Office Space

Office Space

[ Traffic Noises ]
♪ Uno, dos ♪
♪ Tres, cuatro ♪
♪ Ahh ♪♪
[ Grunts ]
♪♪ [ Car Stereo: Rap ]
♪ I got my pistol pawn cocked
ready to lay shots nonstop ♪
♪ Until I see
your monkey ass drop ♪
♪ And let your homies
know who done it ♪
♪ When it comes to this gangsta
shit, you motherfuckers
know who run it ♪
♪ We’re standing up
for our own shit ♪
♪ And if you put
this motherfucker
to the test ♪
♪ You gotta realize
somethin’, nigga ♪
[ Stereo: Volume Lowers ]
♪ You fuckin’
with the very best ♪
[ Stereo: Volume Increases ]
♪ I got this killa
up inside of me ♪
♪ I can’t talk to my mother
so I talk to my diary ♪♪
Mother shitter,
son of an ass–
You– I’ll just–
I was told– Have you–
I was told that if
I was late again, I would
be summarily dismissed.
[ Car Alarm Chirps ]
[ Grumbles ]
[ Electrical Crackle ]
[ Chattering ]
[ Woman ]
Corporate Accounts Payable.
Nina speaking.
Just a moment.
Corporate Accounts Payable.
Nina speaking.
Just a moment.
Corporate Accounts Payable.
Nina speaking.
Just a moment.
Corporate Accounts Payable.
Nina speaking.
Just a moment.
Corporate Accounts Payable.
Nina speaking.
Just a moment.
Corporate Accounts Payable.
Nina speaking.
Hello, Peter.
What’s happening?
Uh, we have sort of
a problem here.
Yeah, you apparently didn’t put
one of the new cover sheets
on your T.P.S. reports.
Oh, yeah.
I’m sorry about that.
I-I forgot.
Mm, yeah.
You see, we’re putting
the cover sheets on all T.P.S.
reports now before they go out.
Did you see the memo
about this?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
I have the memo right here.
I just, uh, forgot.
But it’s not shipping out
till tomorrow,
so there’s no problem.
Yeah.
If you could just go ahead
and make sure you do that from
now on, that would be great.
And, uh, I’ll go ahead
and make sure you get
another copy of that memo.
Mm-kay?
Bye-bye, Peter.
Yeah, no, I have the memo.
I’ve got it.
It’s right–
[ Lumbergh ]
Hello, Phil.
What’s happening?
Uh, I came by here
yesterday–
[ Man On Radio, Indistinct ]
– [ Mumbling ]
– Milton?
Hi. Uh, could you
turn that down
just a little bit?
Well, I-I was told
that I could listen
to the radio…
at a reasonable volume
from 9:00 to 11:00.
Yeah, no, no,
I know you’re allowed to.
I, uh–
I was just thinking
maybe like, you know,
a personal favor, you–
Well, I-I told Bill
that if-if Sandra’s going to
listen to her headphones…
while she’s–
while she’s filing, then
I should be able to listen…
to the radio
while I’m collating.
Uh-huh.
So, I don’t see why
I should have to turn
down the radio.
– Yeah, all right. Okay.
– Because I enjoy listening…
at a reasonable volume
from 9:00 to 11:00.
Thanks… Milton.
Hi, Peter.
What’s happening?
We need to talk
about your T.P.S. reports.
Yeah, the cover sheet.
I know. I know.
Uh, Bill talked to me
about it.
Yeah.
Did you get that memo?
Yeah, I got the memo.
And I understand the policy
and the problem is just that
I forgot the one time.
I’ve already taken care of it,
so it’s not really
a problem anymore.
Ah, yeah.
It’s just we’re putting
new cover sheets…
on all the T.P.S. reports
before they go out now.
So, if you could go ahead
and try to remember to do that
from now on, that’d be great.
All right!
[ Phone Ringing ]
[ Ring ]
Peter Gibbons.
Yeah. Peter?
Yes.
Did you get the memo
about the T.P.S. reports?
I have the memo.
[ Whirring, Beeping ]
No, not again.
Why does it say “paper jam”
when there is no paper jam?
I swear to God, one of
these days, I just kick this
piece of shit out the window.
You and me both, man.
The thing is lucky
I’m not armed.
– Piece of shit.
– Sam Ire–
Na– Na–
Na– Naga–
No. Please.
Uh-huh.
Michael…
– Bolton?
– That’s me.
Wow. Is that
your real name?
– Yeah. [ Clears Throat ]
– So, are you related
to that singer guy?
– No, it’s just a coincidence.
– Oh.
[ Mutters ]
Yeah, you fuckin’ cow.
No one in this country
can ever pronounce
my name right.
I-It’s not that hard–
Nagheenanajar.
Nagheenanajar.
Yeah, well,
at least your name
isn’t Michael Bolton.
You know,
there’s nothing wrong
with that name.
There was nothing
wrong with it, until
I was about 12 years old,
and that no-talent ass clown
became famous and started
winning Grammys.
Hmm. Why don’t–
Why don’t you just, uh,
go by Mike instead of Michael?
No way.
Why should I change?
He’s the one who sucks.
– Hey, guys.
– What’s up, G.
– Wanna go to Chotchkie’s,
get some coffee?
– Oh, it’s a little early.
I gotta get out of here.
I think I’m going to lose it.
Uh-oh. Sounds like
somebody’s got a case
of the Mondays.
[ Woman Chuckles ]
Boy, I tell you.
Some days.
One of these days
it’s just gonna be like–
[ Imitates Machine Gun ]
[ Imitates Machine Gun,
Laughs ]
So, can I get you gentlemen
something more to drink, or
maybe something to nibble on?
Some pizza shooters,
shrimp poppers
or extreme fajitas?
Just coffee.
Okay. Sounds like
a case of the Mondays.
[ Chuckles ]
What if we’re
still doing this
when we’re 50?
It would be nice
to have that kind
of job security.
Lumbergh’s gonna have me
work on Saturday.
I-I can tell already.
I’m gonna end up doing it
because, uh, because
I’m a big pussy.
Which is why I work
at Initech to begin with.
Yeah, well, I work at Initech,
and I don’t consider myself
a pussy. Okay?
Yes, I am also
not a pussy.
They’re gonna find out
the hard way I’m not a pussy…
if they don’t start treating
their software people better.
That’s right.
I don’t understand. I could
program a virus that would rip
that place off big time.
Yeah.
Big time.
– Whoa.
– There she is.
Peter, you know,
you always talk
about this girl.
If you’re so obsessed with her,
why don’t you just ask her out?
No, I can’t do that.
I’m just another
asshole customer.
You can’t just
walk up to a waitress
and ask her out.
Besides, I’m still
trying to work it out
with Anne.
Uh, that reminds me. I’m not
going to be able to play poker
with you guys on Friday.
– Why not?
– I’m gonna see this, uh,
occupational hypnotherapist
with Anne.
Dude, an occupational
hypnotherapist?
Yeah, I know.
Anne wants me to go.
She thinks it might help.
I’m–
You know,
sometimes I think I–
I get thinking
that she’s cheating on me.
– Yeah, I know what you mean.
– Yeah.
What is that
supposed to mean?
Nothing.
Look. Just tell Anne
that you’re not into hypnosis
and you wanna play poker.
No, I can’t do that.
She’ll get all pissed off.
And, besides, I think
the guy might actually
be able to help.
I mean, he did help
Anne lose weight.
Peter, she’s anorexic.
Yeah, I know.
The guy’s really good.
Yeah, well, I don’t think any
occupational hypnotherapist…
is gonna help you solve
any of your problems.
Okay? Hey,
and speaking of problems,
what’s this I hear
about you having problems
with your T.P.S. reports?
Yeah.
Didn’t you get that memo?
– Hey! Hey, guys! Peter!
– Is that Smykowski?
Samir!
[ Samir ]
What’s he doing?
Oh, probably working
on another heart attack.
I’ve been looking
all over for you guys.
Have you seen this?
I knew it. I knew it.
What? It’s a staff meeting.
So what?
So what?
We’re all screwed, that’s what.
They’re gonna downsize Initech.
What are you
talking about, Tom?
How do you know that?
How do I know? They’re
bringing in a consultant,
that’s how I know.
That’s what
this staff meeting
is all about.
It happened at Initrode
last year.
You have to interview
with this consultant. They
call them “efficiency experts.”
But what you’re really doing
is interviewing
for your own job.
[ Peter ] Every week you say
you’re going to lose your job,
and you’re still here.
[ Tom ] Not this time.
I bet I’m the first one
laid off.
The thought of having to go to
the state unemployment office,
to stand in line with scumbags!
Shit.
You know, there are people
in this world that don’t have
to put up with all this shit.
Like that guy
that invented the Pet Rock?
You see, that’s
what you have to do.
You have to use your mind…
and come up with
some really great idea
like that.
And you can make millions.
Never have to work again.
