGICAL STOCKINGS
AND THE TWINKLE IN HER EYE.
THIS IS SERIOUS.
I WILL BE GENERALLY
A DOMESTIC GOD FOR THE DURATION.
PROMISE. PLEASE.
OH, COME ON, BET.
JUST THIS ONCE?
I’VE GOT WORK.
RIGHT.
OHH.
FASTER.
GOOD.
NO FAINTING.
[ WHISTLE BLOWS ]
UP, UP, UP!
SLIDERS OUT FIRST,
THEN WALKERS.
LEGS OUT! COME ON!
COME ON!
COME ON!
[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]
OI, GET A MOVE ON!
[ WHISTLE BLOWS ]
UP, UP, UP!
OI, DURY, GET ON WITH IT.
OH. OHH.
SHITTER.
Children: SHITTER! SHITTER!
SHITTER! SHITTER!
FASTER. DO IT.
SHITTER! SHITTER!
FASTER.
SHITTER! SHITTER!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!
GET A MOVE ON.
WHERE’S YOUR DADDY NOW?
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
Ian:
HEALTH — IMPROVING.
GREEN. THAT’S GOOD.
FRUSTRATION.
STINKER. STUN.
KNOCK ONE DOWN
WITH A FEATHER, CLEVER.
CLEVER TREVOR.
SEE, THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS
A GLORIOUSLY SOPHISTICATED
SMORGASBORD
OF WORDS AND PHRASES.
AND SONGWRITING’S
REALLY NOT THAT COMPLICATED.
IT’S ALL ABOUT THE VERBALS.
I’LL GO FIRST.
COCK.
YOUR TURN.
WILLY.
DICK.
KNOB.
LOVE TRANCHARD.
DONG.
MEAT AND TWO VEG.
UM…
[ LAUGHS ]
COME ON.
KEEP ‘EM COMING.
RHYTHM STICK.
CHOPPER.
OLD MAN.
PORK SWORD.
ONE-EYED TROUSER SNAKE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OHH.
LOOK AT YOU ALL.
BLOODY MARVELOUS.
I LOVE BEING IN THE WARM BOSOMS
OF MY FAMILY.
YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE…
I LOVE WARM BOSOMS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
DAD…
COME ON.
DINNER’S ON THE TABLE.
[ SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
COME ON, THEN.
TOUCH ME AGAIN,
AND I’LL PUNCH YOUR HEAD IN,
KICK YOUR HEAD IN,
KICK YOUR HEAD IN!
TOUCH ME AGAIN,
AND I’LL KICK YOUR FUCKING TEETH
SO FAR DOWN YOUR GREGORY PECK,
YOU’LL BE ABLE TO EAT
OUT OF YOUR KHYBER PASS!
FUCK ME.
LOOK WHO IT IS.
FUCK OFF!
DURY, DURY,
THE DANCING DUREX.
DON’T GET SHIT ON ME,
POSH BOY.
LEAVE ME ALONE!
WALK AWAY! FUCK OFF!
GONNA GET YOUR SPAZZY DAD
TO COME SAVE YOU?
‘CAUSE GUESS WHAT —
WE DON’T GIVE A SHIT WHO HE IS.
FUCKING SPAZ.
WHAT’S HIS NAME AGAIN?
CAPTAIN CRIPPLE,
THE RASPBERRY RIPPLE?
FUCK OFF!
WHO THE FUCK
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!
YOU’VE LEARNT SOME WORDS,
HAVE YOU?
PROPER LITTLE VILLAIN.
ALL RIGHT, BAX?
ALL RIGHT, STRANG.
YOU KNOW YOU GOT BLOOD
COMING OUT OF YOUR NOSE?
[ GROWLS ]
Ian:
WHO AWOKE THE SLEEPING TIGER?
IT WAS THEE.
THE DORMANT DEVIL
DID NO HARM…
EXCEPT TO ME.
THE WRITER SAT,
SCRATCHING HIS ARSE,
WISHING
HE WASN’T MIDDLE CLASS.
[ LAUGHS ]
I MET SOMEONE ELSE.
WHAT, AROUND HERE?
YOU WANT TO BE CAREFUL.
HE’S WELSH.
HE DOES CERAMICS.
OH, POTTERY SHEEP.
WE SHOULD THINK
ABOUT GETTING A DIVORCE.
NO.
NO.
IT WOULD BE BETTER FOR YOU,
BETTER FOR THE KIDS,
BETTER FOR DENISE.
IT’S FAR TOO LOGICAL.
NO, BET, THAT WOULD BE JUST LIKE
TOSSING EVERYTHING AWAY.
DON’T DO THIS, IAN.
BUT I LOVE YOU.
I KNOW YOU LOVE ME.
BUT YOU DON’T NEED ME.
THERE’S SOMEONE ELSE
WHO NEEDS ME.
[ LAUGHS ]
HELLO.
WELCOME HOME.
I MISSED YOU.
OH, I MISSED YOU, TOO.
YOU…HAVE PAINTED.
MM-HMM.
FRESHEN IT UP.
I THOUGHT IT WAS LOOKING
A BIT JADED.
YOU DON’T LIKE IT,
DO YOU?
I DIDN’T SAY THAT.
YOU DON’T.
IT’S ALL VERY…
…WHITE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
KNOCK, KNOCK?
WHO’S THERE?
WE GOT
SOME GREAT TUNES.
NOW ALL WE NEED IS A BAND
WITH A DRUMMER I CAN’T SACK.
HIT ME.
1!
2!
3!
4!
[ HORN HONKS ]
[ INTRO TO “BLOCKHEADS” PLAYS ]
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
♪ YOU MUST HAVE SEEN PARTIES
OF BLOCKHEADS ♪
♪ WITH BLOTCHED
AND LAGERED SKIN ♪
[ WHISTLES ]
♪ BLOCKHEADS WITH FOOD PARTICLES
IN THEIR TEETH ♪
♪ WHAT A HORRIBLE STATE
THEY’RE IN ♪
♪ THEY’VE GOT WOMANLY BREASTS
UNDER PALE MAUVE VESTS ♪
♪ SHOES LIKE DEAD PIGS’ NOSES ♪
♪ CORNFLAKE PACKET JACKET ♪
♪ CATALOG TROUSERS ♪
♪ A MOUTH WHAT NEVER CLOSES ♪
♪ YOU MUST HAVE SEEN BLOCKHEADS
IN RAUCOUS TEAMS ♪
♪ DRESSED UP AFTER WORK ♪
♪ WHO SCREW
THEIR POOR OLD EILEENS ♪
♪ GET SLOSHED AND GO BERSERK ♪
♪ ROTARY ACCESSORY WATCHES ♪
♪ HIRE-PURCHASE SIGNET RINGS ♪
♪ A BEAUTY TO THE BULLY BOYS ♪
♪ NO LONELY VESTIGE CLINGS ♪
♪ BLOCKHEADS ♪
OI!
