How to Master the Art of Communication | Robin Sharma, Les Brown, Tony Robbins, Jordan Peterson
One of the things i observe is simply this a lot of people are very careless with their language and so you know there's a huge shift you can either be a victim or you can be a leader but you can't be both and if you look at someone who is a victim a lot of their victimhood comes down to the words they use.
I mean the words you use either lift up your energy the words you use either make you more creative the words you use either allow you to do world-class things or the words you use deny your talents the words you use could reduce your energy the words you use could hurt your leadership so you have a choice every day at work and at home and.
Out on the streets with strangers you can develop a victim vocabulary or the language of leadership and in this mastery session i want to walk you through some of my insights on those well words are powerful i mean words have destroyed nations i mean think about the great dictators their words of hatred.
Their words of toxicity their words of breakdown caused the people around them to do sometimes incredibly terrifying acts and then you look at people like nelson mandela or martin luther king jr or a mother teresa you look at the great business builders you look at.
Humanitarians you look at a lot of the great artists and they were so careful with their words and their words lifted people up and that's really what great leaders do they use the language of leadership you look at a victim and they say things like this is a problem i've got a problem.
Right here or i'm really scared about this or i hate that client or i hate this work or i'm sick of this day or i'm exhausted or i don't like that or she never likes me it's literally the language of toxicity and the words you use really are like a context or a framework or a stained glass window on the way you see.
The world i mean here's a game changing insight you see the world not as it is you see the world as you are you see the world through a lens and your language forms that lens of belief i mean your lens of belief and your personal filter on reality is not really a true filter on reality it's just the.
Filter on reality that has formed as a result of all the words you've picked up from the moment you were born so when you were a little baby your mom and your dad use the language that they were taught when they were kids to use and if they use the language of victimitis and if they use the language.
Of victimhood like well you know you can't do this i hate this i'm tired of this money doesn't grow on trees be ordinary if you're successful you'll be hated all that messaging that we pick up from our parents and the media and the world around us and our peers the little kids that we used to play with in the playground or the friends that we had as.
Teenagers that will either lift us up or tear us down so i guess what i'm trying to say and hopefully i'm making the point clearly for you but we see the world through this personal filter and a lot of this personal filter that drives our performance and our behavior is really.
Constructed from the words that we've picked up and then the words we are taught to use and so the right angle turn for you to create exponential energy mindset productivity creativity results in the world results in your life comes down to in part a really intelligent use of your words and like i said at the beginning.
Of this mastery session most people are really unconscious about their words and that's why most people are not getting rare air results so what are some of the words i encourage you to shift from don't talk about what you hate to do talk about what you love to do don't.
Talk about problems talk about opportunities don't talk about what makes you tired talk about what makes you inspired don't talk about your past talk about your future don't talk about what broke your heart your heart talk about what opened your heart don't talk about what dispirits you talk about what you.
Are fueled by don't talk about the things within your life that are not working talk about the things in your life that are working don't talk about your pain talk about your pleasure and you know if i if i were sitting with you right now coaching you i mean i am coaching you and what i would encourage.
You to do as soon as i finish this mastery session is pull out your journal and if you're not journaling please start journaling because journaling is a ritual you want to install into your days joan didion said this i don't know what i think until i write it down.
Think about that i don't know what i think until i write it down and so in your journal after this mastery session pull out a fresh page and draw a line down the center of the page and write about the language of victimhood and the language of leadership leadership and.
Start to write down all the words you use and the sentences you employ that really are speaking that are really victim-speak and then in the other column i want to start writing down the language of leadership the language that as of today you will be committed to using so that you start to use the language of someone.
Who's world class and i've given you some examples but doing that exercise will make it really clear and as you know clarity breeds mastery bottom line is this you are built to be a leader you are not constructed to be a victim and once you get your words right you are going to start noticing daily shifts in your.
Energy your focus your momentum your confidence and your output and when you start getting those words right you start lifting your professional life your personal life to a whole new level of wow and guess what that is what you are meant to do well there's a couple of things this helps to read.
A lot it really helps to write so if you want to make yourself articulate which is a very good idea then not only should you read but you should write down what you think and if you can do that a little bit.
Every day 15 minutes maybe you could steal 15 minutes and do it every day but if you do that for 10 years you really straighten out your thinking if you're going to speak effectively you have to know way more than you're.
Talking about you know so if you this is often difficult for beginning lectures at university because they'll do a lecture on a topic but they only know as much as they're saying in the lecture and they get kind of stuck to their notes because of it but you want to know 10 times as much as you are saying in the lecture and then you can.