You think the Pet Rock
was a really great idea?
Sure it was.
The guy made
a million dollars.
You know, I had an idea
like that once,
a long time ago.
Really?
What was it, Tom?
Well, all right.
It was
a “jump to conclusions” mat.
You see,
it would be this mat…
that you would put
on the floor,
and it would have different
conclusions written on it…
that you could jump to.
That is the worst idea
I’ve ever heard
in my life, Tom.
Yes. Yes, it’s horrible,
this idea.
Uh, look,
I gotta get outta here.
I’ll see you guys later,
if I still
have a job.
Yeah.
Our high school
guidance counselor used to
ask us what you would do…
if you had
a million dollars,
didn’t have to work.
And, invariably,
whatever you’d say, that was
supposed to be your career.
If you wanted to fix old cars,
then you’re supposed
to be an auto mechanic.
– So what did you say?
– I never had an answer.
I guess that’s why
I’m working at Initech.
No. You’re working at Initech
’cause that question is bullshit
to begin with.
If everyone listened to her,
there’d be no janitors,
because no one
would clean shit up
if they had a million dollars.
If I had million dollars,
I would invest half of it
in low-risk mutual funds,
and then take the other half
of it to my friend Asadulah,
who works in securities–
Samir. Samir,
you’re missing the point.
The point of the exercise…
is that you’re supposed to
figure out what you would
want to do if–
[ Beeps ]
“P.C. load letter”?
What the fuck
does that mean?
What the–
[ TV On, Indistinct ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Man ]
Hey, Peter, man!
Check out channel 9!
Check out this chick!
Damn it, Lawrence.
Can’t you just pretend
like we can’t hear each
other through the wall?
Oh, sorry, man!
Anne over there
or somethin’?
No, but…
if you wanna talk to me,
just come over.
Hey, man,
check this out, dude.
[ Woman ]
The key is early detection.
Tumors that are detected–
Aw, geez, Lawrence.
I’m sorry, man. I thought
you’d want to see this.
Doesn’t that chick
look like Anne?
Yeah.
A little bit. I–
Hey, she hasn’t been
over here in a while.
You two still goin’ out?
Yeah. I guess.
I-I don’t know.
Sometimes I get the feeling
like she’s cheating on me.
Yeah. I get that feeling
too, man.
What do you mean
by that?
I don’t know, man.
I just get that feeling
lookin’ at her, like,
she’s the type of chick
that would just–
[ Groans ]
Oh, I’m sorry, man.
Look, I-I–
You know,
I’m talkin’ outta my ass.
I don’t know nothin’.
Forget it. Don’t worry.
It’s all right.
Just– I had a rough day.
Tell me about it, man.
[ Groans ]
I gotta wake my ass up
at 6:00 a.m.
every day this week,
drag up to Las Colindas.
Yeah. I’m doin’
the drywall up there
at the new McDonald’s.
Let me ask you something.
When you come in on Monday
and you’re not feelin’
real well,
does anyone ever say to you,
“Sounds like someone has
a case of the Mondays”?
No.
No, man.
Shit, no, man.
I believe you’d
get your ass kicked, sayin’
somethin’ like that, man.
Huh.
We still goin’ fishin’
this weekend?
Nah, Lumbergh’s gonna
have me come in on Saturday.
I just know it.
Well, you can get out
of that easily.
Yeah? How?
Well,
when a boss wants you
to work on a Saturday,
he generally asks you
at the end of the day, right?
Yeah.
So all you gotta do
is avoid him–
That’s all right. I got it–
on the last
few hours on Friday,
duck out early,
turn off your answering machine,
you should be home free, man.
That’s a really
good idea.
Fuckin’-A, man.
Lawrence, what would you do
if you had a million dollars?
I’ll tell you
what I’d do, man.
Two chicks at
the same time, man.
That’s it?
If you had a million dollars,
y-you’d do two chicks
at the same time?
Damn straight.
I’ve always wanted to
do that, man.
I think if I
were a millionaire,
I could hook that up too.
– ‘Cause chicks
dig dudes with money.
– Well, not all chicks.
Well, the type of chicks
that would double up
on a dude like me do.
Good point.
Well, what about you now?
– What would you do?
– Besides two chicks
at the same time?
– Well, yeah.
– Nothing.
Nothin’, huh?
I would relax.
I would sit
on my ass all day.
I would do nothing.
Well, you don’t need
a million dollars
to do nothin’, man.
Take a look at my cousin.
He’s broke, don’t do shit.
[ Nina’s Voice ]
Corporate Accounts Payable.
Nina speaking. Just a moment.
Corporate Accounts Payable.
Nina speaking.
Just a moment.
Corporate Accounts Payable.
Nina speaking.
Just a moment.
[ Lumbergh ]
So, you should ask yourself:
With every decision you make,
is this good for the company?
– Am I helping with–
– Is that the guy?
Yeah.
We’re screwed.
Okay, then, um–
I’d like to go ahead
and welcome, uh,
a new member to our team here.
This is, uh,
Bob Slydell.
Yeah. Uh–
Bob is a consultant.
Yeah. He’s gonna be
sort of, uh,
helping us out
a little here,
asking some questions,
maybe seeing
if there are some ways…
we can make things run
a little more smoothly
around here.
Yeah.
Oh, and remember,
next Friday
is Hawaiian shirt day.
So, you know,
if you want to,
go ahead and, uh,
wear a Hawaiian shirt
and jeans.
And I said I don’t care
if they lay me off, either.
Because I told Bill
that if they move my desk
one more time,
then I’m– I’m quitting–
I’m going to quit.
And I told Dom too,
because they’ve moved my desk
four times already this year.
And I used to be over
by the window…
and I could see the squirrels,
and they were married.
But then they switched
from the Swingline
to the Boston stapler.
But I kept my Swingline stapler
because it didn’t bind up
as much,
and I kept the staples
for the Swingline stapler.
Okay, Milton.
[ Milton On Phone ]
And, oh, no, it’s not okay,
because if they make me–
if they take my stapler,
then I’ll–I’ll have to–
I’ll set the building on fire.
Okay, well, that sounds,
uh, that sounds great.
Uh, I’ll talk to you
later, all right? Bye.
[ Milton Stammering ]
Oh.
Good-bye.
[ Clicking ]
Come on.
Oh, for cryin’–
Hello, Peter.
What’s happening?
Um…
I’m gonna need you…
to go ahead
and come in tomorrow.
So if you could
be here around…
9:00,
that would be great.
Mm-kay?
Oh, oh,
and I almost forgot.
Uh, I’m also gonna need you
to go ahead and come in…
on Sunday too, ‘kay?
We, um,
lost some people this week,
and, uh, we need
to sort of play catch-up.
Thanks.
[ Peter ] So I was sitting
in my cubicle today,
and I realized,
ever since
I started working, um,
every single day of my life
has been worse than…
the day before it.
So that means
that every single day
that you see me,
that’s on the worst day
of my life.
What about today?
Is today the worst day
of your life?
– Yeah.
– Wow. That’s messed up.
I’m sorry.
Go on.
Is there any way
that you could sort of…
just zonk me out so
that, like, I don’t know
that I’m at work… in here?
Could I come home and think
that I’ve been fishing all day,
or something?
That’s… really not
what I do, Peter.
[ Chuckles ]
However,
the good news is,
I think I can help you.
I want you to do something
for me, Peter.
I want you
to try and relax.
I want you to relax
every muscle in your body,
beginning with your toes
to your fingertips.
Now, I want you
to relax your legs.
You’re beginning to feel
your eyelids getting heavy…
as you slip deeper
and deeper…
into a state of
complete relaxation.
All your cares and concerns
are disappearing.
Deeper and deeper.
Way down.
Your concern
about your job…
melts away,
way, way down.
[ Grunts ]
Now, when I count
backwards from three,
you’ll be in a state
of complete relaxation.
Your worries, cares
and inhibitions will be gone,
and you will remain
in that state…
until I snap my fingers.
Three.
Deeper and deeper.
Way, way down.
Two.
Deeper and deeper.
W-W-Way down.
[ Labored Breathing ]
Whu– Whu– One.
[ Gasps ]
Oh, my God!
Doctor Swanson!
Ew! Ew!
[ Woman ]
Is he breathing?
Call 911!
Oh! Where’s the phone?
Where’s the goddamn phone?
[ Man ]
Hurry!
[ Anne ]
Peter!
Hurry!
[ Beeping ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Phone Rings ]
[ Answering Machine Beeps ]
[ On Answering Machine ]
Yeah, hi. It’s Bill Lumbergh.
It’s about… 10:00.
Yeah. Just, uh,
wondering where you are.
[ Rings, Beeps ]
Yeah. Hi.
It’s Bill Lumbergh again.
Uh, I just wanted to
make sure you knew…
that we did start at the,
uh, usual time this morning.
Yeah. It isn’t a half day
or anything like that.