♪ BLOCKHEADS ♪
OI!
♪ BLOCKHEADS ♪
♪ BLOCKHEADS ♪
♪ BLOCKHEADS ♪
♪ BLOCKHEADS ♪
OI!
♪ BLOCKHEADS ♪
♪ BLOCKHEADS ♪
♪ BLOCKHEADS ♪
♪ BLOCKHEADS ♪
♪ BLOCKHEADS ♪
♪ BLOCKHEADS ♪
♪ BLOCKHEADS ♪
♪ BLOCKHEADS ♪
BLOCKHEAD, BLOCKHEAD, BLOCKHEAD,
BLOCKHEAD, BLOCKHEAD!
Crowd: [ Chanting ]
IAN! IAN! IAN! IAN! IAN! IAN!
[ WHISTLE BLOWS ]
IAN! IAN! IAN! IAN!
Ian: OH, THIS IS IT.
JUST ON THE RIGHT. PULL IN HERE.
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
[ MUSIC STOPS ]
OH, MY LORD!
[ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ]
[ SLOW MUSIC PLAYING ]
RIGHT, THEN.
CHRIS, LET’S GET THIS
DONE BEFORE WE ATTRACT
TOO MUCH ATTENTION.
OKAY, IAN.
[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]
NICE.
HEY,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I’M BORED.
ONLY BORING PEOPLE
GET BORED.
GO ON.
OFF YOU GO.
[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING ]
BAXTER,
WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
Chris:
COUPLE OF MORE POSES.
[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]
Ian: COME ON, BAXTER.
I’M WORKING.
[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]
HOLD IT.
HOLD IT THERE.
GOT IT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
GO ON.
[ INTRO TO “SEX & DRUGS
& ROCK & ROLL” PLAYS ]
Announcer:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE WELCOME THE JEWEL
IN THE ENGLISH CROWN,
MR. IAN DURY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
1, 2, 3, 4!
♪ SEX AND DRUGS
AND ROCK AND ROLL ♪
♪ ARE ALL MY BRAIN
AND BODY NEED ♪
♪ SEX AND DRUGS
AND ROCK AND ROLL ♪
♪ IS VERY GOOD, INDEED ♪
♪ EVERY BIT OF CLOTHING ♪
♪ OUGHT TO MAKE YOU PRETTY ♪
♪ YOU CAN CUT THE CLOTHING ♪
♪ GRAY IS SUCH A PITY ♪
♪ I SHOULD WEAR THE CLOTHING ♪
♪ OF MR. WALTER MITTY ♪
♪ SEE, MY TAILOR,
HE’S CALLED SIMON ♪
♪ I KNOW
IT IS GOING TO FIT ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪ HERE’S A LITTLE BIT
OF ADVICE ♪
♪ YOU’RE QUITE WELCOME,
IT IS FREE ♪
♪ DON’T DO NOTHING
THAT IS CUT PRICE ♪
♪ YOU KNOW
WHAT IT’LL MAKE YOU BE ♪
♪ THEY WILL TRY
THEIR TRICKY DEVICE ♪
♪ TRAP YOU WITH THE ORDINARY ♪
♪ GET YOUR TEETH
INTO A SMALL SLICE ♪
♪ THE CAKE OF LIBERTY! ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪ SEX AND DRUGS
AND ROCK AND ROLL ♪
♪ SEX AND DRUGS
AND ROCK AND ROLL ♪
♪ SEX AND DRUGS
AND ROCK AND ROLL ♪
[ PANTING ]
WHA!
♪ SEX ♪
♪ DRUGS ♪
♪ ROCK, ROLL ♪
♪ SEX, DRUGS ♪
♪ ROCK AND ROLL ♪
♪ SEX ♪
♪ DRUGS ♪
♪ ROCK AND ROLL ♪
♪ SEX ♪
♪ DRUGS ♪
♪ ROCK AND ROLL ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ SONG ENDS ]
Crowd: [ Chanting ]
IAN! IAN! IAN! IAN! IAN!
IAN! IAN! IAN!
IAN! IAN! IAN!
[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING,
INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]
SEE, PEOPLE IMAGINE
PEOPLE LIKE ME.
WHEN WILL THEY BE POPULAR
AND FAMOUS?
BUT I DON’T.
I PREFER BEING A LURKER.
‘CAUSE I LIKE BEING NAUGHTY.
PAUL McCARTNEY SAYS
WHEN HE GETS RECOGNIZED,
HE JUST WALKS BRUSQUELY AWAY.
WELL, IF I WALK BRUSQUELY AWAY,
I FALL OVER,
AND DOWN I GO A-TUMBLE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
DID I SAY YOU COULD LAUGH?
TOUCH MY HAND!
TOUCH IT!
I’M NOT THE FUCKING POPE,
AM I?
NOW YOU CAN LAUGH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IAN! IAN!
[ CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING ]
[ CROWD SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]
[ UP-TEMPO JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ]
Man:
SO, HOW’S THE NEW GAFF?
KEEPING ALL YOU GUYS
PRODUCTIVE?
Ian: WELL, YOU GOT TO PACE
YOUR LIFE.
LIFE — THERE ARE STAGES,
SO THAT’S WHAT I’M DOING —
BIDING ME TIME
TILL I’M READY TO POUNCE.
Denise: BAX. BAX.
DON’T YOU WANT TO SWIM?
ARE YOU SURE?
Baxter: YEAH.
Man:
YOU YOURSELF —
HAVE YOU LOST THAT COMMON TOUCH
THAT PEOPLE SAID YOU HAD?
Ian:
WELL, THAT ALL DEPENDS
ON WHERE I’M TOUCHING THEM,
DOESN’T IT?
AND IS IT POSSIBLE TO MAINTAIN
A UNIQUENESS, DO YOU THINK?
WELL, WE’RE ALL UNIQUE,
AREN’T WE, EH?
IF YOU WISH TO PACKAGE
THAT UNIQUENESS,
WELL, THEN,
YOU TAKE RISKS.
DON’T WE, DENISE? EH?
EVEN —
EVEN WITH THINGS IN LOVE?
LOVE. MM.
WELL, THERE ARE PEOPLE
IN THIS WORLD
WHO ACT PURELY OUT OF LOVE,
WHEREAS ME —
I’M A WANKER
BEING INTERVIEWED BY A CUNT,
AND I LOVE IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AM I MAKING A BIT OF A KIPPER
OF MESELF, DENI?
OUR FAMOUS LITTLE SQUIRT WANTS
TO KNOW HOW WE’RE GETTING ON.
WELL,
I’D LIKE TO BE AT HOME.
OH, WOULD YOU?
WELL, THIS IS HOME.