Specify a stepping path through it and elaborate with the other things that you know but to do that you have to do a lot of reading but you also have to do a lot of reading because that's where the synthesize that's where the synthesizing comes so that's on the input side and then on the output side well there's some tricks.
Techniques let's say is like if you're speaking in front of a group you are not delivering a talk to a group that's not what you're doing the talk isn't a package thing that you present to a group there isn't a group there's a bunch of individuals and you talk to them so when i talk to a group i always talk to people one at a.
Time and that makes it easier too because you know how to talk to a person it's like can you talk to a thousand people well probably not because it's too intimidating but there isn't a thousand people there there's a thousand individuals and so you just look at an individual and you say.
Something and you can tell if they're engaged they look confused or they look interested or they look angry or they look bored or maybe they're asleep in which case you look at someone else and they give you feedback about how you're doing and so one thing is to to have something to say.
Yeah the next thing is pay attention to who you're talking to because unless you're very badly socialized and that seems unlikely in your case because you know you present yourself at least moderately well you know well i mean i don't know you very well.
But in first but on first sight you know you're doing fine so the probability that if you pay attention to the individuals that you're talking to that your natural wealth of of social skill will manifest itself is extremely high and so you don't deliver a talk to an audience that's a really bad way of.
Thinking about you're actually engaged in a conversation with an audience even if they're not talking they're nodding and shifting position and you know looking like this or and you can you can pull all that in and and and use it to govern the level at which you're addressing the.
Entire audience so the last thing i would say is well having the aim to be a good communicator is a good start and you think well i can buttress that to some degree but there isn't anything that you can possibly this is the whole point of a liberal education there isn't anything.
That you can possibly do that makes you more competent in everything you do than to learn how to communicate i don't care if you're going to be a carpenter i mean being a carpenter by the way is very difficult especially if you're a good carpenter but if you're good at communicating as a carpenter you're like 10 times better as.
A carpet so the and this is something that the liberal arts colleges i think i don't know if they've forgotten if they don't do a very good job of marketing it's like what's the use of a bachelor's degree bachelor of arts it's like well.
You can think you can write you can speak you've read something it's like the economic value of that is incalculable the people that i've watched in my life who've been spectacularly successful are.
They have skills clearly that that's a minimum precondition but they're also very very good at articulating and so whenever they negotiate they're successful well that's kind of like the definition of success in life right you negotiate and you're doesn't mean you win because if you're a good negotiator if you're.
Really good negotiator everybody walks away from the negotiation thrilled and so then people line up to do things with you so and that's all that's all dependent on your ability to communicate so practice i can say to you continue to do what you're doing and working on yourself and.
Working in your mindset and your presentation power because once you open your mouth as he said the world will now know who you are your ability and write this down to tell your story is key it's major and how you present yourself one-on-one.
Why is that important mr brown because when you meet someone and you want to do business with them people are asking three questions one-on-one small groups of large groups they're asking who are you what do you have and why should i care that's what they're asking.
Because in the business where you are trust is important am i correct confidence is important am i correct it's a lot of skepticism around the industry because of things that have happened a major investment that people have to make am i correct so now they're looking at you who are you.
And so your ability to tell your story who are you what do you have your ability to communicate that in a way that will connect with people in a way that will expand their minds in a way that will touch their heart in a way that will cause them to say this is the person that i want to put my trust in this is a.
Person that i believe and this major decision that our family is about to make now that we should go with connecting increases your influence in every situation for the foundation of the teaching today i want to make sure that we really have a grasp of why connecting with people is.
So vital so if you'll go to the very first sentence in your notes the number one criteria for advancement and promotion for professionals is an ability to communicate effectively that i do believe i think the ability to connect and communicates the number one criteria for.
Success with your family with your marriage with your children with your friends in the workplace the marketplace in the community if you have the ability to connect with people if you can communicate and connect not just communicate it takes you and literally gives you and i a decided edge over others in the.
Advancement of what we're trying to accomplish many nervous speakers distance themselves physically if you've ever seen a nervous speaker present he or she will say something like this welcome i am really excited to be here with you they pull as far away from you as possible because you threaten us.
Speakers you make us nervous so we want to get away from you we do the same thing linguistically we use language that distances ourselves it's not unusual to hear a nervous speaker say something like one must consider the ramifications or today we're going to cover step one step two step three.
That's very distancing language to be more conversational use conversational language instead of one must consider say this is important to you we all need to be concerned with do you hear that inclusive conversational language has to do with the pronouns instead of step one step two step three first what we need to do is this the.
Second thing you should consider is here use conversational language anything you want to achieve anything you want to learn master experience there's somebody out there who has a life experience the understanding the network the capital the thing you need to be able to achieve.