So, if you
could just go ahead…
and get here
as soon as possible,
that would be terrific.
Yeah. Hi.
It’s Bill Lum–
– Yeah. It’s–
– Yeah. Hi.
It’s Bill Lumbergh–
Yeah. It’s me again.
Uh, I was away from
my desk for a minute.
[ Phone Rings ]
Just checking in, in case
you called while I was gone.
Hello?
[ Anne ]
Peter, what’s going on?
Huh?
It’s 3:30.
Why aren’t you at work?
Because I– I–
I didn’t feel like it.
[ Scoffs ]
Peter, what’s gotten
into you?
First, you just sit there
while Dr. Swanson dies.
Then you just walk out
of the car and embarrass me
in front of my friends.
Don’t blame this on hypnosis,
either. That’s total bull–
[ Beeps ]
[ Phone Rings,
Answering Machine Beeps ]
[ Anne ]
Listen, asshole.
Nobody hangs up on me.
We’re through.
Oh, and one more thing.
I’ve been cheating
on you!
[ Line Disconnects,
Beeps ]
So, from now on,
only use the new time sheets…
if you’ve worked on
two or more job codes
in one day,
and you need the extra
columns to fit it all in.
Otherwise,
use the old time sheets–
Where’s Peter?
I heard he didn’t
show up this weekend.
Uh, I don’t know.
I think this new system
will really, really help us out.
– Who the hell is that guy?
– So, uh, any questions?
Hi. I’m Peter.
Hi. Can I help you?
What are you doin’
for lunch today?
Uh, well, our specials today
are blackened chicken.
And– It’s actually
right there on the board.
Excuse me.
Hey, look who’s back!
Table for three to–
I was askin’ what you
were doin’ for lunch.
Would you like to
have lunch with me?
[ Scoffs ]
Are you–
Are you serious?
Yeah.
Yeah. Um, I don’t–
I don’t think
I’m supposed to do that.
Oh. Okay.
I’ll tell you what I’ll do.
I’m gonna go next door
and get a table.
And if you’d like
to join me, uh,
no big deal, all right?
And if not,
that’s cool too. Okay?
Okay.
All right.
When you say, “next door,”
do you mean Chili’s
or Flinger’s?
Flinger’s.
Okay.
What you do at Initech is,
you take the specifications
from the customers…
and you bring them down
to the software engineers.
Yes. Y–Yes.
That’s– That’s right.
Well, then
I just have to ask,
why couldn’t the customers
just take them directly
to the software people, huh?
Well, I’ll tell you why.
Uh, because…
engineers are not good
at dealing with customers.
Uh-huh.
So, you physically
take the specs
from the customer?
Well–
No. My secretary does that,
or they’re faxed.
Huh.
So then you must
physically bring them
to the software people.
Well… no.
I mean, sometimes.
What would you say
you do here?
Well, look,
I already told you.
I deal with
the goddamn customers
so the engineers don’t have to.
I have people skills.
I am good at
dealing with people!
Can’t you understand that?
What the hell is wrong
with you people?
I–
Let’s see.
You are Michael…
– Bolton?
– Yeah.
Is that
your real name?
Yeah.
Are you any relation
to the pop singer?
No, it’s–
it’s just a coincidence.
I’ll be honest with you.
I love his music. I do.
I’m a Michael Bolton fan.
Me too.
I don’t know if it gets
any better than when he sings
“When a Man Loves a Woman.”
But you must really
love his music, huh?
[ Men Chuckle ]
Yeah, he’s– he’s–
he’s pretty–
– He’s pretty good, I guess.
– You’re goddamn right, he is.
[ Men Laugh ]
Right.
So, tell me.
What’s your
favorite song of his?
Mmm–
[ Clears Throat ]
I don’t– I don’t know.
[ Chuckles ]
I mean, I guess I sort
of like them all.
That’s a riot.
I’m the exact same way.
But it must be twice as hard
for you, being having
the same name as him.
I celebrate the guy’s
entire catalog.
Anyway, let’s get down
to business, Michael.
You know, you can
just call me Mike.
– Hi.
– Hey.
I wonder if I’m allowed
to, uh, wear this in here.
I think it’ll be okay.
Would you like to sit down?
Okay.
[ Sighs ]
Wow! This place
is really… nice.
Yeah. Is it?
Yeah, my God,
compared to Chotchkie’s!
I like the uniforms
better, anyway.
I like yours.
Ugh!
– “We’re not in Kansas anymore.”
– [ Scoffs ]
Yeah, really.
[ Chuckles ]
It’s on your–
Ohh! Yeah. That’s–
That’s, uh–
That’s one of my–
my pieces of flair.
What’s a piece of flair?
Oh, it’s,
uh, where, you know,
like these suspenders…
and, uh, the buttons
are all sort of–
We’re actually
required to wear, um,
15 pieces of flair.
It’s really stupid,
actually.
Do you get to pick ’em
yourself?
Yeah, yeah, we do.
Although I didn’t
actually choose these.
I just sort of grabbed,
you know, 15 buttons
and just–
I don’t even know
what they say. You know,
I don’t really care.
I don’t really like
talking about my flair.
Okay.
So,
where do you, uh,
work, Peter?
Initech.
And, yeah, what–
what do you do there?
I sit in a cubicle,
and I update bank software
for the 2000 switch.
What’s that?
Well, see, they wrote
all this bank software,
and, uh, to save space,
they used two digits
for the date instead of four.
So, like,
98 instead of 1998.
Uh, so I go through these
thousands of lines of code
and, uh–
It doesn’t really matter.
I, uh, I don’t like my job,
and, uh,
I don’t think
I’m gonna go anymore.
You’re just
not going to go?
Yeah.
Won’t you get fired?
I don’t know.
But I really don’t like it
and, uh, I’m not gonna go.
What, so you’re
gonna quit?
Nuh-uh. Not really. Uh–
I’m just gonna stop going.
Uh, when did you
decide all of that?
About an hour ago.
Oh, really.
Yeah.
About an hour ago.
So you’re gonna
get another job?
I don’t think
I’d like another job.
Well, what are you
going to do about money
and bills and–
You know, I’ve never
really liked paying bills.
I don’t think I’m gonna
do that, either.
Uh, well, so what
do you wanna do?
I wanna take you
out to dinner,
and then I want to go
back to my apartment
and watch Kung Fu.
Do you ever watch Kung Fu?
I love Kung Fu.
Channel 39.
Totally.
You should come over
and watch Kung Fu tonight.
Okay.
Great.
Okay. Can we
order lunch first?
Yeah.
Okay.
[ Muttering ]
[ Indistinct Conversation ]
Not working out.
Took a stapler
off my desk–
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
[ All Laughing ]
Anyway, sounds great, Bob.
See you in a few.
Hi, Milton.
What’s happening?
I’m sorry?
Ah, I’m going to
have to ask you…
to go ahead
and move your desk again.
Eh– What? No.
So, if you could
go ahead…
and get it as far back
against that wall
as possible,
that would be great.
No, no, because I was–
I was told I no longer–
That way, we’ll
have some room…
for some of
these boxes and things
we need to put in here.
There’s no room.
And, uh–
Oh. Oh, there it is.
What?
Here, let me just go ahead
and get that from you.
– [ Moans ]
– Great.
[ Whimpering ]
So if you could
just get to that…
as soon as possible,
that would be terrific.
Mm-kay?
Thanks a bunch, Milton.
Good-bye.
But–
Well, okay, but…
I could set
the building on fire.
Peter.
Michael.
What’s going on, man?
I thought you were gonna
come in here and start shooting.
No. I just came
to get my address book.
I’m not gonna stay.
I got a phone number, Mike,
that I don’t wanna lose.
What?
Peter, you’re in deep shit.
You were supposed to
come in on Saturday.
What were you doing?
Michael, I did nothing.
I did absolutely nothing,
and it was everything
that I thought it could be.
I hope you have
a better story than that
for Lumbergh.
You’re supposed to be having
your interview right now
with the consultants.
The who?
The consultants.
What has gotten
into you?
Oh, yeah. Right.
Wait, Peter. Peter.
You gotta postpone it, man.
Tell ’em
you’ve been sick.
Make something up.
Oh, no way.
No, I feel great.
It’s the best day
of my life.
Next batter looks
like a Peter Gibbons.
Uh-huh.
Ah, there you are.
We were just talking about you.
You must be Peter Gibbons.
Uh-huh. Terrific.
I’m Bob Slydell. This is
my associate Bob Porter.
Oh, hi, Bob. Bob.
Why don’t you
go ahead and grab a seat
and join us for a minute or two.
You see, what we’re
actually trying to do here
is we’re just–
We’re trying to get a feel
for how people spend
their day at work.
So, if you would,
would you walk us through
a typical day for you?
Yeah.
Great.
Well, I generally come in
at least 15 minutes late.
Uh, I use
the side door.
That way Lumbergh
can’t see me.