NO, THIS IS RENTED
FOR A SMALL FORTUNE, ACTUALLY.
OH, WELL, YOU KNOW,
WE’VE GOT TO BE HERE
‘CAUSE WE’VE GOT TO WORK,
HAVEN’T WE?
IT’S INDUSTRIAL
RELATIONS NOW —
NO TIME
FOR REAL RELATIONS.
YEAH, I’VE NOTICED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BAGGERS.
AMPHETAMINES.
SPEED. BILLY. WHIZ.
BLACK BEAUTIES. SULPHATE.
RAUNCHY STUFF.
ORIGINALLY
A NASAL DECONGESTANT.
USED IT IN THE WAR.
IT KEEPS YOU AWAKE.
BASICALLY,
SPEED WON THE BATTLE OF BRITAIN.
THEY WERE FLYING VERY HIGH,
THOSE BOYS — LITERALLY.
THAT’S A LOT.
DON’T WANT TO WITHDRAW.
[ COUGHS ]
[ LAUGHS ]
GO ON, SON.
HERE.
[ LAUGHS ]
[ LAUGHS ]
Man: YOUR LIVES
ARE TO BE SPARED.
THE TERRIBLE PENALTY OF
CRUCIFIXION HAS BEEN SET ASIDE
ON THE SINGLE CONDITION
THAT YOU IDENTIFY THE BODY
OR THE LIVING PERSON
OF THE SLAVE
CALLED SPARTACUS!
I’M SPARTACUS!
I’M SPARTACUS!
I’M SPARTACUS!
SPILLED ME NUTS.
OH, SORRY.
I’M SPARTACUS!
I’M SPARTACUS!
I’M SPARTACUS!
WE SHOULD WORK.
Shh, shh, shh.
KIRK DOUGLAS IS JUST ABOUT
TO GET CRUCIFIED.
WELL, I’VE JUST WRITTEN
A BRILLIANT RIFF.
JUST RELAX, WILL YOU?
IAN, LISTEN, IT’S FANTASTIC.
WE SHOULD GO WORK ON IT.
WHAT ARE YOU, SOME SORT
OF MAD NIGHT PROFESSOR?
WILL YOU SHUT UP?
I’M TRYING TO WATCH A MOVIE.
[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]
CHAZ,
YOU’RE STANDING IN MY WAY.
I’VE GOT TO GET THE GUITAR.
WILL YOU GET ME
SOME MORE NUTS?
ACTUALLY, CAN YOU GET ME
SOME OLIVES, AS WELL? STONED.
[ ALL GROANING ]
[ DOOR SLAMS ]
TIE HIM UP.
Ian: COME ON, BAXTER.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?
SCARED OF A BIT OF WATER?
Denise:
LEAVE HIM ALONE, IAN.
JUST JUMP IN.
IT’S THE ONLY WAY.
NO.
I DON’T WANT TO.
LOOK,
HE DOESN’T WANT TO, IAN.
COME ON, I DARE YA.
IT’S BLOODY FREEZING.
COME ON.
LET HIM OFF.
GO ON, BAX.
NO, NO.
70% OF THE WORLD
IS COVERED IN WATER.
IT’S A VERY DANGEROUS PLACE.
GO ON, BAX.
GO ON.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
OI!
WHY DON’T YOU JUMP IN?
ACTUALLY,
I WAS A BRILLIANT SWIMMER.
DON’T YOU THINK
HOW LUCKY WE ARE —
GOT A BIG HOUSE
AND A POOL
AND RECORD NUMBER ONE
ON THE HIT PARADE?
DOESN’T THAT
MAKE YOU HAPPY?
YOU NEED SLEEP, IAN.
NO, PLENTY OF TIME FOR SLEEPING
WHEN YOU’RE DEAD.
[ DISCORDANT JAZZ MUSIC
PLAYING ]
[ WATER SPLASHES ]
LAST CHICKEN IN THE SHOP.
DON’T YOU SEE?
OH, DO YOU SEE
THAT I AM COOKED?
[ INTRO TO “HIT ME
WITH YOUR RHYTHM STICK” PLAYS ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
♪ IN THE DESERTS OF SUDAN ♪
♪ AND THE GARDENS OF JAPAN ♪
♪ FROM MILAN TO YUCATáN ♪
♪ EVERY WOMAN, EVERY MAN ♪
♪ HIT ME
WITH YOUR RHYTHM STICK ♪
♪ HIT ME ♪
♪ HIT ME ♪
♪ DAS IST GUT,
C’EST FANTASTIQUE ♪
♪ HIT ME, HIT ME, HIT ME ♪
♪ HIT ME
WITH YOUR RHYTHM STICK ♪
♪ IT’S NICE TO BE A LUNATIC ♪
♪ HIT ME, HIT ME ♪
♪ HIT ME ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HIT ME!
TURN YOUR FUCKING MIKE DOWN!
I CAN’T HEAR MYSELF THINK!
[ INDISTINCT ARGUING ]
I ALREADY
TOLD YOU ONCE!
[ FEEDBACK SQUEALS ]
GET OFF ME!
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]
OH, YEAH?
FORGET IT!
[ MEN SINGING INDISTINCTLY ]
♪ JINGLE BELLS ♪
♪ RUDOLPH SMELLS ♪
♪ SANTA SHAGGED AN ELF ♪
♪ TINY TIM
PLAYS WITH HIS CRUTCH ♪
♪ AND THINKS IT IS HIMSELF ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
HAPPY CHRISTMAS!
I’M…THE HUSBAND.
WHERE’D YOU GET
YOUR BLACK EYE FROM?
WELL,
IT’S FUNNY YOU SHOULD —
FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY THAT,
ACTUALLY, BECAUSE —
SORRY.
WHAT’S YOUR NAME AGAIN?
CLIVE.
WE WERE AT THIS POSH RESTAURANT,
WEREN’T WE, STRANG?
CALLED CAPRICE.
CAPRICE.
I LOOK OVER, AND I SAY,
“LOOK!
IT’S OMAR FUCKING SHARIF!”
IT IS!
SO I GO ALL THE WAY OVER,
AND I GO OVER,
AND I SAYS TO HIM,
“YOUR FIRST FILM WAS GREAT,
AND THE REST WAS SHIT.”
AND HE SAID, “WELL, I DON’T
GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU THINK.”
AND I SAID,
“OH, YOU’RE A CUNT.”
AND HE SAID,
“FUCKING COME ON,”
AND HE FUCKING SMACKED ME
RIGHT IN THE FACE.
I MEAN,
TALK ABOUT OVERREACTING.
[ LAUGHS ]
[ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ]
THAT’S
THE MOST EXPENSIVE FIST
YOU’LL EVER HAVE
IN YOUR MOUTH.
DO YOU WANT STUFFING
WITH THAT?
OOH.
BAA.
BAA.