It but they're not going to give you what they want or they're not going to do what you want rather a need until you first give them what they want and need and you're not even going to find out what they want need until you first get in a relationship of rapport if you don't do that you're never gonna learn.
Anything rapport is power what is a relationship of rapport rapport means total responsiveness between people when someone is totally responding to you and you're totally responding to them you're in rapport there's that connection it's that spark that happens in certain communications or.
Relationships now everybody wants to create rapport have it but most people only get rapport with people who are like whom themselves and they lose with everybody else which means you got a very limited world so we want to take it to a different level so let's say for example if i said.
To you right now guys i want you to go out to a local restaurant or bar and i want you to meet somebody and i want you to develop rapport with them a connection with them how many feel like you do that no problem say i and if you're not raising your hand you're probably selling yourself short of course you could how would you do it.
Though you'd walk in this restaurant a bar you meet somebody and you engage in conversation by asking a few what questions now is it possible to ask a few questions and have a conversation go and just die is that possible yes or no so questions don't create rapport questions are a tool we use to dig for something what are you digging for when.
You ask these questions you're trying to find something in what that's right so write your notes rapport is created by a feeling of commonality rapport is created by a feeling of commonality rapport is created by a feeling of commonality when we people we feel like we have something in common with someone.
There's a spark now here's the problem if rapport is created by a feeling of commonality most people try to get rapport by using words but you've already learned something what percentage of our communication skills are words what percentage seven percent which means you're leaving out 93 of your.
Skills which is why most people don't get rapport with a large number of people you know what do you do walk in a restaurant a bar and go hi what's your name where are you from why are you here the person says my name is habib i'm from iraq i'm a terrorist i'm here to kill people and you go.
Amazing me too no see words don't always work do they but there is something that always works to get rapport and it's something called matching and mirroring matching and mirroring now matching and mirroring came about 35 years ago.
When it's we've all done matching and bearing our whole lives but the person who pointed out was milton erickson dr erickson was a genius what he did was he was a medical doctor but he also was a psychologist and a hypnotherapist probably the best that ever lived and people would come to see him who try.
To change everything anywhere else in their life nothing at work they see him for one session he'd handle it and the reason is because he understood something he understood that you have both a conscious mind and a subconscious mind and he knew the subconscious is more powerful it's the main part that makes.
Your heart beat a hundred thousand times a day without having to think about so he knew if he could influence your subconscious mind he could change anything and that's what he did but here's how he did it he had polio so he was in a wheelchair so he spent an enormous amount of time studying people and he began to notice something about.
Human beings that when human beings got together if they got in rapport a relationship of responsiveness they became like each other in a variety of ways what he called they mirrored each other now i've taught this for 25 years i'm sure you've heard of it and i've written in my books and it's been taught in a variety of other areas now but it's.
One thing to know it intellectually and understand it's another thing to know it when you're doing it that's what i want to get you to do tonight so you have a real experience of it that you won't forget but here's the basis of it people like people who are like whom themselves and people don't like people who are not like themselves to be more.
Specific write this down people like people who are like themselves or who are like how they would like to be people like people who are like themselves or are how they would like to be people like people are like themselves or how they would like to be.
So question i'd like you to think of someone you really really like a lot and then if you would raise your hand this person is either like you or they're like how you want to be if that's true raise your hand say i of course that's why you like them now think of someone you don't like i'm sure you like everyone but if you.
Once were an unspiritual person and felt these feelings some of you don't like raise your hand if they're not like you or they're not like how you want to be if that's true raise your hand say i and that's the opposite people don't like people who are not like them or are not like how they want to be that's the bottom line of it so this concept.
Erickson noticed he used it in the following way watch me if you came to see dr erickson instead of talking to you intellectually and trying to get through to you he'd go right to the jugular by getting your nervous system connected to him getting rapport so if you came to him and you said dr erickson um.
I don't know this is a waste of time i've i've tried everything and i don't know i think i should just go he would do this he'd go i'm sure it looks that way on the surface but you haven't tried this so you haven't tried everything and i think you should stay.
And the person would go huh something about this guy i like you know he's not over the top you know what i mean he's like really real there's just something about him that feels down home and real to me right if you came to see him he said dr erickson i've tried everything it's a waste of my time i'm out of here he'd.
Say you sit out you haven't tried everything you've not done this before you're staying right here guy goes hey i like this guy he's got some spunk kick ass maybe he could do something see he became like the people he was communicating with and what it was is whatever they put out he sent the same message back like bio feedback and then.
Train them to him so that when he then told their unconscious what to do their brain just did it that was his power