And, uh,
and after that,
I just sort of space out
for about an hour.
Uh, “space out”?
Yeah.
I just stare at my desk,
but it looks like I’m working.
I do that for, uh,
probably another hour
after lunch too.
I’d say in a given week,
I probably only do
about 15 minutes…
of real, actual work.
Uh, Peter, would you
be a good sport…
and indulge us and just…
tell us a little more?
Oh, yeah.
Let me tell you something
about T.P.S. reports.
[ Chuckles ]
The thing is, Bob,
it’s not that I’m lazy.
It’s that I just don’t care.
Don’t– Don’t care?
It’s a problem
of motivation, all right?
Now, if I work my ass off
and Initech ships
a few extra units,
I don’t see another dime,
so where’s the motivation?
And here’s
something else, Bob.
I have eight different
bosses right now.
I beg your pardon?
Eight?
Eight bosses. Eight, Bob.
So that means that
when I make a mistake,
I have eight different
people coming by
to tell me about it.
My only real motivation
is not to be hassled.
That and the fear
of losing my job.
But you know, Bob, that’ll
only make someone work just
hard enough not to get fired.
Would you bear with me
for just a second, please?
Okay.
What if–
and believe me,
this is so hypothetical–
but what if you were offered
some kind of a stock option,
equity-sharing program?
Would that do
anything for you?
I don’t know. I guess.
Listen, I’m gonna go.
Uh, it’s been really nice
talking to both of you guys.
Absolutely.
The pleasure’s all on this
side of the table, trust me.
Good luck with your layoffs,
all right? I hope your firings
go really well.
Okay.
Great. Wow.
Thanks a lot.
So, Peter,
what’s happening?
Listen, uh–
Joanna, would you come here
a minute, please?
Yeah.
I’m sorry I was late,
but I was having lunch
and I, uh–
We need to talk
about your flair.
Really?
I-I have 15 pieces on.
I also–
Well, 15 is
the minimum, okay?
Oh. Okay.
Now, you know,
it’s up to you
whether or not…
you wanna just do
the bare minimum or, uh–
Well, like Brian,
for example, has 37 pieces
of flair on today.
And a terrific smile.
Okay, so you want me
to wear more?
– Look, Joanna–
– Yeah?
People can get
a cheeseburger
anywhere, okay?
They come to Chotchkie’s
for the atmosphere
and the attitude.
Okay? That’s what
the flair’s about.
It’s about fun.
Yeah.
Okay, so more then, yeah?
Look, we want you
to express yourself.
Okay?
Now, if you feel
that the bare minimum
is enough, then okay.
But some people
choose to wear more
and we encourage that. Okay?
You do wanna
express yourself,
don’t you?
– Y-Yeah.
– Okay, great, great.
That’s all I ask.
Okay.
Right,
so there’s three more people
we can easily lose.
And then there’s
Tom Smykowski.
He’s useless.
Gone.
Sounds good to me.
Here’s a peculiar–
Uh, Milton Waddams.
Who’s he?
You know,
squirrely-looking guy.
Mumbles a lot.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we– we can’t
actually find a record of him
being a current employee here.
I looked into it more deeply,
and I found that
apparently what happened…
is that he was laid off
five years ago, and no one
ever told him about it.
But through some kind of glitch
in the payroll department,
he still gets a paycheck.
So we just went ahead
and fixed the glitch.
Great.
So, uh, Milton
has been let go.
Well, just a second there,
professor.
We, uh,
we fixed the glitch,
so he won’t be receiving
a paycheck anymore,
so it’ll just work
itself out naturally.
We always like
to avoid confrontation
whenever possible.
The problem is solved
from your end.
Um, I’d like to
move us right along
to a Peter Gibbons.
Now, we had a chance
to meet this young man,
and, boy, that’s
just a straight shooter…
with upper management
written all over him.
[ Inhales ]
Ooh.
Yeah. Um–
I’m going to have
to go ahead and sort of
disagree with you there.
Yeah, uh, he’s been
real flaky lately,
and I’m just not sure that
he’s the caliber person…
that we would want
for upper management.
He’s also been
having some problems
with his T.P.S. reports.
I’ll handle this.
We feel…
that the problem
isn’t with Peter.
Mm-mmm.
It’s that you haven’t
challenged him enough
to get him really motivated.
There it is.
Yeah, uh, well,
I’m just not sure
about that right now.
Yeah, Bill, let me ask you
a real quick question here.
How much time would you
say you spend each week…
dealing with
these T.P.S. reports?
Yeah.
♪ Damn, it feels good
to be a gangsta ♪
♪ Damn, it feels good
to be a gangsta ♪
♪ A real gangsta-ass nigga
plays his cards right ♪
♪ A real gangsta-ass nigga
never runs his mouth ♪
♪ ‘Cause real
gangsta-ass niggas
don’t start fights ♪
♪ And niggas always
gotta high cap ♪
♪ Showin’ all his boys
how he shot ’em ♪
♪ But real gangsta-ass niggas
don’t flex much ♪
♪ ‘Cause real
gangsta-ass niggas
know they got ’em ♪
♪ And everything’s cool
in the mind of a gangsta ♪
♪ ‘Cause gangsta-ass niggas
think deep ♪
♪ Up 365 a year, 24-7 ♪
[ Indistinct ]
♪ Real gangsta-ass niggas
don’t sleep ♪
♪ And all I gotta say
to you wannabe, gonna-be ♪
♪ Cootchie-eatin’,
jealous-heart pranksters ♪
♪ Is when the shit jumps up
what you gon’ do ♪
♪ Damn, it feels good
to be a gangsta ♪
[ Lawrence ]
Hey, Peter, man!
Check out channel 9.
It’s the breast exams.
Whoa!
♪ Damn, it feels good
to be a gangsta ♪
Hi, Peter.
♪ Feedin’ the poor and
helpin’ out with their bills ♪
Hi, Dom.
♪ Although I was born
in Jamaica ♪
♪ Now I’m in the U.S.
making deals ♪
♪ Damn, it feels good
to be a gangsta ♪
♪ I mean, one that
you don’t really know ♪
♪ Riding around town
in a drop-top Benz ♪
♪ Hittin’ switches
in my black six-four ♪
♪ Now gangsta-ass niggas
come in all shapes
and colors ♪
♪ Some got killed
in the past ♪
Time for you to leave.
♪ But this gangsta here
was a smart one ♪
♪ Started living for
the lord and I’ll last ♪
♪ Now all I gotta say to you
wannabe, gonna-be ♪
♪ Crumb-snatchin’,
cootchie-eatin’ pranksters ♪
♪ When the grim reaper steps up
what the hell you gonna do ♪
♪ Damn, it feels good
to be a gangsta ♪♪
So, Peter,
what’s happening?
Uh, now, are you
going to go ahead…
and have
those T.P.S. reports
for us this afternoon?
No.
Ah, yeah.
So I guess we should
probably go ahead
and have a little talk, hmm?
Not right now, Lumbergh.
I’m– I’m kinda busy.
In fact, I’m going to have
to ask you to go ahead
and just come back another time.
I got a meeting
with the Bobs
in a couple minutes.
Uh, I wasn’t aware of
a meeting with them.
Yeah, they called me
at home.
That sounds good,
Peter.
And, uh, we’ll go ahead
and get this
all fixed up for you.
Great.
[ Muttering ]
Hi, Milton.
What’s happening?
I was– I-I–
I didn’t receive
my paycheck this week.
Uh, you’re going
to have to talk
to Payroll about that.
I did and they said–
Milt, we’re going to need
to go ahead and move you
downstairs into storage “B.”
No, I-I was told I could not–
We have some new
people coming in,
No. There’s–
and we need all
the space we can get.
But there’s no space–
So if you could
just go ahead…
and pack up your stuff,
and move it down there,
[ Stammering ]
that would be
terrific– mm-kay?
I was told I could stay—
Excuse me.
I believe you have
my stapler, please. Mmm.
Looks like
you’ve been missing
a lot of work lately.
I wouldn’t say I’ve
been missing it, Bob.
[ Laughing ]
Good one.
Oh, that’s terrific, Peter.
I-I’m sure you’ve– you’ve
heard some of the rumors…
circulating around the hallways
about how we’re going
to be doing…
a little “housecleaning” with
some of the software people.
Well, Bob, I have heard that,
and you gotta do
what you gotta do.
We’re gonna be getting rid
of these people here.
First, Mr. Samir Naga–
He– He–
Naga–
Naga— Not gonna
work here anymore anyway.
[ Laughing ]
And Mr. Mike Bolton.
Nobody’s gonna miss him.
You’re gonna layoff
Samir and Michael?
Ah, yeah,
we’re gonna bring in
some entry-level graduates.
Farm some work
out to Singapore.
That’s the usual deal.
It’s standard operating
procedure.
Do they know this yet?
No.
No, of course not.
We find it’s always
better to fire people
on a Friday.