Betty: NOT TOO MUCH OF THE MEAT,
DARLING.
THAT’S TOO MUCH.
[ LAUGHS ]
[ LAUGHS ]
Ian:
[ LAUGHS MANIACALLY ]
[ CHORTLES ]
[ SIGHS ]
HOME-IMPROVEMENT EXPERT
HAROLD HILL
OF HAROLD HILL
CAME HOME TO FIND
ANOTHER GENTLEMAN’S KIPPERS
IN HIS GRILL.
SO HE SANDED
THE GEEZER’S WINKLE OFF
WITH A BLACK & DECKER
DRILL.
[ OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ CRYING ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU’RE ALL RIGHT, CLIVE.
YOU KNOW THAT?
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
GO ON, FINISH THAT.
GO ON WITH THE FUCKING THING.
SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU, MAN.
STAND UP, SIT DOWN.
I CAN’T KEEP HOPPING.
OH, WHINGE, WHINGE,
WHINGE.
I’M GONNA BE KEEPING MY EYES
ON YOU.
COME OUT OF MY FACE
WITH THAT, TOO, MAN.
MY NAME IS DESMOND,
NOT SPARKY.
DESI, DESIRéE.
DESIRéE.
DESMOND.
ALL RIGHT, DESIRéE.
LIKE YOUR SHIRT,
BY THE WAY.
I USED TO HAVE ONE LIKE THAT
IN THE 1970s, YOU KNOW.
[ LAUGHS ]
COME ON, GIVE US A SMILE.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT?
GO INSIDE
AND CLOSE THE DOOR, MAN.
STRANG, STRANG.
GUYS, TIME IS MONEY,
MONEY IS TIME.
THIS IS EXPENSIVE EQUIPMENT.
COME ON, DO THIS.
COME ON, THEN.
[ INTRO TO “THERE
AIN’T HALF BEEN SOME
CLEVER BASTARDS” PLAYS ]
♪ NOEL COWARD WAS A CHARMER ♪
♪ AS A WRITER, HE WAS BRAHMA ♪
♪ WE FELL — ♪
[ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ]
WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THAT?
THAT WAS PERFECT.
[ LAUGHS ]
DO IT AGAIN.
DO IT AGAIN.
SORRY. SORRY, GUYS.
I’M SORRY. I’M SO SORRY.
PLEASE FORGIVE ME,
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.
THEY’VE GOT NO FUCKING SENSE
OF HUMOR, THAT LOT, I TELL YOU.
[ MUSIC RESUMES ]
♪ NOEL COWARD WAS A CHARMER ♪
WHAT?
PITCHY.
PITCHY. LISTEN.
PITCHY?
IT WERE PITCHY.
FUCK ‘EM.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS, MAN.
IT SOUNDS LIKE A BAD VERSION
OF BARRY WHITE.
WHAT DID HE JUST SAY?
YOU BETTER —
WHAT DID HE SAY?
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATION ]
JUST —
JUST COOL IT FOR A MINUTE.
[ ALL SHOUTING ]
GET ME UP!
GET ME FUCKING UP, YOU CUNT!
LOOK AT THE DRUMS!
LOOK AT THE DRUMS!
YOU DON’T TOUCH
ONE OF MY INSTRUMENTS —
[ LAUGHS ]
GET OUT OF MY STUDIO.
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
SEE? LOOK.
GOT EGG ALL OVER
MY FUCKING FACE, RIGHT?
JESUS.
AAH! I’LL KILL YOU!
[ ALL SHOUTING ]
JUST CALM DOWN.
FUCK OFF!
YOU ARE A DEAD MAN!
WHERE’S MY FUCKING MANAGER?!
[ SHOUTING CONTINUES ]
YOU’RE A DEAD MAN!
THE ONLY THING
A MANAGER IS FOR
IS STIRRING UP YOUR FLIES
ALL FOR A GOOD FUCKING WANK!
BARRY WHITE?!
I’LL GIVE YOU
BARRY FUCKING WHITE, YOU CUNT!
[ ALL SHOUTING ]
OI!
OI!
[ SHOUTING CONTINUES ]
NEVER TRY AND TEACH A PIG
TO SING…
BECAUSE YOU WASTE TIME
AND HE ANNOYS YOUR PIG.
OHH!
♪ DO RE MI SOL FA SOL DO ♪
AAAAAAAAAAAH!
POLICE BRUTALITY!
PBHT!
[ CHUCKLES ]
Officer: ROGER.
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
[ SIREN WAILING ]
[ WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY ]
[ WHISTLE BLOWS ]
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
[ GRUNTS ]
I KNOW.
WE ALL WANT
TO ESCAPE OURSELVES.
BUT STILL LEARN YOUR PLACE.
ACCEPT YOUR CRIPPLAGE.
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
HEY.
IT’S GOOD TO SEE YOU.
I THINK
I NEED A BIT OF SAVING.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
COMING AND GOING.
OI, OI!
OI, OI!
IAN, I, UM…
I NEED SOME TIME OFF.
YEAH, DON’T WE ALL?
YEAH, I-I NEED TO,
UM, GET AWAY,
YOU KNOW,
AND DO MY OWN STUFF.
DON’T BE A DOUGHNUT.
THERE’S PLENTY OF TIME
FOR ALL THAT WHEN YOU’VE
HAD A PROPER SHAVE.
I’M SERIOUS.
IS THERE BOOZE
AROUND HERE?
Strang:
AROUND THE CORNER.
[ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ]
[ SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE ]
SO, BAXTER…
I UNDERSTAND YOU FOUND IT
DIFFICULT TO FIT IN
AT OTHER SCHOOLS.
WELL…
OUR MOTTO HERE IS
“EX CORDE VITA” —
“OUT OF THE HEART
SPRINGS LIFE.”
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
BAXTER? BAXTER?
TELL ME, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE
TO ACHIEVE HERE?
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?
HMM?
BAXTER?
I’LL TELL YOU WHAT.
I’LL LEAVE YOU ALONE
FOR A MOMENT.
JUST HAVE A LITTLE THINK.
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]
♪ ARSEHOLES, BASTARDS,
FUCKING CUNTS, AND PRICKS ♪
♪ AEROSOL ♪
♪ THE BRICKS ♪
[ BELL RINGING ]
♪ A LAWLESS BRAT
FROM A COUNCIL FLAT, OH, OH ♪
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
[ SNORING SOFTLY ]
[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]
[ DISTORTED SOUNDS ]
COME ON, BAXTER.
THAT’S IT.
SIT UP, SON.
IT’S ALL RIGHT.
IT’S OKAY.
BIG, DEEP BREATHS.
[ BREATHING DEEPLY ]
BIG, DEEP BREATHS —
THAT’S A GOOD BOY.
COME ON, YOU CAN DO IT.
FILL YOUR LUNGS UP.
IN AND OUT.
IN AND OUT.
IN AND OUT.
IN AND OUT.
THAT’S IT.
THAT’S IT.
[ HEART BEATING ]
[ BEATING STOPS ]
I’M SORRY.
YOU’RE ALWAYS SAYING
YOU’RE SORRY.
AM I?
YEAH.
WELL, THAT’S ‘CAUSE…
THAT’S ‘CAUSE I AM.
OKAY.
YOU DON’T WANT TO BE
LIKE ME, BAXTER.
PLEASE DON’T TRY
TO BE LIKE ME.
YOU WANT TO BE LIKE YOU.
WE’RE ALL ON OUR OWN,
REMEMBER?
NO, DAD.
I’M HERE.
WHAT’S BEEN GOING ON?
JUST THE SAME, YOU KNOW?
HOW ARE YOU?
SOMETIMES
IT DOESN’T WORK OUT, OKAY?
SOMETIMES
YOU HAVE TO SAVE YOURSELF.
[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING ]
DID YOU HAVE
A NICE TIME, BAX?
HOW’S YOUR DAD?
[ SIGHS ]
“I’M FINE, MUMMY.
THANKS FOR ASKING.”
[ HORN HONKS ]
[ GLASS SHATTERS ]
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
MUM?
MUM!
MUM!
CHRIST ALMIGHTY.
LANGUAGE.
YOU LOOK TERRIBLE.
THANKS.
GRAPES.
I BLAME MYSELF.
FOR THE GRAPES?
[ CHUCKLES ]
FOR NOT BEING
PARTICULARLY FULL
OF, UH, JOIE DE VIVRE.
ALL THE COLORS HAVE GONE.
WANTED THE WORLD
TO GO AWAY, TOO.
IT ALMOST DID.
COUNT THE BLESSINGS
IN THE HERE AND NOW, EH?
[ SIGHS ]
I’M TIRED, IAN.
WILL YOU STAY?
OF COURSE I WILL.
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
OKAY, EVERYONE,
SO, THIS IS IAN.
HELLO.
IAN USED TO BE A STUDENT HERE
A FEW YEARS BACK.
AND, UH, EVERYONE’S VERY EXCITED
ABOUT YOU BEING HERE,
AREN’T WE?
WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
NICE TO BE HERE.
IAN, I THINK YOU SAID
IT’S OKAY IF PEOPLE
ASK YOU QUESTIONS.
YEAH. GO ON.
[ CHUCKLES ]
DON’T ALL RUSH AT ONCE.
OKAY, SO…
WHO’S GOING FIRST?
FINISHED?
IS THAT IT?
RIGHT.
WELL, I’M OFF, THEN.
I DON’T KNOW WHY
THEY’VE GONE SO QUIET NOW.
THEY WERE REALLY NOISY BEFORE.
UH, CORTEZ, YOU —
YOU WANTED TO TALK TO IAN.
UH-HUH.
HELLO.
HE SAYS “HELLO.”
OH, HELLO, MATE, HELLO.
HOW ARE YOU GOING?
WHATCHA BEEN UP TO?
[ Distorted ]
DID YOU ALWAYS
WANT TO BE A SINGER?
“DID YOU ALWAYS
WANT TO BE A SINGER?”
A SINGER.
UH, WELL, I DON’T REALLY
THINK OF MYSELF AS A SINGER,
AS IT HAPPENS.
I THINK OF MYSELF AS MORE OF
AN ENTERTAINER, REALLY.
YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS WANTED
TO GET UP ON A STAGE, YOU KNOW?
GIVE IT A LITTLE
OF THAT.
[ GRUNTS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER
I CAN GET AWAY WITH IT, REALLY,
‘CAUSE, UH…YOU KNOW,
I’M A BIT OF AN OLD CHAP.
[ CHUCKLES ]
ANYBODY ELSE?
Boy:
DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD?
WHAT’S THAT?
DO YOU BELIEVE
IN ALMIGHTY GOD…
WHO CREATED US
IN HIS IMAGE?
I BELIEVE IN GOOD…
WHICH, UH…
WHICH I-I-I THINK
IS THE SAME THING.
BUT DO YOU BELIEVE
IN GOD UP IN HEAVEN?
I-I USED TO.
BUT, UM…
BUT NOT ANYMORE.
WHY NOT?
‘CAUSE I-I-I THINK
THAT DOWN HERE ON EARTH,
I THINK THAT’S…
THAT’S WHERE YOU GOT
TO GET YOUR NUT TOGETHER.
TYPICAL.
DID YOU JUST SAY,
“TYPICAL”?
[ CHUCKLES ]
HE’S A CHEEKY LITTLE BUGGER,
ISN’T HE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU’RE GONNA HELP ME
WRITE A SONG, OKAY?
YOU’RE GONNA HELP ME
DO THE RHYTHM, RIGHT?
NOW, RHYTHM —
WHO’S TRICKY WITH RHYTHM, EH?
RHYTHM,
I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW,
IS THE LONGEST WORD
IN THE ENGLISH DICTIONARY
WITHOUT ANY VOWELS IN IT,
RIGHT?
AND IT’S VERY, VERY SPECIAL
BECAUSE YOU CAN FEEL IT
RIGHT HERE.
I-I’M GONNA GIVE YOU
A RHYTHM.
1, 2, 3, 4.
1, 2, 3, 4.
WAIT FOR IT.
1, 2, 3.
1, 2, 3.
1, 2, 3.
[ PERCUSSION INSTRUMENTS
PLAYING ]
RIGHT.
LOUDER, EVERYBODY, LOUDER.
LOUDER!
[ RHYTHM QUICKENS ]
LOUDER!
GO CRAZY!
GO CRAZY!
LOUDER!
AAAAAAH!
THAT WENT REALLY WELL.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I HAD A FIGHT
WITH A GUY CALLED JIMMY COGLIO
BEHIND THAT TREE.
[ Laughing ]
DID YOU REALLY?
DID YOU WIN?
NO. HE KNOCKED 7 TONS OF SHIT
OUT OF ME.
[ LAUGHS ]
THERE WAS, UM,
THERE WAS A-AN ORDERLY HERE
BY THE NAME OF HARGREAVES.
IS HE STILL GOING?
I’M SORRY, IAN.
IT WAS A WHILE AGO,
BUT, UH, MR. HARGREAVES
TOOK HIS OWN LIFE.
HE HANGED HIMSELF
UP IN ONE OF THE ATTICS.
IT WAS VERY SAD.
[ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ]
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
SEE YOU.
THANKS AGAIN.
I DON’T KNOW
WHO YOU ARE ANYMORE.
BUT DO YOU KNOW
WHAT I REALLY CAN’T TAKE?
IT’S THE HOPE…
THE HOPE
THAT IT’S GONNA GET BETTER.
IT’S NOT, IS IT?