Studies have statistically
shown that there’s less
chance of an incident…
if you do it
at the end of the week.
Peter, what we’d like to do
is put you into position…
to have as many as four people
working right underneath you.
– This is a big promotion, Pete.
– It’s huge.
So you’re going to fire
Michael and Samir and you’re
going to give me more money?
– Hmm?
– Wow!
Hmm. Yeah.
That’s it.
That’s exactly
what I need.
Uh-huh. Give it to me.
Come on, you little fucker.
Let’s go. That’s what I need.
Let’s do that.
Let’s do exactly that,
you little fuck–
Michael.
Hey.
Listen to me.
What are you doing tonight?
Michael, there comes
a point in a man’s life,
and maybe that time
for you is now,
when it doesn’t hurt
to start thinking
about the future.
Uh, no offense there, Peter,
but speak for yourself
there, sport.
I’m not the one who’s been
flakin’ out at work.
I know you had this
religious experience
or whatever the hell that was,
but you’d better snap out of it
and get your shit together,
or you’re gonna get canned.
Yeah, and, uh, and I–
Listen.
That virus you’re always
talking about, right?
The one that could
rip off the company
for a bunch of money.
– Yeah, what about it?
– Well, how does it work?
It’s pretty brilliant.
What it does is, every time
there’s a bank transaction
where interest is computed,
you know, thousands a day,
the computer ends up…
with these fractions of a cent,
which it usually rounds off.
What this does is, it takes
those little remainders
and puts it into an account.
This sounds familiar.
Yeah, they did it
in Superman III.
Right, uh–
An underrated movie,
actually.
And a bunch of hackers
did it in the ’70s as well.
One of them got busted.
Well, so they check
for this now.
No, here’s the thing.
Initech’s so backed up
with all the software we’re
updating for the year 2000,
they’d never notice.
You’re right.
And even if they wanted to,
they couldn’t
check all that code.
Thumbs up their asses.
Thumbs up their asses.
So, Michael,
what’s to stop you
from doing this?
It’s not worth the risk.
I got a good job.
What if you didn’t have
a good job?
Cock-gobblers!
Samir and I are
the best programmers
they got at that place.
And you, you haven’t
been showin’ up, and you
get to keep your job.
Actually,
I’m being promoted.
What?
I know, Michael.
It’s completely unfair.
And I realized
something today.
It’s not just about me
and my dream of doing nothing.
It’s about
all of us together.
I don’t know what happened
to me at that hypnotherapist,
and, I don’t know,
maybe it was just shock
and it’s wearing off now,
but when I saw that fat man
keel over and die–
Michael, we don’t have
a lot of time on this earth.
We weren’t meant
to spend it this way.
Human beings were not meant
to sit in little cubicles,
staring at
computer screens all day,
filling out useless forms…
and listening to
eight different bosses drone on
about mission statements.
I told those fudge-packers
I liked Michael Bolton’s music.
Oh. That is not right,
Michael.
For five years now,
you’ve worked your ass off
at Initech,
hoping for a promotion or
some kind of profit-sharing
or something.
Five years
of your mid-20s now gone.
And you’re gonna go in tomorrow,
they’re gonna throw you
out on the street.
You know why?
So that Bill Lumbergh’s stock
will go up a quarter of a point.
Ugh.
Michael, let’s make
that stock go down,
and let’s take enough money
out of that place…
so that we never ever have to
sit in a cubicle ever again.
Your software works, right?
Of course it works.
That’s not the point.
Look, even if I wanted to,
I wouldn’t know how
to install it.
I don’t know
the credit union’s software
well enough. Okay?
Yeah.
But Samir does.
But, Peter,
that’s not much money.
That’s the beauty of it.
Each withdrawal,
that’s a fraction of a cent.
That’s too small to notice.
But a few thousand withdrawals
a day, you space it out
over a couple of years,
that’s a few hundred
thousand dollars.
– It’s like Superman III.
– Superman III– What–
Look, I have to leave now.
I have to get
my résumé ready.
Get your résumé ready? For what?
For another job where they can
just fire you for no reason?
That’s right!
If I’m lucky!
I don’t know about you guys,
but I’m tired of being
pushed around. Aren’t you?
Yes, Peter!
But I’m not going
to do anything illegal.
Illegal?
Samir, this is America!
Come on.
Sit down.
Come on.
This isn’t Riyadh.
They’re not gonna
saw your hands off here,
all right?
The worst they would ever do is,
they would put you,
for a couple of months,
into a white-collar,
minimum-security resort.
Shit,
we should be so lucky!
Do you know they have
conjugal visits there?
Really?
Yes.
[ Michael ]
Shit.
I’m a free man, I haven’t
had a conjugal visit
in six months.
– So, what do you think?
– This thing is actually
pretty fail-safe, Samir.
Samir…
you came here looking for
a land of opportunity,
and this is the knock
of that opportunity.
Tomorrow’s your last day
at Initech.
You have two options:
unemployment
or early retirement.
What’s it gonna be?
I have a question.
Yes?
In– In these conjugal visits,
you can have sex with women?
Yep. You sure can.
Okay, I’ll do it.
– That’s what I’m talking about
when I talk about Amer–
– Peter?
– How about we discuss the plan?
– Okay, yeah. Good. Right.
It works
like a computer virus.
All we have to do is load it
into the credit union mainframe,
and it’ll do the rest.
Okay. You guys get me that disk,
and I’ll take care of it
from there.
But listen,
before we go any further,
we have to swear
to God, Allah…
that nobody knows
about this but us.
All right?
No family members,
no girlfriends, nobody.
Of course.
Agreed.
[ Lawrence ]
Don’t worry, man!
I won’t tell anyone either!
What the fuck is that?
No, don’t worry about him.
He’s cool. All right.
Here’s how I see it
all going down.
Peter, congratulations.
This is one heck
of a promotion.
Thank you, Bob.
We’ll get some people
under you right away.
♪♪ [ Hip-hop ]
♪♪ [ Rapper Chuckles ]
[ Man ]
♪ It makes me wanna creep ♪
♪ I got somethin’ for your mind
your body and your soul ♪
♪ I got somethin’ for your mind
your body and your soul ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Damn, I’m such a “G”
It’s pathetic ♪
♪ Here comes
the big-headed nigga
that’s dippin’ ♪
♪ Sippin’ on Courvoisier ♪
♪ Goddamn
I must have to floss today ♪
♪ Now, pimpin’ ain’t easy
but it’s necessary ♪
♪ So I’m chasin’ bitches
like Tom chased Jerry ♪
♪ I put the pedal
to the “flo-ah” ♪
♪ In my two-toned
Ford Explorer ♪
♪ You know how it’s done ♪
♪ Sounds bumpin’
Ain’t that somethin’ ♪
♪ Jumped on the 110 ♪
♪ She’s flyin’ in the Blazer ♪
– [ Voice Slowed Down ]
Hey, how’s it goin’?
– ♪ Like “Go, Speed Racer” ♪
♪ But I ain’t gon’ chase her
like Racer “X” ♪
♪ But I won’t flex
till it’s time to have sex ♪
♪ So when you wanna
get together ♪
♪ ‘Cause you know
a nigga like me ♪
♪ Is down for whatever ♪
[ Cell Door Slams ]
♪ Damn ♪
[ Skipping ]
♪ Ye-e-e-e-a-a-a-h ♪
♪ Ye-e-e-e-a-a-a-h ♪♪
– Well, that was easy.
– Yeah, I guess it was.
– What’d you do with the c–
– Hey, man.
Oh, hey, Drew.
– You guys hear
about Tom Smykowski?
– What, that he got laid off?
No, man.
Check it out.
[ Drew ] Last week,
right after he found out
he was getting laid off,
he goes home and tries
to kill himself by running
the car in the garage.
[ Peter ]
Is he dead?
[ Drew ] No, man. Check it out.
That wife of his
comes home early from work
and catches him.
[ Coughs ]
So he tries to play it off
like nothing happened.
I was [ Coughs ]
having some trouble
with the shifter here.
It’s jammed,
and I couldn’t
get it into drive.
– I-I-I mean, reverse.
– You okay, Tom?
[ Drew ]
Then, as he’s looking at her,
Yeah.
– he decides he wants to live.
[ Snickers ]
– Yeah, I think I’m okay.
– Right.
– Seems to be working now.
[ Chuckling ]
See ya later, honey!
Love ya!
[ Drew ]
But then, as soon as
he backs out of his driveway–
Bam! He gets slammed big-time
by a drunk driver!
Is he okay?
Sort of.
He broke
both his wrists, legs,
couple of ribs, his back.
But he’s gonna get a huge
settlement out of this,
like, seven figures.
He’s getting out
of the hospital tomorrow.
He’s gonna throw a party
this weekend to celebrate.
We’re all invited.
I’m thinkin’
I might take that new chick
from Logistics.
Things go well,
I might be showin’ her
my “O” face.
“Oh! Oh! Oh!”
You know what
I’m talkin’ about.
“Oh!”
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah. Right.
See you guys there.
Wow. Our last day
at Initech.
I can’t believe
they had Security
escort us out.
Like we’re going to
steal something.
– I stole something.
– Oh, yeah. Guess we all did.
No, I stole something else.
What did you steal?
Call it a going-away present.
♪♪ [ Hip-hop ]
[ Male Rapper ]
♪ Kill ♪
♪ Kill ♪
♪ Back up in yo’ ass
with the resurrection ♪
♪ Is the group
harder than an erection
that shows more affection ♪
♪ They wanna ban us
on Capitol Hill ♪
♪ ‘Cause it’s die, motherfuckers
Die, motherfuckers, still ♪
♪ Still ♪
♪ All along it was the ghetto
Nothin’ but the ghetto ♪
♪ Takin’ short steps
One foot at a time ♪
♪ And kept my head low
and never let go ♪
♪ ‘Cause if I let go
then I’d be spineless ♪
♪ I’m goin’ insane ♪
♪ I think my mind just
goes out of control ♪
♪ You judge on subjects
motherfuckers read about ♪
♪ I touch on the shit
that they be leavin’ out ♪
♪ I seen this motherfucker’s
.9 smokin’, I seen it ♪
♪ I bet you motherfuckers
will too ♪
♪ Because it’s
die, motherfuckers ♪
♪ Die, motherfuckers
still, fool ♪
♪ Die, motherfuckers ♪
♪ Die, motherfuckers
still ♪
♪ Die, motherfuckers ♪
♪ Die, motherfuckers
still ♪
♪ Kill ♪
♪ Die, motherfuckers
Die, motherfuckers, still ♪
♪ I-I– I-I– I think it’s
somethin’ in the water, man ♪
♪ I-It’s gotta be
in the water ♪
♪ Oh, fuck ♪
♪ Chuck’s on
a killin’ spree again ♪
♪ We guillotine for men ♪
♪ I walk around town
with a frown on my face ♪
♪ Fuck the whole world
fixin’ to catch
a murder case ♪
♪ Gonna murder and rape ♪
♪ May get greasy if you
caught up in the world
while it’s dyin’ ♪
[ Continues On Stereo ]
♪ I guarantee you fryin’
You dyin’ ♪
♪ On the verge of
knockin’ motherfuckers down
for no reason ♪
♪ Once I get down
there’ll be no breathin’ ♪♪
[ Fades ]
[ Michael ]
Who’s got my keys?
I’m driving. Not you.
Everything is gonna be okay.
All right?
Peter– Peter–
Okay? It’s fun,
and it’s exciting.
Be serious.
I gotta go.
All right?
Joanna’s coming over.
All right? Don’t worry.
You’re worrying.
All right?
Monday morning we’re gonna
check the account balance.
Everything’ll be okay.
Don’t miss Tom’s barbecue.
I’ll see you there.
All right?
Good night.
♪ Back up in your ass
with the resurrection ♪
Hey, what were you guys
celebrating last night?
Uh… I’m not really
at liberty
to talk about it.
I really can’t.
All right,
so when the subroutine
compounds the interest,
it uses all these
extra decimal places
that just get rounded off.
So we simplified
the whole thing…
and we just–
we round ’em all down
and drop the remainder…
into an account
that we opened.
So, you’re stealing.
Uh, no.
You don’t understand.
It’s, uh–
It’s very complicated.
It’s, uh– It’s aggregate,
so I’m talking about
fractions of a penny here.
And, uh, over time
they add up to a lot.
Oh, okay.
So, you’re gonna make
a lot of money, right?
Yeah.
Right?
That’s not yours?
– Uh, well, it becomes ours.
– How is that not stealing?
I don’t think, uh–
I don’t think that I’m
explaining this very well.
Um,
the 7-Eleven, right?
Mm-hmm.
You’d take a penny
from the tray.
From the crippled children?
No, that’s the jar.
I’m talking about the tray.
The– You know,
the pennies for everybody.
Oh. For everybod–
Okay.
Yeah, well,
those are whole pennies.
All right?
I’m just talking about
fractions of a penny here.
But we do it
from a much bigger tray
a couple of million times.
So what’s wrong
with that?
I don’t know.
It just seems wrong.
It’s not wrong.
Initech is wrong.
Initech is an evil corporation.
Chotchkie’s is wrong.
Doesn’t it bother you that you
have to get up in the morning
and put on pieces of flair?
Yeah, but I’m not about to
go in and start taking money
from the register.
Well, maybe you should.
You know, the Nazis
had pieces of flair
that they made the Jews wear.
What?
Look, we don’t– I-I–
We don’t have to
talk about this now.
Let’s just go
to the barbecue.
Okay.
Michael! Samir!
How you doin’?
Hey, Tom.
Hello, Tom.
I’d like you to meet
my lawyer, Rob Newhouse.
Rob,
Michael, Samir.
How you doing?
Peter! How are you?
I’m glad you could make it.
Tom, hi. This is somebody
I’d like you to meet.
– This is Joanna.
– Hi. Forgive me
for not getting up.
– [ Laughing ]
– [ Laughing ]
[ Groaning ]
Uh– Uh, Peter,
come here a minute.
I wanna show you something.
Well, what do you think?
It’s a prototype.
[ Peter ]
Huh! That’s exactly
as you described it.
[ Chuckles ]
Uh, listen,
I heard about your settlement.
Congratulations.
Well, thanks, Peter.
You know, I’m glad you’re here
because I wanted to talk to you.
I know how you get depressed
about your job and all.
I just wanted you to know
that I know how you feel.
I used to be the same way.
Really?
Sure!
Maybe I didn’t whine as much,
but I bet I hated my job
even more than you.
And I’ve been doing it
for over 30 years.
– Wow.
– Just remember.
If you hang in there
long enough,
good things can happen
in this world.
I mean, look at me.
[ Chuckling ]
Thanks, Tom.
Oh, sure.
[ Chattering ]
Conjugal visits?
Not that I know of.
A minimum-security prison
is no picnic.
I have a client
in there right now.
He says, the trick is,
kick someone’s ass
the first day,
or become
someone’s bitch.
Then everything’ll
be all right.
Why do you ask,
anyway?
Oh, no, we were just–
Sorry. Sorry.
[ Nervous Chuckle ]
Hey, Peter.
Drew.
That’s somethin’
about ol’ Smykowski, huh?
Yeah.
Lucky bastard.
Hey, isn’t that the girl
that works over at Chotchkie’s?
Yeah.
Who’s she here with?
She’s with me.
Really?
Yeah.
All right, Peter.
Ooh! Ooh!
Right on.
[ Chuckling ]
Make sure you wear
a rubber, dude.
Why is that, Drew?
Are you kidding me?
She gets around.
[ Chuckles ]
All right?
She does, does she?
Oh, yeah, like a record.
[ Laughs ]
Like, with who?
Oh, let’s see, uh–
[ Scoffs ]
Hell, Lumbergh fucked her.
[ Snickering ]
Let me see who else.
Uh, Dick Rennie…
Lumbergh?
Eric Louis–
So, what if– Oh.
What if you get caught?
I just don’t know
if this was such a good idea.
Yeah, well, maybe it wasn’t
such a good idea for you
to sleep with Lumbergh.
What? What are you–
Oh, right. Lumbergh.
Aah!
Oh… God.
Lumbergh.
Peter,
what is wrong with you?
That was, like, two years ago.
What, did you know him?
Yeah, I know him.
I know him. He’s my boss.
He’s my unholy,
disgusting pig of a boss!
Oh, he’s not that disgusting.
He represents all
that is soulless and wrong!
– And you slept with him.
– Hey!
That is none of your business.
Okay?
I didn’t ask you
who you slept with
before we were together.
I don’t care.
Well, I didn’t think you slept
with guys like Lumbergh!
Listen to you.
Who do you think you are?
How dare you judge me.
I mean, what are you?
Some kind of angel here?
No, you’re just
this penny-stealing,
wannabe criminal… m-man.
Yeah, well, that may be,
but at least
I never slept with Lumbergh.
Okay, that’s– I’m done.
I wanna get out of the car.
Fine.
Stop!
Just call me
when you grow up.
You know,
that’s never gonna happen.
So just don’t call me.
Say hello to Lumbergh
for me!
Hell, Lumbergh fucked her.
Lumbergh fucked her.
Lumbergh… fucked her.
That’s great.
I mean, she was seein’
the “O” face, for sure!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Sexy. Ooh.
Ooh! Ooh!
If you could go ahead
and just move a little bit
to the lef– That’s it.
Great.
[ Inhales ]
Peter! What’s happening?
Um, could you get me
those T.P.S. reports ASAP?
Mm-kay?
[ Gasps ]
[ Sighs, Panting ]
Joanna.
Yeah?
We need to talk.