[ SIGHS ]
EVERYTHING’S OUT OF JOINT.
I DON’T REALLY KNOW IF I’VE GOT
THE BOLLOCKS TO STOP IT.
YOU’VE GOT TO GET
OUT OF HERE, DENI.
RUN AWAY.
ALL BY YOURSELF.
YOU’LL STILL BE
MY GRACIOUS…
MY FAMILY.
AND IF YOU EVER
FORGET THAT…
AND ACT SORRY
FOR YOURSELF,
I’LL COME BACK,
AND I’LL BLEEDING RUN OVER YOU.
YOU UNDERSTAND?
HELLO. IT’S — IT’S GRAHAM
FROM THE SPASTICS SOCIETY.
WE SPOKE ON THE PHONE.
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATION ]
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
FULL PARTICIPATION
AND EQUALITY FOR ALL.
THAT’S THE MOTTO.
THIS, UH, UNITED NATIONS
YEAR OF THE DISABLED
IS A TREMENDOUS OPPORTUNITY,
YOU KNOW,
UH, TO MAKE PEOPLE
REALLY SIT UP AND — AND THINK.
OF COURSE, WE’RE GOING TO NEED
ALL THE HELP WE CAN GET.
SO…
WOULDN’T IT BE WONDERFUL IF
YOU COULD GET BACK ON TOP AGAIN?
MAYBE A NEW SONG,
MAYBE ANOTHER HIT SINGLE —
WHO KNOWS?
THE U.N. ARE VERY KEEN.
ARE THEY?
I UNDERSTAND
YOU’VE, UM…
YOU’VE BEEN DABBLING
IN A SPOT OF ACTING.
OH, YEAH, I PLAYED
A FEW VILLAINS IN ME TIME.
IT’S ALL I’VE GOT.
WELL,
H-HERE’S AN OPPORTUNITY
TO INTRODUCE YOURSELF
ALL OVER AGAIN,
YOU KNOW — A NEW —
A NEW FAN BASE, NEW BEGINNINGS.
OH, DEAR. YOUR — YOUR FRIEND
SEEMS TO HAVE GONE.
WELL, LOOK, YOU SEEM TO BE
IN A SPOT OF TROUBLE.
M-MAY I GIVE YOU A LIFT?
YEAH.
THAT’D BE GREAT.
IT’S REALLY, UH…
IT’S REALLY GREAT
TO HAVE YOU BACK.
PRODIGAL SON RETURNS.
TO BE A…
A GEEZER LIKE ME,
Y-YOU…
YOU GOT TO BE A BIT
OF A SELFISH LOONY, REALLY.
YOU CAN’T BOTHER
TOO MUCH ABOUT…
DAY AND NIGHT AND
RIGHT AND WRONG AND SO FORTH.
AND…OCCASIONALLY…
ONE, UH…
ONE’S BEHAVIOR…
MAKES ONE,
UH, ASHAMED OF ONESELF.
I’M GLAD TO HEAR IT.
ANYWAY…
UH, THIS YEAR
OF THE DISABLED —
I’VE GOT A CHANCE NOW
TO GET BACK ON TOP.
THE PROPER DEAL’S
GOING DOWN, SO…
SO, W-WHAT, UH…
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?
♪ WHEN TESSIE TRAVELS
ON PATROL ♪
♪ AND SUSIE SAID… ♪
[ SINGING INDISTINCTLY ]
[ RIMSHOT ]
PBHT!
IT’S NOT “SEX, DRUGS
& ROCK & ROLL,” IS IT?
[ GROANS ]
BOLLOCKS.
BOLLOCKS, BOLLOCKS, BOLLOCKS.
FUCKING YEAR OF DISABLED.
I MEAN, IT’S LIKE WHAT?
L-LIKE, LAST YEAR,
HE WAS FINE,
THE NEXT YEAR,
HE’S GONNA BE GREAT,
BUT THIS YEAR, JUST THIS YEAR,
AREN’T WE ALL GONNA BE A RIGHT
BUNCH OF FUCKING CRIPPLES,
AREN’T WE, EH?
WHY DON’T WE JUST FORM A BAND?
I KNOW, I KNOW.
WE CAN CALL OURSELVES
SPASTIC AND THE AUTISTICS.
OI, HEY!
YOU DRIVELING, WITHERING,
SCRIBBLING, CRIPPLING
LITTLE FUCKING HOBBLING,
WOBBLING, BOBBLING,
FANTASTIC SPASTIC!
[ LAUGHS ]
I LIKE IT.
Man on radio:
AND WELCOME BACK.
WE LIKE THE JAZZ,
DON’T WE?
AND SO,
TURNING TO OUR NEXT ITEM,
AND THAT’S
THE CONTINUING CONTROVERSY
SURROUNDING THE UNITED NATION’S
YEAR OF THE DISABLED.
WE’RE GONNA HEAR FROM IAN DURY,
THE HOUSEWIVES’
FAVORITE PUNK ROCKER,
THE MAN WHO PUT THE PHRASE
“SEX AND DRUGS
AND ROCK AND ROLL”
INTO THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
AND WHOSE NEW SONG
“SPASTICUS AUTISTICUS”
HAS BEEN LABELED
“OUTRAGEOUS AND OFFENSIVE.”
WE ALSO HAVE WITH US
GRAHAM HARR
FROM THE SPASTICS SOCIETY
TO TALK ABOUT
FULL PARTICIPATION
IN THE YEAR OF THE DISABLED.
HELLO, THERE.
SO, TURNING TO YOU FIRST,
IAN DRURY.
UH, FIRST OF ALL,
IT’S NOT “DRURY” OR
“DREARY” OR “DORY.”
IT’S “DURY.”
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
BUT I WOULD LIKE TO SAY
THAT, UH, YEAH,
I THINK WE SHOULD
ALL FULLY PARTICIPATE
IN HOLDING GRAHAM DOWN
AND, UH, AND CHOPPING OFF
HIS TINY LITTLE BOLLOCKS
FOR BEING A SPINELESS,
LITTLE SHIT.
RIGHT, IAN, THANK YOU.
I DON’T THINK THIS IS
THE TIME OR PLACE.
NO, IT’S NOT.
IT’S NOT THE TIME OR THE PLACE.
YOU’RE RIGHT.
NEVER IS, IS IT?
I’M TERRIBLY SORRY.
WILL YOU EXCUSE ME, PLEASE?
BANDIT.
N-NOBODY
HAS BANNED ANYTHING.
NO, YOU — YOU’RE A BANDIT,
YOU CHISELER.
BUT THEY DON’T BAN CRIPPLES
EITHER, DO THEY, EH?
THEY JUST MAKE IT DIFFICULT
FOR ‘EM TO FUNCTION.
THE SONG IS STILL BEING PLAYED
ON “CURRENT AFFAIRS” PROGRAMS.