Do you know
what this is about?
[ Sighs ]
My, uh… flair?
Yeah.
Or, uh,
your lack of flair.
Because, uh, I’m counting
and I only see 15 pieces.
Let me ask you
a question, Joanna.
What do you think
of a person…
who only does
the bare minimum?
Huh. What do I thi–
Uh, you know what, Stan?
[ Sighs ]
If you want me to wear
37 pieces of flair…
like your pretty boy
over there, Brian,
why don’t you just
make the minimum
37 pieces of flair?
Well, I thought
I remembered you saying that
you wanted to express yourself.
Yeah. You know what?
Yeah, I do.
I do wanna express myself.
Okay? And I don’t need
37 pieces of flair to do it.
All right?
There’s my flair.
Okay?
And this is me
expressing myself.
Okay?
There it is.
I hate this job.
I hate this goddamn job,
and I don’t need it!
[ Beeping ]
Oh, shit.
Shit! Shit!
Oh, shit.
Son of a bitch!
Shit!
This is a– Fuck!
I– I–
Son of a bitch!
Shit!
What happened?
You tell me, Michael!
It’s your software!
Yes! It’s your software!
Corporate Accounting
is sure as hell
gonna notice $305,3–
26.13, Michael!
Oh, shit!
They probably won’t know
it’s gone for another
three or four days.
Michael, you said the thing
was gonna take two years!
What happened?
You said the thing
was supposed to work!
– Technically, it did work.
– No, it didn’t!
It did not
work, Michael!
Okay?
Okay, okay!
Okay. Okay.
I must’ve put a decimal point
in the wrong place or something.
Shit, I always do that.
I always mess up
some mundane detail.
Oh! Well, this is not
a mundane detail, Michael!
Hey, quit getting
pissed at me.
This was all your idea,
asshole.
All right. Okay.
Let’s try not to get
pissed off at each other.
Let’s just try to
figure this thing out
together.
The first thing we gotta do is
close that account
before it gets any bigger.
[ Singing Unenthusiastically ]
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday ♪
♪ Mr. Lumbergh ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪
[ Lumbergh ]
Doesn’t that look terrific.
Mmm!
Here, Peg. You wanna get
everybody started there?
Mmm!
Oh, that is terrific.
Just terrific.
Thanks, everybody.
Thank you.
Really. I really,
really appreciate it.
It’s very special.
Now, Milton!
Don’t be greedy!
Let’s pass it along
and make sure everyone
gets a piece.
‘Kay, but last time
I didn’t receive a piece,
and I was told that–
– Just pass.
– Okay.
But this– this–
If– There– There–
I just– See, the cake–
There’s lots of cake,
but there’s–
The ratio
of people to cake is–
[ Milton Muttering ]
All I want
is a piece of cake–
I think there’s–
there’s a piece of–
[ Muttering ]
I could set the building
on fire.
I-Is there some way
to just give the money back?
What, do you mean just hand them
a check for the exact amount
they’re missing?
I think
they’d figure that out.
Well, we have to
do something.
Maybe we could
launder the money.
That’s a great idea.
– Okay, how do we do that?
– I don’t– I don’t know.
I don’t even know
what it means.
I was hoping you knew.
I think coke dealers do it.
All right, do we know
any coke dealers?
M-My cousin’s a cokehead.
Fuck.
We’re in deep shit.
Yes, we are
in very deep shit.
[ Grunts ]
Milton.
Yes?
What’s happening?
I wanted to see you–
Say, Milton,
you know what’d be great?
Wh– No.
Since you’re down here,
it would be really great
if you could just sort of…
take care of
the cockroach problem
we’ve been having in here.
No, that’s really not my job,
and I– I haven’t received
my paycheck–
So, for now why don’t you
get yourself a flashlight…
and a can of pesticide
and crawl back–
Bill? We need you
upstairs right away.
We got a big problem.
Big.
Some major glitch
in Accounting.
A lot of money missing.
Hmm.
We’ve got
an investigator here.
Excuse me?
[ Footsteps
Ascending Stairs ]
Excuse me!
[ Door Slams ]
Well… okay, but…
that’s the last straw.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Uh, “launder.”
“To clean–”
No. “Wash.”
Here it is:
“To conceal
the source of money…
as by channeling it
through an intermediary.”
“To conceal
a source of money–“
That doesn’t really
help us, Michael.
I can’t believe
what nerds we are,
looking up money laundering
in a dictionary.
Yeah, well…
you guys can both
eat my ass.
I can’t believe
Joanna slept with Lumbergh.
That’s what I can’t believe.
– You didn’t know that?
– Yeah. You didn’t know that?
A couple of years ago,
before he moved to Atlanta.
You mean Ron Lumbergh,
the Initrode guy?
The young guy?
Yeah. Who’d you think
I meant? Bill?
[ Snickers ]
– [ Snickering ]
– [ Laughing ]
Fuckin’– Their children
would have hooves.
[ Laughing Continues ]
Ron’s not related to Bill,
is he?
[ Knocking ]
Who’s that?
All right, nobody panic.
Probably just Lawrence.
[ Haltingly ]
Good evening. My name is Steve.
I come from a rough area.
I used to be addicted to crack,
but now I’m off
and trying to stay clean.
Okay.
That is why I am selling
magazine subscriptions.
No.
W-W-Wait a minute.
You used to be
addicted to crack?
Yeah, b–
Um, w–
Look, I’m very sorry.
I do not know anything
about any money laundering.
No, we’re not asking you
about money laundering.
We need you to hook us up with–
Michael, he doesn’t
know anybody.
No, wait–
wait a minute.
Look.
You just give us the name
of one drug dealer.
I could talk to him.
I have
good networking skill–
[ Normal Voice ] I lied.
All that stuff I said
about being a crackhead
just helps me sell magazines.
I’m actually an unemployed
software engineer.
– You’re a software engineer?
– Yep.
Things, uh, must be
very rough for you.
Actually, man,
I make more money selling
magazine subscriptions…
than I ever did
at Initrode.
At Initrode?
Wait a minute.
You’re not gonna tell anybody
about this stuff we told you.
I mean, we know a lot
of the same people. That’s–
[ Clears Throat ]
Actually, um,
that all depends.
Wh–
What am I gonna do
with 40 subscriptions to Vibe?
We never should have done this.
What were we thinking?
You know
what I can’t figure out?
How is it that all these
stupid, Neanderthal mafia guys
can be so good at crime…
and smart guys like us
can suck so badly at it?
We’re new to it,
though.
If we had
more experience–
No, you know what I think?
I think we’re screwed.
There’s enough evidence
all over that building
to link us to this.
Even if we could launder money,
I wouldn’t want to.
What we’ve done is bad enough.
We get caught laundering money,
we’re not going to
white-collar resort prison.
No, no, no,
we’re going to federal
pound-me-in-the-ass prison.
I-I-I don’t want to go
to any prison!
Why the hell
did I do this?
I’ve never done
anything wrong
in my whole life.
We weren’t thinking clearly
because you told us
we were losing our jobs.
And now we’re worried
about going in a prison.
Don’t worry about it.
I’ll think of something.
[ Scoffs ]
I’m going home.
Me too.
You are a very bad person,
Peter.
[ Door Opens ]
[ Door Closes ]
Lawrence, you awake?
Yeah.
You wanna come over?
No, thanks, man.
I don’t want you
fuckin’ up my life too.
Goddamn.
And in light of
the senselessness
of these heinous crimes…
that you have committed
against Initech,
I hereby sentence you,
Michael Bolton…
and Samir Naan–
Nanadajibad…
to a term of no less
than four years…
in a federal
pound-me-in-the-ass prison.
[ Sniffling, Sobbing ]
Peter Gibbons,
you’ve led a trite
and meaningless life.
And you’re
a very bad person.
[ Gavel Bangs, Reverberates ]
[ Sighs ]
Hey.
You’re not working
at Chotchkie’s anymore, huh?
No.
No, I got fired.
What happened?
I flipped off my boss,
some customers–
Actually, a line cook,
but he just happened to
be standing there, so–
I might be going away
for a while,
uh, to jail.
You were right
about that computer scam.
That was a bad idea.
I’m gonna take the blame for it,
I decided.
I’m on my way now
to return the money
and leave a confession…
under Lumbergh’s door.
Joanna,
I want to apologize.
I had no right to get pissed off
at you about Lumbergh.
Lumbergh is not my problem.
Wasn’t even
the right Lumbergh.
I don’t know why I can’t
just go to work and be happy…
like I’m supposed to,
like everybody else.
Peter, most people
don’t like their jobs.
But you go out there
and you find something
that makes you happy.
Yeah, well…
I may never be happy
at my job,
but I think that
if I could be with you,
that I could be happy
with my life.
I’ve been a real asshole.
But if you could give it
another shot, I promise–
Okay, shut up.
Whoa! Hey!
What’s going on here?
Get a room, you two!
[ Cackles ]
Nyah-nyah-nyah!
[ Laughing ]
I hate that guy.
[ Sighs ]
Then Mr. Lumbergh
told me to talk to Payroll,
and then Payroll told me
to talk to Mr. Lumbergh.
I still haven’t
received my paycheck,
and he took my stapler.
He never brought it back.
Then they moved by desk
to storage room “B”
and there was garbage on it–
Why don’t you
go back down
and sit at your desk.
-Mr. Lumbergh
should be here any minute.
-I want to talk to Mr. Lumbergh.
Just go sit
at your desk. Okay?
Okay, but I– I–
I’m gonna just–
I’m telling you right now,
my desk is located
in the basement.
I’m sure you know
where it is.
[ Milton Continues
Muttering ]
[ Door Closes ]
I’m just gonna have to
take my stapler back.
Because it’s my stapler,
and I told Mr.–
It’s my– It’s–
It’s my stapler.
It’s a Swingline.
I’ve been using it
for a long time.
[ Continues Muttering ]
It doesn’t bind up–
Lawrence.
You in there?
Whoa.
Hey, Peter, man.
Hey.
So, I might be
going away for a while.
Yeah, I know, man.
It’s a bummer, dude.
What can I say?
Yeah. Uh–
Well, time to go
face the music.
You take care of yourself
if I don’t see you.
All right?
You too, man.
Take ‘er easy, bud.
All right.
All right.
– Hey, Peter.
– Yeah?
Watch out
for your cornhole, bud.
Okay, Lawrence.
[ Siren Wailing
In Distance ]
[ Radio: Dispatcher,
Indistinct ]
[ Chattering, Murmuring ]
[ Fireman ]
Stay clear, now!
Stay clear!
Holy shit!
Excuse me.
[ Milton Muttering ]
And, uh– I mean, can I–
I was here first.
I have to–
Oh, gosh.
Wait a minute.
Let me take a look
at that.
You don’t want that, Peter, man.
That’s toasted, man.
I think I know someone
who might want this.
♪♪ [ Car Stereo: Rap ]
[ Horn Honks ]
Hey, man!
Wanna go to lunch?
Brought mine in a pail.
Plus, Joanna’s
supposed to come by
a little later.
So, how do you like
your new job?
Not too bad.
Not too bad.
How’s, uh,
Penetrode?
Intertrode.
Intertrode.
They’re all right.
It’s work.
Yeah. Yeah.
Probably get you
a job there
if you want.
No, thanks. I, uh–
I’m doing good here.
So, uh…
we’re gonna be okay,
right?
Yeah.
I think the fire
pretty much took care
of everything.
I wonder if
the money burned up.
It would be a shame.
– Yeah.
– So you’re sure you don’t
want us to get you a job?
That’s one thing
I’m definitely sure of.
Okay.
All right, chief.
You guys take care.
All right?
All right.
Stay in touch, man.
Okay.
Will do.
This isn’t so bad, huh?
Making bucks,
getting exercise,
working outside.
Fuckin’-A.
Fuckin’-A.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, señor.
May I speak to you,
please?
I asked for a mai tai,
and they brought me
a piña colada.
And I said no salt–
no salt for the margarita,
but it had salt on it.
Lo siento mucho, señor.
[ Muttering ]
Pinche gringo.
If this happens again,
I won’t be leaving a tip.
‘Cause I could–
I could shut
this whole resort down.
Sir?
I could take
my traveler’s checks
to a competing resort.
I could write a letter
to your board of tourism,
and I could have
this place condemned.
I could put–
I could put strychnine
in the guacamole.
There was salt on the glass.
Big grains of salt.
♪♪ [ Hip-hop ]
[ Man Vocalizing, Echoing ]
Give her a ride
on the old bone
roller coaster.
Aaaah!
[ Chuckles, Whistles ]
[ Lumbergh ] Mmm!
Yeah.
[ Man Rapping ]
♪ Yo, 6:00 every morning ♪
♪ You wakin’ up yawnin’
to the sound of
your alarm clock alarmin’ ♪
♪ About an hour from now
you should be
at your place of employment ♪
♪ Which is annoyin’
’cause it’s so borin’
Your coworkers been talkin’ ♪
Hey, don’t come back
in a dress, man!
[ Chuckles ]
You big fag!
♪ You wonder why your workload
is so enormous ♪
♪ ‘Cause your boss just laid off
three-quarters
of the whole office ♪
♪ People get depressed
They get ulcers ♪
♪ From the stress
that the corporate
environment causes ♪
♪ Regardless of how you
ultimately wanna solve this ♪
♪ Seems to me like you got
one of four choices ♪
♪ You could take a new job offer
for more tips ♪
♪ Stick it out a little longer
or forfeit ♪
♪ But my advice to anybody
who wants to quit ♪
I’m working at Hooters now,
and it’s very cool.
♪ Take this job
and shove it ♪
♪ I ain’t workin’ here
no more ♪
♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
♪ Take this job
and shove it ♪
♪ I ain’t workin’ here
no more ♪
♪ Take this job
and shove it ♪
♪ I ain’t workin’ here
no more ♪
♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
♪ Take this job
Take this job ♪
♪ Take this job
and shove it ♪
♪ Yo ♪
♪ If your boss is an S.O.B. ♪
♪ Tell him to S-H-O-V-E
the J-O-B ♪
♪ Put your middle finger
up slowly ♪
♪ Put it close
and up to his face so he
can examine it closely ♪
♪ Say “I ain’t workin’ here
no more ♪
♪ Who do you think you are?” ♪
♪ Rip the apron off
Throw it on the floor ♪
♪ Run to the door
To the pay phone
Make a toll-free call ♪
♪ Tell your spouse what happened
and where you are ♪
♪ So they can come to get you
in the car later on ♪
♪ And help you search for
a new 9:00-to-5:00 job ♪
♪ If the unemployment line
ain’t that long ♪
♪ You can take your time
fillin’ out W-9 forms ♪
♪ Eventually you’ll get on
if you try hard enough ♪
♪ And you’ll get money
if you keep punchin’
your time card enough ♪
♪ Maybe you hate it
Maybe you love it ♪
♪ But if you hate it
all you gotta do is get mad
and tell your boss to ♪
♪ Take this job
and shove it ♪
♪ I ain’t workin’ here
no more ♪
♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
♪ Take this job
and shove it ♪
♪ I ain’t workin’ here
no more ♪
♪ Take this job
and shove it ♪
♪ I ain’t workin’ here
no more ♪
♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
♪ Take this job
Take this job ♪
♪ Take this job
and shove it ♪
♪ Yo ♪
♪ Some occupations
are like slave gigs ♪
♪ The boss’s favorite’ll
get placed in
somethin’ spacious ♪
♪ While the most hated
get placed in some
small cubicle spaces ♪
♪ Or get thrown
down in the basement ♪
♪ Get your stapler
confiscated ♪
♪ You constantly waitin’
for a paycheck ♪
♪ Twelve months pass by
and you still
ain’t get paid yet ♪
♪ Here’s an optimistic motto ♪
♪ If you ever late for today
you can say you early
for tomorrow ♪
♪ Most 9:00-to-5:00s
are hard ♪
♪ ‘Cause the description
of the job ain’t
no picnic in the park ♪
♪ People get hired
Drink coffee to stay wired ♪
♪ So they don’t get tired
sleep late and get fired ♪
♪ You came in late
You already ate ♪
♪ Now you wanna
take a lunch break ♪
♪ Hey, yo, bust it
Ain’t no need to discuss it ♪
♪ Just take this job
and shove it
right between your buttocks ♪
♪ Take this job
and shove it ♪
♪ I ain’t workin’ here
no more ♪
♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
♪ Take this job
and shove it ♪
♪ I ain’t workin’ here
no more ♪
♪ Take this job
and shove it ♪
♪ I ain’t workin’ here
no more ♪
♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
♪ Take this job
Take this job ♪
♪ Take this job
and shove it ♪
[ Lumbergh ] Mmm. Yeah.
♪ Take this job
and shove it ♪
♪ I ain’t workin’ here
no more ♪
♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
♪ I, I, I, I, I-I-I-I ♪
♪ I ain’t workin’ here
no more ♪
♪ Take this job
and shove it ♪
♪ I ain’t workin’ here
no more ♪
♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
♪ I-I, I-I-I ♪
♪ I ain’t workin’ here
no more ♪
[ Lumbergh ] Mmm. Yeah.
♪ Ahh-ahh, ah-ah-ahh ♪
♪ Canibus and the Biz ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh, ah-ah-ahh ♪
♪ It’s comin’ from
Canibus and the Biz ♪
♪ What, what
What ♪
♪ It’s comin’ from
Canibus and the Biz ♪
♪ Ahhh, ahhh ♪
♪ From ♪
♪ From Canibus and the ♪
♪ Bi-i-i-i-i-i-i-iz ♪♪