OH, GREAT!
THAT’S GREAT!
LIKE, AT NIGHT
WHEN ALL THE RASPBERRIES
ARE TUCKED UP IN BED,
OH, NOT DOING ANY HARM
TO ANYBODY.
YES, WELL,
IT WAS FOUND OFFENSIVE.
HOW COULD I GO UP
TO SOMEBODY, RIGHT,
WHO’S GOT THE SAME DISABILITIES
AS ME AND BE OFFENSIVE?
NO, NOT DISABLED PEOPLE
SO MUCH, NO.
IT WASN’T WRITTEN FOR YOU,
WAS IT, EH, THE WALKIE-TALKIES?!
IT’S A WAR CRY.
I’M LIKE SPARTACUS.
YES, WELL,
IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY,
SPARTACUS WAS CRUCIFIED.
YEAH, I’LL BE IN GOOD COMPANY
THEN, WON’T I?
LOOK, IT WAS FELT
THAT WHAT YOU’VE WRITTEN
JUST ISN’T VERY SYMPATHETIC.
SYMPATHETIC?!
LIFE AIN’T SYMPATHETIC, RIGHT?
I — I’M NOT TINY TIM, RIGHT?
I AM IAN DURY.
PEOPLE LIKE ME
DO NOT WANT SYMPATHY.
THEY WANT RESPECT!
IT’S A WASTE.
PEOPLE FELT YOU HAD
THE OPPORTUNITY
TO DO SOMETHING REMARKABLE,
YOUR CROWNING GLORY
TO BE REMEMBERED
AFTER YOU’RE LONG GONE.
I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT!
I DON’T CARE
IF I WAS POPULAR
AS A CHINESE PIG
IN A SYNAGOGUE.
I AM NOT HERE TO BE REMEMBERED!
I’M HERE TO BE ALIVE!
SO YOU TAKE
YOUR DISUNITED NATIONS, RIGHT,
AND YOUR YEAR
OF DISSEMBLING
AND STICK IT RIGHT UP
YOUR FUCKING ARSE!
CUNT!
GET YOUR BODY STRONG,
GET YOUR GUARD UP.
IAN, I NEED A REST.
OH!
[ LIGHTER CLICKS ]
CLIVE AND I
WANT TO BE TOGETHER.
[ INHALES DEEPLY ]
YOU DON’T WANT TO RUSH
INTO THAT.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED
LAST TIME.
SOME BLOKES TURN OUT TO BE
AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE.
I WANT A DIVORCE, IAN.
BUT I STILL LOVE YOU.
IT’S NOT ABOUT LOVE,
SILLY.
IT’S NOT YOUR CHOICE.
LET ME GO.
GO, THEN.
YOU’RE FIRED.
DARLING.
GETTING BETTER.
[ CHUCKLES ]
YOU’RE NOT GONNA SHOUT AT ME
AGAIN, ARE YOU?
[ CLICKS ]
YOU ACTUALLY BEEN IN YET?
OH, EASY, TIGER.
HOW’S MUM?
SHE’S FINE.
SHE’S GONNA BE FINE.
LOOK, UH…
BAXTER…
I HAD TO LET STRANGLER GO…
‘CAUSE, UH…
THE DRUMS BACKSTAGE WERE GETTING
BETTER THAN THE ACTUAL SHOW.
SO I’M SORRY.
CLOSE YOUR EYES.
GO ON, CLOSE YOUR EYES.
CAN YOU FEEL THAT?
THAT’S MY HAND.
FROM NOW UNTIL FOREVER,
I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE…
JUST ABOVE YOUR SHOULDER.
ALL RIGHT?
I’LL TELL YOU WHAT,
THOUGH.
I-I’VE JUST BEEN OFFERED
A PART IN A FILM
TO PLAY
AN UNDERNOURISHED VILLAIN
WHO WINS IN THE END
THROUGH LOVE.
YOU COULD COME WITH.
BE MY ASSISTANT…
IF YOU LIKE.
DON’T YOU WANT TO
WATCH ME SWIM?
NAH, YOU’LL BE ALL RIGHT.
JUST REMEMBER,
KEEP YOUR HEAD UP…
KEEP KICKING…
TRY NOT TO DROWN.
WHEN A FREE MAN DIES,
HE LOSES THE PLEASURE OF LIFE.
A SLAVE LOSES HIS PAIN.
DEATH IS THE ONLY FREEDOM
A SLAVE KNOWS.
THAT’S WHY
HE’S NOT AFRAID OF IT.
THAT’S WHY WE’LL WIN.
[ UTENSILS CLATTERING ]
Hargreaves:
SIT PROPERLY.
EAT YOUR FISH.
NO!
IT’S HORRIBLE!
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
YOU DO AS YOU’RE TOLD.
I SAID
I AIN’T EATING THAT!
IT’S FUCKING HORRIBLE!
UNH!
AAH!
[ Chanting ]
IAN! IAN! IAN! IAN!
IAN! IAN! IAN! IAN! IAN! IAN!
[ SPITS ]
ONE, TWO, THREE!
♪ I’M SPASTICUS, SPASTICUS ♪
♪ I’M SPASTICUS AUTISTICUS ♪
♪ I’M SPASTICUS, SPASTICUS ♪
♪ SPASTICUS AUTISTICUS ♪
♪ I WIGGLE WHEN I PIDDLE ♪
♪ ‘CAUSE MY MIDDLE IS A RIDDLE ♪
♪ SWIM! ♪
♪ GET OFF, GET OFF,
GET OFF THAT DIVING BOARD! ♪
♪ WHOO! ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪ SO PLACE YOUR HARD-EARNED
PEANUTS IN MY TIN ♪
♪ AND THANK THE CREATOR
YOU’RE NOT IN THE STATE I’M IN ♪
♪ SO LONG HAVE I BEEN LANGUISHED
ON THE SHELF ♪
♪ I MUST GIVE ALL PROCEEDINGS
TO MYSELF ♪
♪ HA HA ♪
♪ I’M SPASTICUS, SPASTICUS ♪
♪ SPASTICUS AUTISTICUS ♪
♪ I’M SPASTICUS, SPASTICUS ♪
♪ SPASTICUS AUTISTICUS ♪
♪ 54 APPLIANCES
IN LEATHER AND ELASTIC ♪
♪ 100,000 THANK-YOUS
FROM 27 SPASTICS! ♪
♪ SPASTICUS,
SPASTICUS AUTISTICUS ♪
♪ I’M SPASTICUS, SPASTICUS ♪
♪ SPASTICUS AUTISTICUS ♪
♪ TWIDDLING, WIDDLING,
GRIDDLING, MIDDLING ♪
♪ FIDDLING, DIDDLING, WIDDLING ♪
♪ SPASTICUS ♪
I’M SPASTICUS!
I’M SPASTICUS!
I’M SPASTICUS!
DAD!
I’M SPASTICUS!
I’M SPASTICUS!
AAH!
I’M SPASTICUS!
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!
♪ SPASTICUS! ♪
[ SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ GASPS ]
[ GRUNTING ]
[ MUSIC INTENSIFIES ]
AND THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS…
DON’T GO LOOKING FOR MORALS
IN STORIES.
IF YOU WANT A MESSAGE,
FUCK OFF DOWN THE POST OFFICE.
[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]
SOMEONE ONCE ASKED ME
IF I’D MISSED ANYTHING.
WELL…
IF I’D NEVER HAD
A GOOD-LOOKING GIRL,
A GREAT JOB,
A GREAT HAIRCUT,
THEN I COULD COMPLAIN,
BUT THE ONLY THING I’VE
EVER MISSED IS A FEW BUSSES.
ONE LAST TIME, CHASINOVA.
♪ BLUE GENE BABY ♪
NOW, THERE ARE A COUPLE OF WAYS
TO AVOID DEATH.
AND ONE OF THEM
IS TO BE MAGNIFICENT.
AND THIS IS MY FAVORITE WAY.
♪ SKINNY WHITE SAILOR ♪
♪ THE CHANCES WERE SLENDER ♪
♪ THE BEAUTIES WERE BRIEF ♪
♪ SHALL I MOURN YOUR DECLINE
WITH SOME THUNDERBIRD WINE ♪
♪ AND A BLACK HANDKERCHIEF? ♪
♪ I MISS YOUR SAD ♪
♪ VIRGINIA WHISPER ♪
♪ I MISS THE VOICE ♪
♪ THAT CALLED MY HEART ♪
♪ SWEET ♪
♪ GENE ♪
♪ VINCENT ♪
♪ YOUNG ♪
♪ AND OLD ♪
♪ AND GONE ♪
[ SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪ WHY DON’T YOU GET
BACK INTO BED? ♪
♪ WHY DON’T YOU GET
BACK INTO BED? ♪
♪ WHY DON’T YOU GET
BACK INTO BED? ♪
♪ REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
PART 3 ♪
♪ SON OF BUDDY HOLLY,
THE WORKING FOLLY ♪
♪ GOOD GOLLY MISS MOLLY,
AND BOATS ♪
♪ HAMMERSMITH PALAIS,
THE BOLSHOI BALLET ♪
♪ JUMP BACK IN THE ALLEY,
AND NANNY GOATS ♪
♪ AGING LITTLE SCHOLARS,
THUMBING OUT MY CANDLES ♪
♪ ALL OTHER MAMMALS,
PLUS EQUAL VOTES ♪
♪ SEEING PICCADILLY,
FANNY SMITH AND WILLY ♪
♪ BEING RATHER SILLY,
AND PORRIDGE OATS ♪
♪ A BIT OF GRIN AND BEAR IT,
A BIT OF COME AND SHARE IT ♪
♪ YOU’RE WELCOME,
WE CAN SPARE IT, YELLOW SOCKS ♪
♪ TOO SHORT TO BE HAUGHTY,
TOO NUTTY TO BE NAUGHTY ♪
♪ GOING ON 40,
NO ELECTRIC SHOCKS ♪
♪ THE JUICE OF A CARROT,
THE SMILE OF A PARROT ♪
♪ A LITTLE DROP OF CLARET,
ANYTHING THAT ROCKS ♪
♪ ELVIS AND SCOTTY,
THE DAYS WHEN I AIN’T SPOTTY ♪
♪ SITTING ON A POTTY,
CURING SMALLPOX ♪
♪ REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
PART 3 ♪
♪ REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
PART 3 ♪
♪ REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
PART 3 ♪
♪ REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL ♪
♪ ONE, TWO, THREE! ♪
[ DRUM SOLO ]
♪ ONE, TWO, THREE ♪
♪ HEALTH SERVICE GLASSES,
GIGOLOS AND BRASSES ♪
♪ ROUND OR SKINNY BOTTOMS ♪
♪ TAKE YOUR MUM TO PARIS,
LIGHTING UP A CHALICE ♪
♪ WEE WILLY HARRIS ♪
♪ BANTU STEPHEN BIKO,
LISTING TO RICO ♪
♪ HARPO, GROUCHO, CHICO ♪
♪ CHEDDAR CHEESE AND PICKLE,
THE VINCENT MOTOR-SICKLE ♪
♪ SLAP AND TICKLE ♪
♪ WOODY ALLEN, DALI,
DIMITRI AND PASQUALE ♪
♪ BALA BALA BALA AND VOLARE ♪
♪ SOMETHING NICE TO STUDY,
PHONING UP A BUDDY ♪
♪ BEING IN MY NUDDY ♪
♪ SAYING “OKEYDOKEY,”
SING-ALONG A’ SMOKEY ♪
♪ COMING OUT OF CHOKEY ♪
♪ JOHN COLTRANE’S SOPRANO,
ADI CELENTANO ♪
♪ BONAR CELLEANO! ♪
♪ REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
PART 3 ♪
♪ REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
PART 3 ♪
♪ REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
PART 3 ♪
♪ REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL ♪
♪ ONE, TWO, THREE ♪
♪ ABOUT WHAT? ABOUT WHAT?
ABOUT WHAT? ABOUT WHAT? ♪
♪ ABOUT WHAT? ABOUT WHAT?
ABOUT WHAT? ABOUT WHAT? ♪
♪ ABOUT WHAT? ABOUT WHAT?
ABOUT WHAT? ABOUT WHAT?
ABOUT WHAT? ♪
♪ YES, YES, DEAR, DEAR,
PERHAPS NEXT YEAR ♪
♪ OR MAYBE EVEN NEVER ♪
♪ IN WHICH CASE ♪
[ SAXOPHONE SOLO ]
♪ REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
PART 3 ♪
♪ REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
PART 3 ♪
♪ REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
PART 3 ♪
♪ REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL,
ONE, TWO, THREE! ♪
♪ REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
PART 3 ♪
♪ REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
PART 3 ♪
♪ REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
PART 3 ♪
♪ REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL,
ONE, TWO, THREE! ♪
JOHNNY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ GUITAR SOLO ]
[ WHISTLE BLOWS ]
♪ REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL ♪
♪ ONE, TWO, THREE! ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
OI! OI! OI!
ONE, TWO, THREE!
[ SONG ENDS,
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
OI! OI!
OI! OI! OI! OI! OI! OI!
NOW FUCK OFF, ALL OF YOU!
YOU’RE FIRED!
AND GO AND BE MAGNIFICENT!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
— Captions by VITAC —
www.vitac.com
CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY
TRIBECA ENTERTAINMENT, LLC